Let's pause for a post, to speak about my fears, I want to share that.
I am edgy, my life, my realities, my mind I guess. So I am worried about my upcoming trip to Bali now.
As much as I want to convince myself that those eras of scarcity are over, I know it is still alive within me, all these deep rooted beliefs, I see how I am finding myself without money often and again, and I am worried that in the middst of all this positive bundle, I am going to find myself "trapped" in the South East, in some cheap uncomfortable place, with little food, with little clarity as to what to do next.
I am changing and I am finding myself going backwards sometime. But the fear is there, I cannot pretend that it isn't, and it isn't only the fear, it is my beliefs and my actions that shape my reality.
Supposedly it is an exciting event for me, to go and work there but I am doubting that this is a step forward for me truly.
It rather feels like it is some other person's dream that I will have a taste, but which I cannot sustain. Like I cannot sustain that reality, and if I will live in presence, knowing how I truly am a person with a poor mentality, who is sooner than later going to find herself cold at some corner. Why am I like that, why do I carry these ideas.
If you look at me and my life you would think, ah that woman, she's got it together, she's doing so well, she's constantly creating, she is showing up... But then these days come, to alternate these bright and cheerful days of abundance, with fear, cold and hunger.
It looks almost impossible and yet it is the truth.
I am doing this and that and I am feeling that I am taking steps forward, then few more, then some more and the moment I feel I am getting it together it collapses. I have experienced it so many times over and over, and I am truly tired, to be getting up and continuing and then returning to that same scarcity experiences.
that is for tonight.
I am working to change these, but I wanted to take a moment to pause and to share.
As much as I want to convince myself that those eras of scarcity are over, I know it is still alive within me, all these deep rooted beliefs, I see how I am finding myself without money often and again, and I am worried that in the middst of all this positive bundle, I am going to find myself "trapped" in the South East, in some cheap uncomfortable place, with little food, with little clarity as to what to do next.
I am changing and I am finding myself going backwards sometime. But the fear is there, I cannot pretend that it isn't, and it isn't only the fear, it is my beliefs and my actions that shape my reality.
Supposedly it is an exciting event for me, to go and work there but I am doubting that this is a step forward for me truly.
It rather feels like it is some other person's dream that I will have a taste, but which I cannot sustain. Like I cannot sustain that reality, and if I will live in presence, knowing how I truly am a person with a poor mentality, who is sooner than later going to find herself cold at some corner. Why am I like that, why do I carry these ideas.
If you look at me and my life you would think, ah that woman, she's got it together, she's doing so well, she's constantly creating, she is showing up... But then these days come, to alternate these bright and cheerful days of abundance, with fear, cold and hunger.
It looks almost impossible and yet it is the truth.
I am doing this and that and I am feeling that I am taking steps forward, then few more, then some more and the moment I feel I am getting it together it collapses. I have experienced it so many times over and over, and I am truly tired, to be getting up and continuing and then returning to that same scarcity experiences.
that is for tonight.
I am working to change these, but I wanted to take a moment to pause and to share.
