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I Want to Be a Better Person

It's an unusual thing to be recognized an individualist. People see you as strong or self-reliant or independent. It's praised as a virtue to never need anything from anyone, although most of those people consciously choose to avoid striving for it. Many are wholly convinced that they need benchmarks and accomplishments to survive.

Even before Maslow ever created his hierarchy, people were debating what things a person truly needs in their life. Love, purpose, belonging, knowledge were among the points they made. Even today people use the word 'need' in reference to any number of desires they wish to fulfill.

Though I think if you were to look at it from an objective perspective, people need surprisingly little to get by. It's a point I tried to prove after cutting my family out of my life. I deprived myself of money by leaving my job. I deprived myself of a home by sleeping in my car. I deprived myself of 3 square meals a day by eating whatever I could scavenge out of dumpsters and discarded containers. I deprived myself of company by losing contact with the people I knew.

And in all those months, I never once begged for anything. I got by purely by my own will. In spite of all the limitations, I found homelessness wasn't actually that bad. I was able to keep myself entertained and learned a lot of things that would have taken me a lot longer to figure out had I not abandoned my old life.

One of those things I should have learned is that nobody really needs anything. There's food and water and air, of course, but the list trails off after that. When people say they need something, what they really mean is that they want to increase their level of comfort. After all, no one has ever died of boredom or loneliness.

And that's the blunt truth behind my independent nature. I don't need anyone. I realized that I can make it on my own. I can let relationships rot away without missing a beat. I can leave a job or a house or a city and land on my feet somewhere else.

I don't need to be here. I don't need to message people. I don't need to reply to posts. Doing any of these things is unnecessary. But I still choose to do them.

In the face of this reality, making the choice to be here is an election to work towards something greater. I'm going against the easy path of doing nothing to achieve a loftier goal. I'm giving away time and effort I could use elsewhere to realize a certain outcome. I'm here in the pursuit of intimacy.

No, I don't need it. I've lived this long without it and I can certainly go longer. There's no beckoning to make myself vulnerable or to air out my flaws. There's nothing exhilarating about slowly opening yourself up and gradually getting to know someone else. Ultimately, turning away from the path of least resistance is inviting discomfort. Ironically, the same kind of discomfort people use to justify their neediness.

But I don't need it. I'm doing this because a life without challenge is boring and mechanical and I know I can do better. With other people, the potential to bring out the best in each other is brimming. The combined knowledge and support and insight and experience is enough to make us all better people. It provides sufficient building blocks to create meaning. To sculpt a life much more memorable than one you might ever make on your own. To fuel a fire bright enough to see things you could only imagine.

It's important to note, however, that none of that is going to fall into my lap. The skies are not going to part for my benefit. At the end of the day, this is going to take work. Unglamorous, unspectacular work. Golden opportunities are too rare to rely on. Waiting is a death sentence at best. I have to do more to put myself into the lives of others. I have to listen attentively, watch closely, and speak directly if I want to find those conducive to this pursuit of mine. It will not be easy. I'd be a fool to expect it to be.

Though blaming others when things don't turn out my way is a fruitless endeavor. All the blame in the world won't bring me closer to realizing what I want. Any change has to come from me. And I hope it will. It's not going to miraculously come from anywhere else.

So with that said, I'm off to build some bridges. You're welcome to join me if you'd like.
Good luck to you. I hope you find and gain things that are worth having in your life.
May I ask why you are going to begin seeking out other people? I know you said you want to become a better person, but I'm nosy for details.
SW-User
@AmbivalentFriability Obviously it's something much easier said than done, but the kind of platform we have here should be plenty adequate to achieve this.

Compatibility isn't typically easy to detect, but with enough attempts it's likely to happen. If I'm here, chances are that there are others similar to me here as well. I did manage to come across you, and that's been a welcome comfort so far
@SW-User Yes, it can be a rather daunting and at times frustrating endeavour.

I quite like being described as a welcome comfort.
SW-User
@AmbivalentFriability You're easy to talk to, I'd say. You have good awareness. You're pretty intuitive. Lots of people are basically walls that dole out unsolicited advice. You actually get it.

When you try to open up, even on a site like this, that kind of reception is priceless. Definitely makes things the process easier

 
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