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I have a demon living inside of me.

I have written bits and pieces about this over the years here. It's something that had a huge influence in my life in the past.
As I sit here drinking my morning pot of coffee and huffing my vape while staring out the window, I decided that maybe I should write this out to help me understand better.
Growing up in the seventies all of us boys had idols that we would try to pattern our lives after.
That pattern would be the tough guy.
John Wayne was a tough guy. Nobody messed with a tough guy. Clint Eastwood was a tough guy. If you messed with him you paid dearly for your mistake.
Crap this is going to be long. LOL
Nobody wants to be weak and picked on.
I heard this thing before. We all have a white wolf and a black wolf that live inside of us and influence our lives. The white wolf being all of the good that encompasses us. The black wolf being all of the evil.
The wolf that grows the largest is the one that we feed the most.
I got to speed this up. So I'm probably going to miss some valuable details.
This is the way I see this, I may be wrong on part of it.
We are all born pre-programmed with a set reaction to conflict. Fight, flight or freeze.
Apparently I was born wired for fight. Not that I can fight despite years of martial arts training. But I am wired for aggression. Put in certain situations I was capable of ripping open a car door that had been crushed in a car accident. It was so mangled everyone thought they used the jaws of life to pry it open. So there is that. Hopefully that'll make sense a little later
So fast forward, in my mid to late 30s my mental health issues hit their Apex. I went from strong and confident to a nervous wreck. I finally talked to my doctor and he literally gave me what is called a starter pack for antidepressants. This was a game changer.
In 45 minutes I went from sniveling Sissy to a competent and functional Goliath. I was breathing air that had never been breathed before. Top of the world.
Now I remember a long time ago a man that committed murder. His defense was that the medication he was put on made him do it. What a crock. Or was it?
Fast forward again.
I guess I started feeding the black wolf table scraps around that time. I had always had aggression issues but I didn't have the ability to act on them. Guess what changed?
I became very aggressive in many aspects of my life. My demon was spending too much time with the black wolf.
I caused a lot of damage not only to my reputation but to other people's lives as well. I was out of control.
My demon was at the wheel and running rampant.
I'm not going to give any details because of plausible deniability. LOL
Maybe the best way to describe it is I was very confrontational. Not always physically violent but always ready for a fight. If someone disagreed with something I thought was correct they were in need of being shown the error of their ways. At any cost.
So just for the sake of this post and not bragging or trying to paint a false picture, let's just say I had become a tough guy. Like I say I'm not bragging.
Everyone has their place in life. No matter who you are eventually you will have something positive to offer.
I hope I'm not moving too fast and missing too much but I have had family members come to me wanting me to do something violent and illegal in order to protect their reputation and job. That didn't just go for family members either.
Prior to this I had a major conflict in my life one night. The demon acted just as you would think the demon would. He overreacted and went way over the top to solve my problem. No one died or was maimed but I can say they may never return to the United States after that night.
After that my reputation of being a tough guy expanded exponentially. My aggression in any conflict whether physical or conversational was beginning to overpower any good that I had ever, ever done.
Fast track again
The demon has been shackled. He has been medicated away. But here's what I am pondering in such a long-winded way.
Is he actually gone or hiding in some deep dark and damp crevice inside of me?
I went from having aggression I couldn't release to having aggression I couldn't control.
Now I have somewhat control over it. Or do I?
What happens when the medication wears off? Even though I'm not on the medication that caused the overflow of aggression but I got a taste of what it is like to let that demon roam freely.
My contemplation is because I was face to face with my demon at one point and I am fully aware now that it is a real thing will it stay suppressed?
Okay I will stop now. I bet most of you didn't make it this far. LOL
Now I'm going to reiterate I am not bragging that I am a tough guy. I still can't fight worth a s***. Probably never will be able to. But I am a much softer kinder person now. More understanding. But how long will that last?
SW-User
I read the whole thing. We are very similar - not exact copies but the way you put things reminds me of how I would explain or feel internally about something. I always think this when reading your posts. 🤣

As for meds, I heard of certain antidepressants being mentioned in certain court cases in news and such. When I heard this about a medication I was once on, I stopped taking it immediately just in case it did/was doing something to my brain that might make me be otherwise not me.

