I read a few (smallish/beginner) books about dark psychology and manipulation, and it's starting to get through my head,

people that make you feel confused and uncomfortable are wrong for you. Nothing else you really need to know.

If things don't line up and something in the way they treat you feels draining, they 1000% do not have your best interest at heart. Whether they know they're doing it or not is irrelevant because they'll never stop.

For the longest time I saw that as a challenge, to show empathy, try to understand and to deserve their love. My dad was a narc, my family sucked, I had to work hard for the backhanded scraps I got. I let everyone use me, having no idea there was another way. It's not lack of self worth like people have been shoving in my face forever. I'm brave, smart, tough and believe in myself, but I don't know what it feels like to be loved how I love.

I don't really know where to go from here. I can't deal with therapy anymore. I like myself, I'm grateful, but I do need more out of life and I'm ready. I feel like my heart is protected and armed now. I like how my sensitivity and strength work together. So whatever is next, I know it won't be the same junk I've put up with in the past and that's exciting.