Need to Change My Life

Goals:

You make goals and you see them through, you make yourself regardless of how you feel. Once you start achieving them you'll feel proud and good about yourself which motivates you to do more, then you keep doing it and you become more disciplined and happier with who you are.

You create a positive feedback loop, the wheel turns slow at first and you have to push it but once it's going you'll want to do more. Set 2-3 achievable goals the first day and actually do them. Don't beat yourself up, but follow through.

Start with small stuff like for example: do 50 pushups in small increments but do it in one day, then you do more after you've done it a few times. Apply the same method to assignments, do 1 or 2 sections of it, then the same again another day. You'll feel relieved and happy you did it and you'll get addicted to that feeling. You create your energy.

Start letting go of the crap keeping you down like your addictions, do it in your own time but it's important.

Mental:

Addiction is a form of escape from who you are, it's a symptom of you not being happy with who you are or what you're doing or not doing. You won't need drugs or whatever to feel good when you're already feeling good in general. I feel way better not smoking weed etc, that saps your energy as well, pretty much all drugs do.

Don't like the way you react to certain situations? ask yourself why, go into your past and back to the point you're at. Do you lie sometimes and you don't like it? do the same thing. Ask yourself what the things you respect in a person are, think of a person you respect and examine that. Do the work to take on the qualities of a version of yourself you can be proud of and respect. Conclude "I'm not the kind of person who does that kind of thing" why, what do you have to do to be that person? what changes can you make?.

If you keep your word to yourself, you'll like yourself and you'll feel great. If you get rid of the skeletons in your closet in terms of the things you want to change in yourself, you'll respect yourself. If you can do those things you'll become your own anchor and you'll feel less anxious and you likely won't be in a rut anymore.

The system of events probably looks like this atm for you

Anxiety - worry or escape, don't accomplish goal - "failure" - don't like yourself for it - depression - repeat.

You wanna make it - Anxiety - accomplish goal - feel good about yourself - improvement/happy. Then the anxiety part will dissipate over time.

Apologies for the long fucking message but its not something I can summarise in a few lines. I'll be polite and end it here though. I say this as somebody who dealt with all of this and changed his life around completely. So hope you can find a bit of value in it and hopefully make a change.