I always try to be the positive one... but the drawback is not nice.
I'm always the kind of person who would like to be the positive, the cheerful and the encouraging.
In general, it is a good thing to the people around me and sometimes even to myself, as it is very rewarding to see people's expression light up at something I say or do.
They say I see the best in them, and I can't really disagree with that. I firmly believe that every single person has a beautiful core that needs to shine... and I treat them accordingly.
The downside of this is that I cannot accept it when I'm feeling depressed. (I've had 3 episodes of depression the past 04 years -as part of my recently diagnosed BD II-, and in every single one of them, I withdrew from people. Ashamed of how I've become. I didn't even acknowledge I had depression or see a doctor even though I had all the symptoms).
A friend once told me when I was at my lowest point (before the diagnosis) : "You're still radiating beautiful energy and encouraging to me even though you may feel down." and then the bus came and we separated ways. I cried tears of happiness the whole way home. (It was my first time crying in public and in public transportation no less...) I couldn't understand why, but now I think that I felt accepted even though I couldn't accept myself.
Even now, when I'm feeling more neutral in general, I can hardly say I'm feeling down. (stressed or tired, maybe...) but sad, depressed? that would be so hard to admit. In those moments I would crave someone to understand, someone to talk to, but I won't be able to talk. Even to the people I trust.
I think once it's ingrained within you that it is bad to show sad emotions, it is really hard to get over it. The shame lingers, no matter how much you believe it is okay to feel so and it is okay to ask for help.
I had a friend who had depression and to whom I've told repeatedly during that whole period : "Tell me everything that goes inside your mind... never let any thought fester. You can trust me..." and she did. And it was helpful.
I wish I had someone like that... I wish I have someone like this and I wish I could be this sympathizing with myself.
In general, it is a good thing to the people around me and sometimes even to myself, as it is very rewarding to see people's expression light up at something I say or do.
They say I see the best in them, and I can't really disagree with that. I firmly believe that every single person has a beautiful core that needs to shine... and I treat them accordingly.
The downside of this is that I cannot accept it when I'm feeling depressed. (I've had 3 episodes of depression the past 04 years -as part of my recently diagnosed BD II-, and in every single one of them, I withdrew from people. Ashamed of how I've become. I didn't even acknowledge I had depression or see a doctor even though I had all the symptoms).
A friend once told me when I was at my lowest point (before the diagnosis) : "You're still radiating beautiful energy and encouraging to me even though you may feel down." and then the bus came and we separated ways. I cried tears of happiness the whole way home. (It was my first time crying in public and in public transportation no less...) I couldn't understand why, but now I think that I felt accepted even though I couldn't accept myself.
Even now, when I'm feeling more neutral in general, I can hardly say I'm feeling down. (stressed or tired, maybe...) but sad, depressed? that would be so hard to admit. In those moments I would crave someone to understand, someone to talk to, but I won't be able to talk. Even to the people I trust.
I think once it's ingrained within you that it is bad to show sad emotions, it is really hard to get over it. The shame lingers, no matter how much you believe it is okay to feel so and it is okay to ask for help.
I had a friend who had depression and to whom I've told repeatedly during that whole period : "Tell me everything that goes inside your mind... never let any thought fester. You can trust me..." and she did. And it was helpful.
I wish I had someone like that... I wish I have someone like this and I wish I could be this sympathizing with myself.
26-30, F