It's difficult once you're typecast as the tough guy or aggressor to break that particular mould, even when it is only to preempt the same from people who outnumber you and scatter anyway because you've called their bluff and are willing to pay whatever price. Are they?

This is the same reason why you're a good father. Try not to overthink this stuff with demons.

[i]"Every grain of comfort holds the seed of fear."[/i] -Bruce Dickinson, 'Acoustic Song'

Try not to overthink it. The fact you're questioning it is a sign of a healthy mind that wants to make sure it isn't bullshitting itself.

Godspeed. 🤘
SW-User
@Dainbramadge Yeah man I am fuckin confused as ever still lol
Dainbramadge · 56-60, M
@SW-User fear not me from future. I made a mistake that made this very convoluted
You said Kojac not Kolshack. LOL
Man I was really off the rails.
Carl Kolshack was a character played by Darren McGavin in a series called The night stalker.
It was huge in the early seventies. At least majorly huge to me.
I believe it only ran one or two seasons.
He was a reporter for the daily times and he had this cool boss that was such an ass named Vincenzo.
Anyway Carl would investigate the weird news. Vampires werewolves zombies shambling brush mounds. He would end up slaying the monster and his camera amazingly would never capture any images of the monsters so his stories were all debunked by Vincenzo.
Now go do your homework. LOL
SW-User
@Dainbramadge Aye sir will do sir...what am I saying? Why am I talking to myself?! 😉
Hey, guess what? I read every word. And I have a couple thoughts.

I had absolutely no sense of you bragging. People are who they are and, yes, some have a dark side that runs rampant. Our brains are still an unchartered territory. I often compare it to the ocean in that no matter how much we explore, we will never truly be able to reach its full depth.

Reading your words however, I saw that you have gone deeper than many. You know yourself and your flaws. You recognize and own your past. And you know your monster. You know where he sleeps and you are concerned with his waking.

This is not a weakness (I know you didn’t say it was) and the fear you have, I believe, is actually a strength more powerful than any physical strength. You recognize that you don’t want to go back to where you were. That gives you the ultimate control. Your monster doesn’t call the shots anymore because now you hold the chains to it, not the other way around.

In writing this…you are feeding that beautiful white wolf. The black one may never starve to death, but you can keep him weak and submissive…which I think is exactly what you are doing.
Dainbramadge · 56-60, M
@Pinkstarburst holy cow. What a reaction. How very insightful and inspiring your comment is.
When I was reading your comment, more than one time, did I say out loud "yeah that's what I'm trying to say.".
I think you understand me way too well. Like you have a lot of life experience. Definitely wiser than most.
Thank you so much for this comment. You have helped me to put a different light on the topic and you didn't misread one word that I wrote.
I don't mean to say that I'm surprised that you yourself wrote this comment I am surprised that anyone could write a comment like this.
It must be the mood that I am in but I am very inspired by your words. I'm also comforted by them. Knowing that that demon still lurks was unsettling a bit. But when I take your perception in perspective it all makes a little more sense.
Oh one more thing. I just realized what caused me to start reflecting on this topic. There is an issue with my son. Nothing big I assure you but it has been blown out of proportion. The school got the police involved because of their stupid policies. There was a chance I was going to be present while the police officers were questioning my son. I actually wanted to be there for him. Moral support I guess. But the more I played it through my head the worst the scenario was turning out. I foresaw the demon taking the wheel again. Even just for that moment. Nothing good would have come from it. And simply for that reason I put it aside that I would be present. Besides his mom also said she wanted to be there. LOL.
Before I read your comment I think, in a nutshell, that I didn't trust myself anymore. But after reading your comment I think you are right. I hold the chains.
Thank you again you have had a very positive influence on something that has been lurking in my brain for a while.
Thank you so much again.
@Pinkstarburst wow.. beautifully said
Damn man I can relate to this in so many ways.. I definitely see what you meant earlier when you mentioned how alike we are.

