I just want to share my feelings….

I just wanted to share this about me even though it’s hard for me to do this. It’s taken some time in therapy to realize what’s it’s meant and how it relates to my childhood.

When I am insulted about my appearance offline or online and the reason it bothers me so much.

As a child I was a victim of sexual abuse (I will not go into detail). He used to tell me what a pretty little girl I was. I can still hear him saying it to me.

As I got older I started to hide my femininity because I did not want to be considered as pretty. I guess you could say I was a Tomboy. I would wear baggy shirts, track pants. I really didn’t want to draw any attention to myself.

Right after I finished high school I started to dress more feminine. I felt more comfortable with it. I never wore any make up. After my second child things just changed and I felt better about myself.

I started to wear dresses. I taught myself how to apply make up. I started to feel somewhat good about my appearance. Then social media really exploded.

I joined Experience Project, I never shared my picture publicly there and when I had in private message I was met with some pretty awful comments at times. EP closed and I joined Similar Worlds and I still wouldn’t share my picture on posts because I was far too self-conscious to do that.

I started to feel like it would be okay last year to show my face, so I did. I have got some pretty awful comments and some posts about me which honestly have made me cry and want to leave. I know I need to grow a thicker skin, I am trying too.

I just can’t seem to feel comfortable in my skin and because of what that man said to me. It doesn’t help having my husband affirm my feelings or completely ignore me.

When people make positive comments about me you really don’t understand what that means to me.

I am still trying to work through everything and at times I am not sure I will ever get to a point where I have peace.

Thank you for reading this 💖

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Scribbles · 36-40, F

🤗 You do whatever helps you, fuck anyone who is a jerk. Or says you need a thicker skin. Because the more trauma around a thing, the harder it is to grow a thicker skin about certain issues, I think.

I am a survivor of sexual abuse, and while I was never told I was pretty, there are some things I was told often that stick to me too and would feel crazy overwhelming sometimes .

One thing still bothers me a lot. Hearing the words "good girl" breaks my brain every single time to this day.

My abuser was OCD and judged every tiny little flaw he could find or perceive, or if I didn't unquestioningly do everything he wanted. He'd build up this ideal of this fucktoy he wanted and unreasonable expect me to be that on top of the sexual abuse. He also weirdly want me to be some kind of stereotyped valley girl that he could make fun of (I was no valley girl) and he'd be so mad that I didn't play along and let him play pretend. He'd think up or imagine faults too. And he'd try to punish me or hurt me if I wasn't perfectly someone else.

The only nice thing I'd hear was "good girl" after being forced into things and being more quiet then usual.

I too used to dress differently (pants, modest shirts or baggy sweatshirts), and then allowed myself to wear some makeup (I had to teach myself too) and dress and act more femininely again. I adore dresses now and wear them around home all the time in particular. And voluminous loose hair buns. Everyday after work I put my hair up in a messy bun. I like feeling safe to be female now. And feel a little pretty. Wearing a dress, and taking care of myself helps express that.

I've often been judged as having too little confidence or too much confidence in myself because I'm rather plain tbh
But all I've ever cared about it is the freedom to be myself. To wear nice clothes, to have time to exercise, to take care of myself, have a few flattering hairstyles that work for me. Have my own hobbies. Care about others. Express silly, average or serious opinions at times. Have quirks and personality warts. I shouldn't have to be a drooled over model to be able to "be myself" and be tolerated for being me. I'm not such a terrible person, am I?

Being myself? I have that all now. And I'm really glad and lucky that I have a partner who loves me for me. Flaws and all.

I'm sorry your husband isn't supportive and understanding and doesn't remind you how beautiful you are. I'm glad you are choosing to forge your own way and be yourself.

If it helps, I don't mind admitting that I like the person you are, your strength, bravery and your personality. You are beautiful inside and out. Keep being you, ok? 🤗

TexChik · F

@Scribbles 🥺

Scribbles · 36-40, F

@TexChik I'm all 🥺 now too.

iamonfire696 · 41-45, F

@Scribbles Oh lovely, I am so very sorry you have been through this too. The worst thing I have found is when I share there are so many people who have been there too and I just really hate that it’s so common.

Now that I am accepting of being more feminine when I get cut down it just hurts like no other.

I know I haven’t been perfect and I have said things I shouldn’t have. I try to apologize when given the chance because I am human but I do try to put out positivity first. I think it’s better to lead that way.

I also hate the fact that when a woman is confident she is tore down because it’s assumed she is being arrogant. There’s nothing wrong with confidence. Why do people have to be so jealous? I have seen you and you are beautiful.

Thank you so much for your words. Now I am 🥹 too.

TexChik · F

@Scribbles I know. I was a beaten and tortured little girl for years, as I developed, he began to notice and one night when I was 11, he raped me only for as long as it took me to grab his ash tray and bash him with it. We lived out in the middle of nowhere on a farm...and my biologic father was addicted to the meth he made

iamonfire696 · 41-45, F

@TexChik I am so sorry. You are a fighter.

Scribbles · 36-40, F

@TexChik @iamonfire696 🤗 I'm so sorry you both have had to face that.

I am glad to have met the both of you on this site. I consider both of you to be brave women. And I've found in my.life that the more brave people I know, the more it inspires me to be strong for others as well as for myself. So thank you :)

iamonfire696 · 41-45, F

@Scribbles I am glad to have met you both too. @TexChik and you are so very strong.

Thank you both for the encouraging words. They really mean so much to me 💖.