I Feel Like a Failure Sometimes
what is something people misunderstand about you the most?
I was asked by my dear husband one quiet evening that question, and it took me a long time to answer let alone muster what it was. specifically, it took me about a day or two. I came back to him and had a conclusion that might sound sad and self-degrading to some, or annoying and entitled to others. Here is the answer I told him: I have always been told I have it in me to be a great and good person, but I don't think so.
When I was a child a lot of people told me I would definitely end up as a successful person. Success to them would mean a big chunk of money, nice house and car, great stable career, nice kids, and a good husband. I was bred by my asian tiger mother to be the best, mainly in academics, because we were poor at that time and my mum believed that education was the only key to poverty. So I started very early, as a teacher's pet, a school president, a member of school clubs here and there and you could say my brother and I were as famous as the kardashians in my school. Believe me, it did not add to my confidence. It actually just gave me social anxiety that I still have problems woth until today. Growing up, my mother would not only harness my mind, but she soon found out I loved performing. So, she made coached me a lot in dancing, declaming, acting, and singing. She was a former 1000000th beauty pageant winner, lol. I went to competitions and mostly I ended up 2nd, and my mother would of course be proud but also slightly defeated. My aunt, uncles, and grandparents would also think highly of me. I had good grades in school, and they thought I must be damn smart. Yet they didnt know that I was not intelligent-I was just damn industrious. Up until I went to college, my mother resigned her idea of me as a doctor or a lawyer and insteas she accepted (with pain) that I was gonna be a writer or whatever artist I was. So she made this glorious image of me towards herself, her friends and our family that I was this edgy, colorful, weird, out of this world artist. Even though I was just a normal struggling artist, having even a hard time figuring out how to draw hands in my drawing class. She insisted that I was special. She told me that I was not like others, that I had a broad mind, that I was born for the future and yet all I felt was depression. Yikes, I think that was the only true "artist character" I had. My friend once told me, "I have a feeling that someday I would just see you in some add sign." Others boast me as an "eccentric creator."
In the end, I turned out okay. I was not mediocre, but I cannot say I am the best. There are so many artists out there with great ideas and the world is full of new arising styles and canvases that I would not consider myself unique, or out of this world. To think that I was would be too much. In fact, I don't even think of myself as an artist. I cringe when people tell me I am. Not because artists are horrible, but because I hold a high state definition of what an artist is.
So, am I successful? Yes, in many ways I am. I got a good dog and a good husband. I am mostly in peace, I am more at home with myself. So success is really personal. But until now my family still thinks I am gonna be great someday. That something big is gonna happen and hey, sometimes I feel that too about myself but right now I am just a jobless, book reading, anxiety sticken, loving wife and writer.
Ever had those childhood classmates or friends who are suuuuper mad genuis talented at something or smart then they end up generic when they are adults? Yeah, that is moi. Haha.
I was asked by my dear husband one quiet evening that question, and it took me a long time to answer let alone muster what it was. specifically, it took me about a day or two. I came back to him and had a conclusion that might sound sad and self-degrading to some, or annoying and entitled to others. Here is the answer I told him: I have always been told I have it in me to be a great and good person, but I don't think so.
When I was a child a lot of people told me I would definitely end up as a successful person. Success to them would mean a big chunk of money, nice house and car, great stable career, nice kids, and a good husband. I was bred by my asian tiger mother to be the best, mainly in academics, because we were poor at that time and my mum believed that education was the only key to poverty. So I started very early, as a teacher's pet, a school president, a member of school clubs here and there and you could say my brother and I were as famous as the kardashians in my school. Believe me, it did not add to my confidence. It actually just gave me social anxiety that I still have problems woth until today. Growing up, my mother would not only harness my mind, but she soon found out I loved performing. So, she made coached me a lot in dancing, declaming, acting, and singing. She was a former 1000000th beauty pageant winner, lol. I went to competitions and mostly I ended up 2nd, and my mother would of course be proud but also slightly defeated. My aunt, uncles, and grandparents would also think highly of me. I had good grades in school, and they thought I must be damn smart. Yet they didnt know that I was not intelligent-I was just damn industrious. Up until I went to college, my mother resigned her idea of me as a doctor or a lawyer and insteas she accepted (with pain) that I was gonna be a writer or whatever artist I was. So she made this glorious image of me towards herself, her friends and our family that I was this edgy, colorful, weird, out of this world artist. Even though I was just a normal struggling artist, having even a hard time figuring out how to draw hands in my drawing class. She insisted that I was special. She told me that I was not like others, that I had a broad mind, that I was born for the future and yet all I felt was depression. Yikes, I think that was the only true "artist character" I had. My friend once told me, "I have a feeling that someday I would just see you in some add sign." Others boast me as an "eccentric creator."
In the end, I turned out okay. I was not mediocre, but I cannot say I am the best. There are so many artists out there with great ideas and the world is full of new arising styles and canvases that I would not consider myself unique, or out of this world. To think that I was would be too much. In fact, I don't even think of myself as an artist. I cringe when people tell me I am. Not because artists are horrible, but because I hold a high state definition of what an artist is.
So, am I successful? Yes, in many ways I am. I got a good dog and a good husband. I am mostly in peace, I am more at home with myself. So success is really personal. But until now my family still thinks I am gonna be great someday. That something big is gonna happen and hey, sometimes I feel that too about myself but right now I am just a jobless, book reading, anxiety sticken, loving wife and writer.
Ever had those childhood classmates or friends who are suuuuper mad genuis talented at something or smart then they end up generic when they are adults? Yeah, that is moi. Haha.
