I just want to share my feelings….

I just wanted to share this about me even though it’s hard for me to do this. It’s taken some time in therapy to realize what’s it’s meant and how it relates to my childhood.

When I am insulted about my appearance offline or online and the reason it bothers me so much.

As a child I was a victim of sexual abuse (I will not go into detail). He used to tell me what a pretty little girl I was. I can still hear him saying it to me.

As I got older I started to hide my femininity because I did not want to be considered as pretty. I guess you could say I was a Tomboy. I would wear baggy shirts, track pants. I really didn’t want to draw any attention to myself.

Right after I finished high school I started to dress more feminine. I felt more comfortable with it. I never wore any make up. After my second child things just changed and I felt better about myself.

I started to wear dresses. I taught myself how to apply make up. I started to feel somewhat good about my appearance. Then social media really exploded.

I joined Experience Project, I never shared my picture publicly there and when I had in private message I was met with some pretty awful comments at times. EP closed and I joined Similar Worlds and I still wouldn’t share my picture on posts because I was far too self-conscious to do that.

I started to feel like it would be okay last year to show my face, so I did. I have got some pretty awful comments and some posts about me which honestly have made me cry and want to leave. I know I need to grow a thicker skin, I am trying too.

I just can’t seem to feel comfortable in my skin and because of what that man said to me. It doesn’t help having my husband affirm my feelings or completely ignore me.

When people make positive comments about me you really don’t understand what that means to me.

I am still trying to work through everything and at times I am not sure I will ever get to a point where I have peace.

Thank you for reading this 💖

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SW-User

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. You are so courageous.
I am generally opposed to capital punishment, but if I could kill that man who abused you as a child, I would.
Reading through your story, it seems as if your self-esteem and confidence were growing greatly for a while. It was heartwarming to read this:

I started to dress more feminine. I felt more comfortable with it.. I felt better about myself. I started to wear dresses. I taught myself how to apply make up.

-- and then social media hit :(
I have seen a lot of articles about how bad social media is for many people's self-esteem -- especially women. Is it worth it?
I would guess an anonymous site like this or the former EP would be especially risky this way. People can say whatever they want with no consequences beyond angry replies or getting blocked. If someone is simmering with their own hurt and anger they can take it out on other people here, and many do.

If you use other social media like Facebook where you can limit your posts to people you actually know, I wonder if your experiences there are more positive?

Anyway, you are very beautiful -- in different clothing and with or without makeup. I would fully understand if you stop sharing pictures but when you have shared them on here they brighten my day. You didn't even mention your variety of glasses which add to your creative beauty!

You are beautiful inside and out, and this post is another example of your beautiful bravery.

iamonfire696 · 41-45, F

@SW-User Thank you for saying all of this.

It’s really messed up, but that man that abused me lives across the street from me. I can see him out my front window if he is in his yard.

Social media is toxic and I won’t let my kids have. My oldest is almost 15 and doesn’t have a cell phone or any social media. I do not want them feeling this way.

I don’t expect everyone to find me beautiful because that’s not attainable but I don’t understand why people choose to be so negative about it. Just don’t say anything.

Thank you so much for all of your lovely words. They mean a lot.

SW-User

@iamonfire696 I can't imagine living next door to the abuser!!
I hesitate to even ask how that feels...

iamonfire696 · 41-45, F

@SW-User across the street. When he’s out in his yard I make sure to stare at him until he goes back in. I have noticed he doesn’t spend so much time out where I can see him.

SW-User

@iamonfire696 so it seems like you at least make him feel guilty or ashamed. He deserves much worse but that is something.