A Story EP 7/8 : The price of freedom
Episode 7: The Price of Freedom
Now I had a moral dilemma. I couldn’t have freedom without betraying my mentor.
I knew, I knew, from the start that my medical aid wouldn’t pay for all group sessions outside of that one week I was in hospital seeing Dr. A. and I knew that Dr. A would probably put all the sessions on the bill, giving it a 99% chance of being rejected, regardless if it was in time or not.
A lot of people might not understand this so I’ll put it like this: I bought psychic power from Dr. A on credit and used that power to light the way out of Satan’s dustbin.
I didn’t tell her so that she would still agree to see me for all those other sessions before that week in hospital and afterwards, I needed those sessions, without which I’d still be jobless and afraid to leave the house in Satan’s Dustbin. – If I had told her the whole truth back then, would she still have agreed to help me? No. Keeping her in the dark was a necessary evil.
The moral dilemma was:
Spend the money I had earned so far to settle my account (about half of all my savings)
-OR-
Leave Dr. A to fight the medical aid dogs by herself thereby letting me keep all the money I’d earned so far.
I chose to leave Dr. A hanging because I would do anything to get out of Satan’s Dustbin safely before I was too old to enjoy my life, my fear about not having enough money to “make it” in Jo’burg and that If I did pay I would only have this much money again in a years time, so making me start later in Jo’burg and be older - that fear justified not paying her right then and there.
I hoped she’d understand and one day I would explain it to her when I finally got to Jo’burg. – I didn’t tell her this right now, I just left her hanging. I took comfort in the thought that Dr. A wanted me to move Jo’Burg at any cost. We used to joke about how she was my Yoda and I was a Jedi. Now we both knew which Jedi I was - Aniken.
Paying my bill with Dr. A would have jeopardized my chances of leaving, my resolve for staying in my job was starting to get weak, I was getting tired of having to use my “Jedi mind tricks” to survive, It was brilliant to know that I could now work anywhere because I knew how to defend my sanity.
But that didn’t improve my working environment where I was actually good at my job, editing videos. I didn’t want to stay there any longer than I had to, so the quicker I hit my money target, the quicker I could leave Satan’s Dustbin(I needed money to fix my unreliable car problem and money to survive staying in Jo’burg for an amount of time without a job, until I could find one.)
To fix the transport problem I bought a scooter (at a one-time-only deal) in January 2008 which cost about a third of my savings, at that time I was glued to Jo’burg’s classifieds for jobs and accommodation. I discovered that rent prices had gone up quite a bit.
It seemed that during the beginning of the year landlords had upped their prices to take advantage of the influx of students and working professionals, because most start their careers in January.
Jo’burg was going to cost more than I thought, No surprise there, and since a third of my savings was spent, I adjusted my plan slightly: (1) Stay in Satan’s Dustbin until mid 2008 to get my savings back into a better safety margin to live in Jo’burg. (2) To start applying for the same job position I had right now (instead of just landing in Jo’burg looking for anything I could get)
So I planned to stay in video instead of trying to start in music from scratch.
For the next six months I watched the classifieds and the net for a job opening like mine, I was passive about finding a job, waiting for something to pop up, and the only opportunities that popped up were unpaid internships and very highly qualified positions
So I realized that not all doors will be open for me, I needed to start knocking on some. So I did. I started calling every production company in Jo’burg, saying I was doing “research” by asking them what type of qualifications one needed to work at each one.
Then I stumbled upon the last one I’d ever need to call, and the guy was more interested in why I was asking, than my actual questioning. He said that a job had just opened up and that he was looking for a new employee. I went for an interview and got the job, just in time. I was planning on leaving Satan’s Dustbin by June (because I’d couldn’t bear working there anymore) and hoping for anything I could find, but now I was lucky enough to be starting a new job in July.
I did it!!! I made it out of Satan’s Dustbin at last, and still young enough to rebuild my life and make up for the mistakes of the past.
I spent the rest of 2008 getting a foothold in my new job and the big city. Making sure I couldn’t fall back into Satan’s Dustbin again anytime soon.
I was ready to try out meeting new people and I tried to start creating a new friendship circle, the easiest place to start was with my co-workers like Shaun, who also introduced me to his friends but I couldn’t take it beyond the, “Hey guys this is my friend Rudboy41” and everyone says Hi and they just see me as ‘the guy that Shaun works with” all I could reach was acquaintance level. Being new in the city, I didn’t share any past memories that I could relate to with them, which meant we’d need to make some new ones, for me to make much progress really.
So I meet them at bars and clubs but I was never invited to go to more socially intimate settings, where they could get to know me better, places like braai’s or chilling at someone’s house. Shaun and his friends weren’t really my type of people anyway, I thought beggars can’t be choosers.
