Talking to myself

Im not as happy as i tell myself i am. Im not heard or listened to or thought of and if i ever finally summon the courage to express that in any small or specific way its turned around on me and the conversation is immediately switched to what ive done wrong. This is not what i want for myself. Will i ever be happy? Am i asking too much? Am i a narcissist? Am i autistic and doomed trying to fit in with normal people without a diagnosis or understanding? Am i gaslighting myself? I want to put a bullet in my head