I have a demon living inside of me.
I have written bits and pieces about this over the years here. It's something that had a huge influence in my life in the past.
As I sit here drinking my morning pot of coffee and huffing my vape while staring out the window, I decided that maybe I should write this out to help me understand better.
Growing up in the seventies all of us boys had idols that we would try to pattern our lives after.
That pattern would be the tough guy.
John Wayne was a tough guy. Nobody messed with a tough guy. Clint Eastwood was a tough guy. If you messed with him you paid dearly for your mistake.
Crap this is going to be long. LOL
Nobody wants to be weak and picked on.
I heard this thing before. We all have a white wolf and a black wolf that live inside of us and influence our lives. The white wolf being all of the good that encompasses us. The black wolf being all of the evil.
The wolf that grows the largest is the one that we feed the most.
I got to speed this up. So I'm probably going to miss some valuable details.
This is the way I see this, I may be wrong on part of it.
We are all born pre-programmed with a set reaction to conflict. Fight, flight or freeze.
Apparently I was born wired for fight. Not that I can fight despite years of martial arts training. But I am wired for aggression. Put in certain situations I was capable of ripping open a car door that had been crushed in a car accident. It was so mangled everyone thought they used the jaws of life to pry it open. So there is that. Hopefully that'll make sense a little later
So fast forward, in my mid to late 30s my mental health issues hit their Apex. I went from strong and confident to a nervous wreck. I finally talked to my doctor and he literally gave me what is called a starter pack for antidepressants. This was a game changer.
In 45 minutes I went from sniveling Sissy to a competent and functional Goliath. I was breathing air that had never been breathed before. Top of the world.
Now I remember a long time ago a man that committed murder. His defense was that the medication he was put on made him do it. What a crock. Or was it?
Fast forward again.
I guess I started feeding the black wolf table scraps around that time. I had always had aggression issues but I didn't have the ability to act on them. Guess what changed?
I became very aggressive in many aspects of my life. My demon was spending too much time with the black wolf.
I caused a lot of damage not only to my reputation but to other people's lives as well. I was out of control.
My demon was at the wheel and running rampant.
I'm not going to give any details because of plausible deniability. LOL
Maybe the best way to describe it is I was very confrontational. Not always physically violent but always ready for a fight. If someone disagreed with something I thought was correct they were in need of being shown the error of their ways. At any cost.
So just for the sake of this post and not bragging or trying to paint a false picture, let's just say I had become a tough guy. Like I say I'm not bragging.
Everyone has their place in life. No matter who you are eventually you will have something positive to offer.
I hope I'm not moving too fast and missing too much but I have had family members come to me wanting me to do something violent and illegal in order to protect their reputation and job. That didn't just go for family members either.
Prior to this I had a major conflict in my life one night. The demon acted just as you would think the demon would. He overreacted and went way over the top to solve my problem. No one died or was maimed but I can say they may never return to the United States after that night.
After that my reputation of being a tough guy expanded exponentially. My aggression in any conflict whether physical or conversational was beginning to overpower any good that I had ever, ever done.
Fast track again
The demon has been shackled. He has been medicated away. But here's what I am pondering in such a long-winded way.
Is he actually gone or hiding in some deep dark and damp crevice inside of me?
I went from having aggression I couldn't release to having aggression I couldn't control.
Now I have somewhat control over it. Or do I?
What happens when the medication wears off? Even though I'm not on the medication that caused the overflow of aggression but I got a taste of what it is like to let that demon roam freely.
My contemplation is because I was face to face with my demon at one point and I am fully aware now that it is a real thing will it stay suppressed?
Okay I will stop now. I bet most of you didn't make it this far. LOL
Now I'm going to reiterate I am not bragging that I am a tough guy. I still can't fight worth a s***. Probably never will be able to. But I am a much softer kinder person now. More understanding. But how long will that last?
As I sit here drinking my morning pot of coffee and huffing my vape while staring out the window, I decided that maybe I should write this out to help me understand better.
Growing up in the seventies all of us boys had idols that we would try to pattern our lives after.
That pattern would be the tough guy.
John Wayne was a tough guy. Nobody messed with a tough guy. Clint Eastwood was a tough guy. If you messed with him you paid dearly for your mistake.
Crap this is going to be long. LOL
Nobody wants to be weak and picked on.
I heard this thing before. We all have a white wolf and a black wolf that live inside of us and influence our lives. The white wolf being all of the good that encompasses us. The black wolf being all of the evil.
The wolf that grows the largest is the one that we feed the most.
I got to speed this up. So I'm probably going to miss some valuable details.
This is the way I see this, I may be wrong on part of it.
We are all born pre-programmed with a set reaction to conflict. Fight, flight or freeze.
Apparently I was born wired for fight. Not that I can fight despite years of martial arts training. But I am wired for aggression. Put in certain situations I was capable of ripping open a car door that had been crushed in a car accident. It was so mangled everyone thought they used the jaws of life to pry it open. So there is that. Hopefully that'll make sense a little later
So fast forward, in my mid to late 30s my mental health issues hit their Apex. I went from strong and confident to a nervous wreck. I finally talked to my doctor and he literally gave me what is called a starter pack for antidepressants. This was a game changer.
In 45 minutes I went from sniveling Sissy to a competent and functional Goliath. I was breathing air that had never been breathed before. Top of the world.
Now I remember a long time ago a man that committed murder. His defense was that the medication he was put on made him do it. What a crock. Or was it?
Fast forward again.
I guess I started feeding the black wolf table scraps around that time. I had always had aggression issues but I didn't have the ability to act on them. Guess what changed?
I became very aggressive in many aspects of my life. My demon was spending too much time with the black wolf.
I caused a lot of damage not only to my reputation but to other people's lives as well. I was out of control.
My demon was at the wheel and running rampant.
I'm not going to give any details because of plausible deniability. LOL
Maybe the best way to describe it is I was very confrontational. Not always physically violent but always ready for a fight. If someone disagreed with something I thought was correct they were in need of being shown the error of their ways. At any cost.
So just for the sake of this post and not bragging or trying to paint a false picture, let's just say I had become a tough guy. Like I say I'm not bragging.
Everyone has their place in life. No matter who you are eventually you will have something positive to offer.
I hope I'm not moving too fast and missing too much but I have had family members come to me wanting me to do something violent and illegal in order to protect their reputation and job. That didn't just go for family members either.
Prior to this I had a major conflict in my life one night. The demon acted just as you would think the demon would. He overreacted and went way over the top to solve my problem. No one died or was maimed but I can say they may never return to the United States after that night.
After that my reputation of being a tough guy expanded exponentially. My aggression in any conflict whether physical or conversational was beginning to overpower any good that I had ever, ever done.
Fast track again
The demon has been shackled. He has been medicated away. But here's what I am pondering in such a long-winded way.
Is he actually gone or hiding in some deep dark and damp crevice inside of me?
I went from having aggression I couldn't release to having aggression I couldn't control.
Now I have somewhat control over it. Or do I?
What happens when the medication wears off? Even though I'm not on the medication that caused the overflow of aggression but I got a taste of what it is like to let that demon roam freely.
My contemplation is because I was face to face with my demon at one point and I am fully aware now that it is a real thing will it stay suppressed?
Okay I will stop now. I bet most of you didn't make it this far. LOL
Now I'm going to reiterate I am not bragging that I am a tough guy. I still can't fight worth a s***. Probably never will be able to. But I am a much softer kinder person now. More understanding. But how long will that last?
56-60, M
