I think my father is changing

I’m often villainizing my father and I have my reasons for doing so but I’m getting to the point where I can’t keep carrying this hate with me.

It’s starting to feel like a poison to my soul. It doesn’t feel like it’ll lead to catharsis. I used to tell myself that I’d only forgive him once he’s dead but I think im starting to get through to him.

I’ll admit my drunken behavior often lead to regret in the following mornings but when I’d tell him exactly what was on my mind while I was drunk, I think he finally started to understand how much he hurt me. I kept those feelings locked up for all these years and I think my mom showed him a text message that I had sent her where i expressed how much I hated my father when he’d hit my mom and throw his dinner plate at the wall when he didn’t like her cooking.

I told her this when I disappeared for a few nights. She kept saying how he wasn’t that bad. But she got real quiet when she realized I remembered everything. After all, if it really wasn’t that bad then she never would’ve divorced him.

I’m just tired of hating someone who is showing signs of change. I don’t want to hate my father anymore. But I also know I have to leave the nest. That’s why I got this job with tons of overtime available. I need to find myself.