Disorganized Attachment.

Knowing is half the battle. So now you know. And now you can move forward differently with this knowledge.

The other half is found in a combination of stoicism and Adlerian psychology, and is also available for you to start practicing anytime you choose to do so. Because the choice is yours, not your wife’s and not your parents’.

Simply put:

You cannot control external events, but you can control how you respond to them.

You cannot control how others respond to you or think of you, so stop trying to. Only control how you live your life, and how you respond to things. You can only be hurt by things if you allow yourself to be. Tell yourself that you weren’t hurt by something, and you won’t be.

You cannot change the past, so stop trying to relive or change it. Accept that the past did happen, and that it’s over now. Accept yourself for who you are. You are good enough. Live for the here and now going forward. The greatest life lie of all, is not living in the present.

Things are not asking to be judged by you. Let them go.

All problems are inherently interpersonal relationship problems. The key is to focus on the aspects of your life that you are in control of, and not intrude on others’ life tasks. Let them live their life, that’s their responsibility and not yours.

Only seek out horizontal relationships with others, where you believe that others have good intentions ultimately, and are at an equal level with you. Never seek out vertical relationships, where you try to place yourself as above or below the other person. That will only lead to power struggles due to feelings of inferiority, and will ultimately destroy the relationship. This is very important. If you feel you have vertical relationships now, start converting them into horizontal relationships immediately. Once you begin with one, others will follow.

Happiness is found in virtue and contribution to others. The rest is a path to a meaningless life full of regret and doubt. In that sense, life can be viewed as simple if you let it.

Life is a series of moments, it is not a pre-determined line. Live each moment in the present, trying to be virtuous and contributing to others as much as you can. Your future is not pre-determined and is in your control. Keep your anger under control, and try to respond calmly always. Welcome everything that happens, even if it is negative, and know that you have the power to deal with it accordingly. That’s your task. Not accepting this task is a life lie. Trying to blame others for your actions is also a life lie.

Freedom lies in forgiveness. Others will mess up, and you will mess up. Forgive others and forgive yourself. Learn from your mistakes and try not to repeat them. Then move on and keep living, knowing that you are in control. Do not try to harm others, but at the same time, if you feel that you are doing something virtuous, do not be afraid of being disliked. People will dislike you. People will talk about you, even negatively. Let them. How others perceive you is their task to worry about and not yours. Stay in your lane.

Definitely a marriage is worth trying to work out. You went into it at some point intending to make it last, so there has to be something there worth fighting for.

Have you shared this article with your wife?