Please give some advice or something? Any words would do, negative or good I’ll try to take it

I hate myself. I have this friend, these days I’ve been jealous of her new friends. I’ve always been introverted and shy so I don’t really have any friends but only 1 friend at class. This friend I’m feeling negative emotions with is from a different class. Unlike me, she is very extroverted. I’ve always been a person that is so possessive over my friends since I barely get one. And then I tried not to hang out with her anymore, I don’t know for what reasoning. Is it to get used to her not being with us anymore? Is it because to let her see I’m fine without her? We are part of the same group by the way. We are a group of from different schools, me and her share the same school but was often not able to share times. I feel like she’s slipping away and starting to hate me. I’ve always been insecure and I want that to stop about me. I wanna be a better person not just for my loved ones but for myself but we are poor so I can’t afford therapy. I understand everyone but my sick thoughts doesn't, I try to fight my thoughts but my mind sure know how to control me. I love all my friends while I both love and hate myself. I feel like everybody actually hates me and find me annoying and I know they do love me for me but I hate this… I just want to know how to fix it. I know I have to get better… I know I need to get better but I don’t know how. It’s even entangled with the fact that I might have ADHD or Depression, idk what I have but it’s difficult when I don’t know what to fix.

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JupiterDreams · 31-35

I mean this kindly: look into therapy to see what can be done to help you.

idkkkkkkk · 18-21, F

@JupiterDreams I’ll try to find some…!

GoFish ·

yeah my advice is stop hating and being jealous and resentful of your friend. just be happy for her and not selfish and clingy

may be easier said than done tho

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GoFish ·

@idkkkkkkk oh your parents didn't love you?

idkkkkkkk · 18-21, F

@GoFish they do but My mother always choose my little half siblings, my father is kinda not mentally stable like me who often says he wants to die as a child so I feel like I’m not worth staying for and being chosen. I feel like no one could ever actually love me since even my parents doesnt find anything worth it for me. I mean my father still raise me even if it’s hard and I know he loves me but I know he resent me a little because I’m part of my mother’s family to which most of them betrayed him.

GoFish ·

@idkkkkkkk oh sorry that's no fun so you just have ongoing anxiety over not being wanted?

itsok · 31-35, F

Check to see if your school offers counseling or social work programs. I’m not sure where you’re from, but there are also sliding-scale therapists. If you’re insured at all, you can reach out to your insurance to see what they do cover and they can help you find a list of specialists.
If you’re in the US, look on 211.org.

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idkkkkkkk · 18-21, F

@jshm2 I understand actually. My thoughts do not. I always tell myself ‘she has her own life, let her be happy and be glad’ to which I really am glad. But the more she gets closer to them, the more far away she feels. I’m trying to erase negative emotions though but they get too intense it messes my mind, I want it gone. I want this things from my head gone. I always tell myself that I should stop being a selfish prick. When I thought the negative thoughts are gone they resurface worser than before. To the point it makes me feel like throwing up. I wish her well, I wish everyone of my little friends well but my thoughts do not and I hate my thoughts for that.

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