I was that same guy, still might be sometimes. Even as a kid I was the guy people came to to get shit handled. My friends, cousins, & since I was the oldest of my siblings I handled their shit as well. I couldn't even tell you how many people I beat the fuck out of for disrescting my sister alone. Even though I actually gave a fuck, I was good at acting like I didn't & growing up abused taught me to never accept disrespect from anyone & never show anybody my real pain. I learned to never give anyone the satisfaction of knowing I was hurt & my anger & aggression was a good way of covering that up.

I love the wolf analogy. You're a great writer. But I can tell your white wolf is bigger than the black. I understand the worry of wondering if he's really gone or just waiting in the shadows. He will always be there but what matters is if the white wolf will still have the strength to fend him off. I believe in you man
Dainbramadge · 56-60, M
@ChiefWalksWith40oz damn man. I am really digging your comments.
You may not have the age but you sure do have the wisdom.
I wasn't thinking about the white wolf having the power to subdue the black wolf. But if I indeed do continue to feed the white wolf then it should be able to do so.
Just like in our previous comments about kids so does this hold true here. They are my reason to keep that demon in check. All it would take at this point is one slip to cause a complete and utter upheaval. That black wolf is all it would take if he showed his face for even a second.
If I were anyone else with any other background I could afford to let the black wolf show his face. But right now even if warranted I would be worried.
Thank you for sharing this with me. It is greatly appreciated and very insightful.
I very much so look forward to our future interactions.
@Dainbramadge I didn't even know you before a few hours ago & already I can tell that I like you a lot. Not a lot of people can look into themselves as deeply as you're able to & that's a special trait. I'm happy that you have your kids & that they have you. I know you would bury bodies for your kids & I don't say that as something to think about.. I say that because I can see the extent you'd be willing to go for them & the capacity you have to do so. I see your strength doesn't lie in aggression or the black wolf, it lies in the love you have & the knowledge you have of yourself
Dainbramadge · 56-60, M
@ChiefWalksWith40oz you're the best buddy. I feel that connection too. Things are looking up for me lately. :-)
I read it all. I knew a very gentle but disturbed boy that was put on meds. He stared slashing his own body. Finally the meds were changed and he became depressed and gentle again. He was a loner and all he wanted was to be loved. He wad murdered. This boy was my nephew and my point is the meds ruined him. The type and dosage has to be absolutely correct or bad things can happen. Thank you for sharing your story.
SW-User
@mondayschild2 Agreed and understood. There was a 'professional' here who took money to hawk experimental medications that for all I know my own mentally ill dad was on. Bastards.
@SW-User Thank you!
@Eddiesolds Thank you!
Justmeraeagain · 56-60, F
As long as you feed the white wolf and starve the black one.
Dainbramadge · 56-60, M
@Justmeraeagain I guess I just wasn't sure if I could trust my own judgment anymore. After a long stretch of letting the black wolf run The show.
But after writing this and reading all of these wonderful comments I am pretty sure I am the one that is in control. I am pretty sure that I have been feeding the white wolf more
Thank you for your comment.
Your question is coming from your White Wolf. Your Black Wolf doesn’t question, he doesn’t think, he only acts or reacts. It is good you remember your past and it sounds like you have learned from it. There is never any harm in being wary so long as it’s not all-consuming, and I don’t think you’re doing that. How long it will last is up to you and the course you choose. It is not always the a matter of the voice you listen to. Sometimes it’s the voice you ignore. To sum up, you are listening to the correct one. Kudos to you. It takes a man to know he has erred and needs to change course. You’ve done that. Carry on. 👍
SW-User
@stratosranger Hell of an answer, man.
Dainbramadge · 56-60, M
@stratosranger where have all of you people been?
I had no idea that there were people here with the depth of philosophical analysis that you just gave
So wonderful to read
It was so validating. Something I greatly lacked in my life. The part about the black wolf just being a reactionary tool is deep as hell. What a wonderful way to describe that evil little beast
But so correct.
Damn there is so much more I want to say about this awesome comment. Time is just flying by and I have an appointment. Well actually I got to pick the boys up from school. LOL
You do really know how to describe things that I fight to understand. This is so fantastic.
Thank you so very much for this and for reading my ungodly long post. LOL
@Dainbramadge Thank you kindly. Remember you’re never alone. Others have shared similar pains and dilemmas. Some of us are here to listen and render aid when and where we can. Just reach out. Answers always await you.
Peaches · F
Your story reminds me of "The Tale Of Two Wolves"....🐺💕🖤🐺

