Sometimes I feel that

If I get rid of depression and anxiety, there would be nothing left of me. They have become a part of me , my whole personality is based around them. I can't imagine a time where I didn't feel shitty and it overwhelms me that what I would be without them. I have always had very complex relationship with every person I have been close with, its impossible even painful for me, to imagine where I love with no ego and pain involved.
There is a sense of hate I have towards everyone , hatred that they don't have to go through what I am going through and this hatred gives me a sense of superiority. I live due to this superiority. It is a shield to all my vulnerabilities and at the same time cause of my vulnerabilities.
I don't want to leave this shield and at the same time I don't want to need a shield because this shield symbolises my weakness.
As I am writing this post , the answer is becoming clearer to me. But its a tough path .