I Am Battling Self Harm

What is it when you’re too much of a coward to kill yourself or to hurt yourself? You’re left with a big gaping hole in your heart and a negative energy pumping through you. You can feel it throbbing underneath. There’s a spot near your heart that goes warm and then normal and then warm for another second and then normal and then your numb. Your so tired of everything so tired of feeling, feeling hopeless, feeling like shit. No one is ever there for you, you have to go it alone like always. No money for therapy no support from friends or family and your stuck in the road, like a rat in a glue trap. Left to fend for yourself while you suffocate. Until you just give up and die. You sit there and you feel like shit. You feel like so much shit you just become numb. Cause what else can you do to express the never ending intense wave of countless emotions? The anger, the sadness, the hurt. There is no outlet. They barely work or they don’t work at all. Your brain starts to feel fuzzy and your head starts to throb, you lose sight of what you’re thinking about and what you’re gonna say. You can’t even open your mouth to get words out ‘cause the pain in your chest gets in the way. Your body becomes tense. No one hears you at night. And so you sit there. Wanting to cry but you’ve trained yourself so many times to stop crying on command out of fear that someone might see you. And you can’t even express yourself with tears. So you just sit there. Waiting. Waiting for the feeling to pass. You sit there numb. Stuck. Unable to move. Dealing with a consequence of life. Alone. You’re just alone. That’s all you ever been, all you ever known.