ONE EVENING, AN ELDERLY
CHEROKEE BRAVE TOLD HIS
GRANDSON ABOUT A BATTLE THAT
GOES ON INSIDE PEOPLE.

HE SAID "MY SON, THE BATTLE IS
BETWEEN TWO 'WOLVES' INSIDE US ALL.
ONE IS EVIL. IT IS ANGER,
ENVY, JEALOUSY, SORROW,
REGRET, GREED, ARROGANCE,
SELF-PITY, GUILT, RESENTMENT,
INFERIORITY, LIES, FALSE PRIDE,
SUPERIORITY, AND EGO.

THE OTHER IS GOOD.
IT IS JOY, PEACE LOVE, HOPE SERENITY,
HUMILITY, KINDNESS, BENEVOLENCE,
EMPATHY, GENEROSITY,
TRUTH, COMPASSION AND FAITH."

THE GRANDSON THOUGH ABOUT
IT FOR A MINUTE AND THEN ASKED
HIS GRANDFATHER:

"WHICH WOLF WINS?..."

THE OLD CHEROKEE SIMPLY REPLIED,
"THE ONE THAT YOU FEED" 💓
Dainbramadge · 56-60, M
@Peaches you know peaches that is a fantastic analogy. The demon that lives in me, for lack of a better name, is wrath. Wrath is all of the things described in this analogy.
I got to say as I talk about this more to other people in my messages and all of these wonderful comments, I am realizing my true issue must be the seduction of the power that the demon possesses.
I won't go into huge detail on that just because it would be rehashing of stuff but thank you for sharing this with me.
It was very helpful.
Peaches · F
@Dainbramadge The simplest of stories can drive a very important message home. Don't give it power anymore...stay positive (the devil feeds off of negativity) and feed the right one. [i][b][c=4C0073]HUGS💗[/c][/b][/i]
maturedragon · 26-30, M
yep read every word of it, talking about the white wolf and black wolf is almost the same as yin and yang everything must be in balance to work.

Anyway knowing about your past is a strength in knowing how you got stronger and over come the difficulties, thus knowing your demon is the first step in how to handle him, yes you have tasted what it was like when he was free but you control him now, sure he is always there but you have the shackles that is keeping him and the power to over come and keep on fighting
Dainbramadge · 56-60, M
@maturedragon you touched on a few points that I really want to reply to. I hope I find my way back here when I have more time
Thank you for coming and reading.
I have to pick my boys up from school and I won't be able to get back on until probably early morning tomorrow.
If by chance I miss getting back to here I'm going to private message you about it.
Thank you again
maturedragon · 26-30, M
@Dainbramadge no problem, everyone has a demon whether they like it or not, glad you found what yours was and managed to shackle it
Dainbramadge · 56-60, M
@maturedragon what I wanted to say earlier was with comments like yours I do realize that I can trust myself. I do have control.
That is what started this post. I found myself contemplating an upcoming issue. I imagined several scenarios that could take place and they weren't ending well. So as it turns out I started to doubt if I could trust myself in those type of situations anymore at all.
But after reading comments like yours I am pretty sure I do have a handle on that aspect of my personality.
Thank you so much for this comment.
HoraceGreenley · 56-60, M
Its called testosterone. Man up
HoraceGreenley · 56-60, M
@Dainbramadge Dude there's no way I'm reading all that. I'm just trying to be pithy
Dainbramadge · 56-60, M
@HoraceGreenley one of the things I thought to myself when I was writing this war and Peace novel was who the hell would really read all of this. I wouldn't. I don't. LOL
You are good. I enjoyed your comment no matter if you you read it or not. :-)
HoraceGreenley · 56-60, M
@Dainbramadge thanks dude
Lostpoet · M
This is very well written and I can definitely relate except for the growing up looking for people to emulate. I always looked at people and my surroundings and thought I never want to be like you or live in a place like this. But I was never able to leave and even though I still don't feel like the people around me I got caught in some of the similar traps. I grew up on the Nirvana out look that heroes always disappoint that if you truly saw the real John Wayne and not the actor you'd say I don't want to be anything like that guy. The Wolf thing is a good metaphor though and it's true you can get trapt in the pattern of feeding one while starving the other and each pack is only as strong as it's weakest member.
Find a genuine Christian in your area and let them pray over you commanding the demon to leave. They HAVE to go in Jesus name as long as it is a real Christian…