I didn’t have many other avenues to explore for making friends, I tried going out to a nightclub on my own a few times, I found I didn’t have a problem putting myself where all the cool people were, I could put myself right there, where the action was but I couldn’t take it further than that. I literally just stood there by them.
Most times I could join my target group on the dance floor or at the bar for a drink and a brief introduction. But I couldn’t take it further. I just stood there and hung onto the group - like a leech, until I realized I was leeching so I’d just leave before I was found out.
I had already learnt a lot about psychology and techniques to overcome shyness and try and meet people, I found I could do them but after I got that right, I didn’t know what to do next to get further, like I had the answers but I still didn’t know how to make friends.
Something was missing, some knowledge, and I didn’t know where to look to find it. I came to realize that knowledge without experience is really just theory. I knew I could use more training from Dr. A, but I wasn’t ready to explore that avenue yet, because I didn’t have enough money saved for emergencies and her old bill yet.
I used the same techniques I knew at limited social encounters during the rest of the year and came up with the same result. I decided I’d try and re-establish contact with my old mentor again sometime in 2009..
“You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”
..By the early parts of this year I’d received a raise at work, and now I had made enough money to pay what I owed my old mentor, without it affecting my safety net. So one day I decided to email her, callously asking for an appointment.
I got a stern reply, and with tears in my eyes I read the email, that said: back when I left her hanging a year ago, she was forced to write-off quite a lot of money and tactfully told me, “That I was BANNED from therapy!” – I cried because I knew in my heart what I had done. The writing was on the wall, I had betrayed my mentor, the only Social Anxiety specialist in South Africa - period. The betrayal was the price of escaping my past, and leaving my future an open book once again.
In vain I replied with an email saying that I would pay back the money in cash that month, with the subtle undertone that continuing my therapy was the condition. She just ignored it. I knew why, it was because accepting my cash would add insult to injury, that I only wanted to see her again because I needed her help (would I have even cared if I didn’t?) It was blood money to her, stained with her blood, from the knife in her back.
Actually it was always my intention of paying her back, that’s the truth. I just couldn’t do it until I knew I’d be safe from Satan’s Dustbin. The mistake was not telling her this back when it could have mattered, but I’ll always wonder what she would have said back then.
I don’t blame her for banning me. I am grateful for all she has done.
So here I am, alone. I know what my goals are, and I know I’ll reach them someday. But I’ll always regret knowing that I would have reached them a lot sooner with the aid of a mentor who knew who I really was and could show how to be the best I could be.
Now I had a moral dilemma. I couldn’t have freedom without betraying my mentor.
I knew, I knew, from the start that my medical aid wouldn’t pay for all group sessions outside of that one week I was in hospital seeing Dr. A. and I knew that Dr. A would probably put all the sessions on the bill, giving it a 99% chance of being rejected, regardless if it was in time or not.
A lot of people might not understand this so I’ll put it like this: I bought psychic power from Dr. A on credit and used that power to light the way out of Satan’s dustbin.
I didn’t tell her so that she would still agree to see me for all those other sessions before that week in hospital and afterwards, I needed those sessions, without which I’d still be jobless and afraid to leave the house in Satan’s Dustbin. – If I had told her the whole truth back then, would she still have agreed to help me? No. Keeping her in the dark was a necessary evil.
The moral dilemma was:
Spend the money I had earned so far to settle my account (about half of all my savings)
-OR-
Leave Dr. A to fight the medical aid dogs by herself thereby letting me keep all the money I’d earned so far.
I chose to leave Dr. A hanging because I would do anything to get out of Satan’s Dustbin safely before I was too old to enjoy my life, my fear about not having enough money to “make it” in Jo’burg and that If I did pay I would only have this much money again in a years time, so making me start later in Jo’burg and be older - that fear justified not paying her right then and there.
I hoped she’d understand and one day I would explain it to her when I finally got to Jo’burg. – I didn’t tell her this right now, I just left her hanging. I took comfort in the thought that Dr. A wanted me to move Jo’Burg at any cost. We used to joke about how she was my Yoda and I was a Jedi. Now we both knew which Jedi I was - Aniken.
Paying my bill with Dr. A would have jeopardized my chances of leaving, my resolve for staying in my job was starting to get weak, I was getting tired of having to use my “Jedi mind tricks” to survive, It was brilliant to know that I could now work anywhere because I knew how to defend my sanity.
But that didn’t improve my working environment where I was actually good at my job, editing videos. I didn’t want to stay there any longer than I had to, so the quicker I hit my money target, the quicker I could leave Satan’s Dustbin(I needed money to fix my unreliable car problem and money to survive staying in Jo’burg for an amount of time without a job, until I could find one.)
To fix the transport problem I bought a scooter (at a one-time-only deal) in January 2008 which cost about a third of my savings, at that time I was glued to Jo’burg’s classifieds for jobs and accommodation. I discovered that rent prices had gone up quite a bit.
