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I think my father is changing

I’m often villainizing my father and I have my reasons for doing so but I’m getting to the point where I can’t keep carrying this hate with me.

It’s starting to feel like a poison to my soul. It doesn’t feel like it’ll lead to catharsis. I used to tell myself that I’d only forgive him once he’s dead but I think im starting to get through to him.

I’ll admit my drunken behavior often lead to regret in the following mornings but when I’d tell him exactly what was on my mind while I was drunk, I think he finally started to understand how much he hurt me. I kept those feelings locked up for all these years and I think my mom showed him a text message that I had sent her where i expressed how much I hated my father when he’d hit my mom and throw his dinner plate at the wall when he didn’t like her cooking.

I told her this when I disappeared for a few nights. She kept saying how he wasn’t that bad. But she got real quiet when she realized I remembered everything. After all, if it really wasn’t that bad then she never would’ve divorced him.

I’m just tired of hating someone who is showing signs of change. I don’t want to hate my father anymore. But I also know I have to leave the nest. That’s why I got this job with tons of overtime available. I need to find myself.
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You can still stop carrying all the anger and hate as well as moving out.

You don't have to stay living there regardless of if you are ready to forgive him or not. All children reach the point where they are ready to fly the nest and experience life on their own terms.

It just might mean that you'll have more pleasant experiences when you return home to visit your parents, that's all.
HermannFegelein · 26-30, M
@HootyTheNightOwl oh yeah, I’m definitely leaving soon. That’s the plan, and I know with this new job I’ll be able to. I’m ready and starting to stabilize mentally. I used to try getting sober but never addressing the trauma. This time I’m acknowledging the deeper roots too.
Dubbup · 36-40, MNew
It's not your drunken behaviour that led to regret. it's your drunken behaviour that's causing it all. Try not being a drunk, then ask the same questions try to say the same things come back and do this again, ask yourself do you think it would be the same?
HermannFegelein · 26-30, M
@Dubbup what do you mean?

I don’t regret telling my father what I told him while drunk.

Why? Because it was the truth. Reading just this post, you wouldn’t understand the situation I’m in with my father and our relationship.

That’s what I was trying to get at because if it had been any other conversation while drunk with some other person, I definitely would’ve regretted it.
HermannFegelein · 26-30, M
@Dubbup This isn’t a situation where chaos started once alcohol entered the picture. My father was no innocent angel and doesn’t drink at all. He has an ugly past that’s been ugly for several years before I ever took that first drink. I wasn’t some normie. I was mentally disturbed due to his behavior all my youth.

In fact me and my mom found my father’s temperament way better on the very few occasions that my dad did drink.

Which was about 2 times a year on average.

 
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