King James Bible
And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues;…
Mark 16:17



Honestly what you described is just how they are.
@NoGamesTolerated And medicating to keep them subdued is exactly what they do.
Dainbramadge · 56-60, M
@NoGamesTolerated that is pretty insightful.
I don't subscribe to religion much. But there is a lot of wisdom in its teachings.
At times I am very weak. I allow things to happen because I am feeling less than competent because of past incidences.
But I can definitely see what you are saying and I can also see a huge benefit to it
Thank you for reading and commenting such a thoughtful comment.
Adstar · 56-60, M
I read the lot... When you say you are not braging about being a violent man you seem to be revealing that you like being the violent guy with a reputation..
Dainbramadge · 56-60, M
@Adstar well I'm not going to lie. At the time I did like being that person. I also liked that everyone knew it. I was John f****** Wayne times five.
But see that has passed. It has been a long time gone. But no matter how many times I give the explanation for why I acted like I did and show through my actions that I'm not that guy anymore, I continue to be painted with that same old tired brush.
Actually the only reason that I wrote this was partially to get input from anyone who read it. But mostly to try to organize the thoughts that were running through my head as I reflected on my past.
Besides how can you be a tough guy that can't fight. LOL
Adstar · 56-60, M
@Dainbramadge You had a short fuse but age tends to mellow Short fused guys.. It really is dangerous to be that guy because sooner or later you meet up with a guy like yourself who's packing or who knows how to physically destroy a man.. Plus you are now older so your not a young buck with all the young man strength, speed and power.. And yeah there are always newer younger versions of yourself coming out of the wood work.. Best to have the self control and the smarts to keep yourself out of trouble when you are older..

As for it coming back.. I am sure if someone presses your buttons enough you will get triggered back into psycho mode for a short period before you manage to grab yourself or you have a heart attack from the hyper stress that all that kind of shenanigans will induce in your body..

Did the drugs change you or was is simply a case of growing older?? Could have been a combination of both..

I hope it is more to do with you growing older.. That way you may be able to free yourself of those drugs..

Will it come back? don't know.. But if it does your life will be a short one.. So do whatever it takes to keep it under control..
Dainbramadge · 56-60, M
@Adstar you do get it. You are so right about coming up against someone who feels like I do only has more of a show of force than I can possess.
Younger stronger faster is also an issue.
I do have to say that these comments have all been very helpful. They're helping me understand myself better believe it or not.
I think you are right. I think age and wisdom has a lot to do with the ability to control silly s*** like a temper. I think most people don't throw temper tantrums at the age of 54. LOL.
Maybe I was just a spoiled child acting out and now I am not anymore just naturally more mature.
Thank you for sharing your insightfulness and thoughts with me. They're greatly appreciated.
Dainbramadge · 56-60, M
@mysteryespresso it's okay at the moment. I'm just pondering the idea of whether it is really gone or just hiding.
Thank you for reading that liken to war and Peace. LOL
Till You make it last.
✌️😇
Dainbramadge · 56-60, M
@sspec I guess it is one of those situations where it is solely up to me to decide how long it will last.
I was just chatting with someone from this thread in private message and realized it is completely up to me to keep that demon in check daily just like a drug addict has to deal with addiction.
Now I have to wonder if I have that in me. LOL
Thank you for commenting.
@Dainbramadge you are wise enough for your well-being.

 
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