It seemed that during the beginning of the year landlords had upped their prices to take advantage of the influx of students and working professionals, because most start their careers in January.
Jo’burg was going to cost more than I thought, No surprise there, and since a third of my savings was spent, I adjusted my plan slightly: (1) Stay in Satan’s Dustbin until mid 2008 to get my savings back into a better safety margin to live in Jo’burg. (2) To start applying for the same job position I had right now (instead of just landing in Jo’burg looking for anything I could get)
So I planned to stay in video instead of trying to start in music from scratch.
For the next six months I watched the classifieds and the net for a job opening like mine, I was passive about finding a job, waiting for something to pop up, and the only opportunities that popped up were unpaid internships and very highly qualified positions
So I realized that not all doors will be open for me, I needed to start knocking on some. So I did. I started calling every production company in Jo’burg, saying I was doing “research” by asking them what type of qualifications one needed to work at each one.
Then I stumbled upon the last one I’d ever need to call, and the guy was more interested in why I was asking, than my actual questioning. He said that a job had just opened up and that he was looking for a new employee. I went for an interview and got the job, just in time. I was planning on leaving Satan’s Dustbin by June (because I’d couldn’t bear working there anymore) and hoping for anything I could find, but now I was lucky enough to be starting a new job in July.
I did it!!! I made it out of Satan’s Dustbin at last, and still young enough to rebuild my life and make up for the mistakes of the past.
I spent the rest of 2008 getting a foothold in my new job and the big city. Making sure I couldn’t fall back into Satan’s Dustbin again anytime soon.
I was ready to try out meeting new people and I tried to start creating a new friendship circle, the easiest place to start was with my co-workers like Shaun, who also introduced me to his friends but I couldn’t take it beyond the, “Hey guys this is my friend Rudboy41” and everyone says Hi and they just see me as ‘the guy that Shaun works with” all I could reach was acquaintance level. Being new in the city, I didn’t share any past memories that I could relate to with them, which meant we’d need to make some new ones, for me to make much progress really.
So I meet them at bars and clubs but I was never invited to go to more socially intimate settings, where they could get to know me better, places like braai’s or chilling at someone’s house. Shaun and his friends weren’t really my type of people anyway, I thought beggars can’t be choosers.
I didn’t have many other avenues to explore for making friends, I tried going out to a nightclub on my own a few times, I found I didn’t have a problem putting myself where all the cool people were, I could put myself right there, where the action was but I couldn’t take it further than that. I literally just stood there by them.
Most times I could join my target group on the dance floor or at the bar for a drink and a brief introduction. But I couldn’t take it further. I just stood there and hung onto the group - like a leech, until I realized I was leeching so I’d just leave before I was found out.
I had already learnt a lot about psychology and techniques to overcome shyness and try and meet people, I found I could do them but after I got that right, I didn’t know what to do next to get further, like I had the answers but I still didn’t know how to make friends.
Something was missing, some knowledge, and I didn’t know where to look to find it. I came to realize that knowledge without experience is really just theory. I knew I could use more training from Dr. A, but I wasn’t ready to explore that avenue yet, because I didn’t have enough money saved for emergencies and her old bill yet.
I used the same techniques I knew at limited social encounters during the rest of the year and came up with the same result. I decided I’d try and re-establish contact with my old mentor again sometime in 2009..
“You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”
..By the early parts of this year I’d received a raise at work, and now I had made enough money to pay what I owed my old mentor, without it affecting my safety net. So one day I decided to email her, callously asking for an appointment.
I got a stern reply, and with tears in my eyes I read the email, that said: back when I left her hanging a year ago, she was forced to write-off quite a lot of money and tactfully told me, “That I was BANNED from therapy!” – I cried because I knew in my heart what I had done. The writing was on the wall, I had betrayed my mentor, the only Social Anxiety specialist in South Africa - period. The betrayal was the price of escaping my past, and leaving my future an open book once again.
In vain I replied with an email saying that I would pay back the money in cash that month, with the subtle undertone that continuing my therapy was the condition. She just ignored it. I knew why, it was because accepting my cash would add insult to injury, that I only wanted to see her again because I needed her help (would I have even cared if I didn’t?) It was blood money to her, stained with her blood, from the knife in her back.
Actually it was always my intention of paying her back, that’s the truth. I just couldn’t do it until I knew I’d be safe from Satan’s Dustbin. The mistake was not telling her this back when it could have mattered, but I’ll always wonder what she would have said back then.
I don’t blame her for banning me. I am grateful for all she has done.
So here I am, alone. I know what my goals are, and I know I’ll reach them someday. But I’ll always regret knowing that I would have reached them a lot sooner with the aid of a mentor who knew who I really was and could show how to be the best I could be.
