What do you do when you hate everything about yourself and want to change ALL of it?
I hate every single last detail about myself. I can't think of anything I actually like.
To start, I'm tall, have manly, broad, square shoulders and narrow hips (inverted triangle shape), a short, fat neck and a round face shape with a man's jawline, small, close-set eyes, a weirdly shaped nose, naturally yellowish teeth that are too sensitive for whitening (plus I've never found anything that actually seems to work), a swayback, and gross looking frizzy, curly hair that somehow looks even worse straightened and doesn't stay that way for long anyway. I'm hideous. I've always been treated like it, too. I've always been ignored for other girls I'm with, or treated like I was annoying just for being there. I absolutely hate what I see in the mirror and it makes me lose confidence, because I know that for women, looks largely determine their value to society (regardless of if it isn't right, I feel it's true, and it's definitely true that people are treated differently based on their looks), and hence the amount of respect they'll get. I am treated like a child or an idiot no matter how knowledgeable or responsible I am, or like I'm just a nuisance.
My personality is nothing to write home about, either. I have battled with negative thinking my entire life, and no matter what I do, I can't beat it. I feel like people want me to be oblivious to the truth and unrealistically optimistic. That only leads to severe letdowns, especially if you are lied to your entire life and told you're much greater than you really are. That hurts much more than being told the truth, or even finding out you're actually better than you were led to believe. I don't really joke around much and don't have a great sense of humor. The sense of humor I do have is stupid and very few people share the same kind. I can't even explain it, honestly. I have zero charisma, am a very distant and closed off person for my own safety (not interested in continually getting hurt my entire life), and am generally unlikeable. All throughout my school years, I was disliked by both my classmates and teachers. I've never had more than maybe 3 friends at a time. Though I'm fortunately asexual and aromantic, I've had very, very little romantic interest other than a couple of guys that planned to settle for me (I was absolutely not their first choice and they didn't actually want me). Despite not seeking out romantic interest, I see this as an indication of the quality of both my looks and personality, and it doesn't seem good.
I just don't feel like I'm a good person in any way. I feel like all of this is making me cynical and resentful, and I pretty much avoid people now. I feel like I'm a bother to others and have always been seen as annoying from the time I was a kid, so I don't want to even bother with trying to get to know anyone anymore, since I feel they'll eventually dislike me anyway.
Anyway, if I were rich, I'd get all of the plastic surgeries available done and change every single one of my features until I was unrecognizable, but I'm not, so I'll have to just live with what I have. The personality part is so much harder, as I feel it's extremely hard if not impossible to change who you are.
To start, I'm tall, have manly, broad, square shoulders and narrow hips (inverted triangle shape), a short, fat neck and a round face shape with a man's jawline, small, close-set eyes, a weirdly shaped nose, naturally yellowish teeth that are too sensitive for whitening (plus I've never found anything that actually seems to work), a swayback, and gross looking frizzy, curly hair that somehow looks even worse straightened and doesn't stay that way for long anyway. I'm hideous. I've always been treated like it, too. I've always been ignored for other girls I'm with, or treated like I was annoying just for being there. I absolutely hate what I see in the mirror and it makes me lose confidence, because I know that for women, looks largely determine their value to society (regardless of if it isn't right, I feel it's true, and it's definitely true that people are treated differently based on their looks), and hence the amount of respect they'll get. I am treated like a child or an idiot no matter how knowledgeable or responsible I am, or like I'm just a nuisance.
My personality is nothing to write home about, either. I have battled with negative thinking my entire life, and no matter what I do, I can't beat it. I feel like people want me to be oblivious to the truth and unrealistically optimistic. That only leads to severe letdowns, especially if you are lied to your entire life and told you're much greater than you really are. That hurts much more than being told the truth, or even finding out you're actually better than you were led to believe. I don't really joke around much and don't have a great sense of humor. The sense of humor I do have is stupid and very few people share the same kind. I can't even explain it, honestly. I have zero charisma, am a very distant and closed off person for my own safety (not interested in continually getting hurt my entire life), and am generally unlikeable. All throughout my school years, I was disliked by both my classmates and teachers. I've never had more than maybe 3 friends at a time. Though I'm fortunately asexual and aromantic, I've had very, very little romantic interest other than a couple of guys that planned to settle for me (I was absolutely not their first choice and they didn't actually want me). Despite not seeking out romantic interest, I see this as an indication of the quality of both my looks and personality, and it doesn't seem good.
I just don't feel like I'm a good person in any way. I feel like all of this is making me cynical and resentful, and I pretty much avoid people now. I feel like I'm a bother to others and have always been seen as annoying from the time I was a kid, so I don't want to even bother with trying to get to know anyone anymore, since I feel they'll eventually dislike me anyway.
Anyway, if I were rich, I'd get all of the plastic surgeries available done and change every single one of my features until I was unrecognizable, but I'm not, so I'll have to just live with what I have. The personality part is so much harder, as I feel it's extremely hard if not impossible to change who you are.
26-30, F
