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Affection Is....

This is one of my big issues, to be honest. It keeps me awake at night.

The whole world of giving and receiving affection.

Mum was affectionate. Giving me hugs and things. I loved that. Still do, actually. Yet I always felt that mum had her favourite and that I wasn't it. This, I believe, is known as 'middle child syndrome'. Ok, yes. I get that. Painfully, I get that.

Dad? Loves us all. He never once, and still doesn't, come across as having a favourite. Going out of his way to show us, equally, that affection. Again, more hugs. I love that.

From my siblings? Yes, we were pretty tight. Like the Von Trapp family, someone used to call us (was that from 'Chitty Chitty Bang Bang' or 'The Sound Of Music', I can't quite remember...) and, although we have had our fallings out over the years, we get on - in the main - ok.

With, however, being flung into prostitution from such an early age, and subsequently sex, I have a real difficulty in knowing what constitutes solid affection and what constitutes lust and sex. What is a friendship. What is a relationship. What differs from a financial transaction.

I've never been on a date, never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend for that matter, just around 16 sexual situations with men and women a day, 5 days a week. I just do the act of sex rather than have affection of that kind. It desensitises me. Almost makes me narrow minded and oblivious to the great big world out there.

Does that make sense?

Mum has my dad. My big sister Miya has April. My friend Rob has Yasmin. Sarah has Adrian. What do I have? And, do I need anyone? I really don't know.

gfantasy56-60, M
Well, don't rush things... The last thing you need is becoming attached to someone just so you can say/feel you have "someone special" in your life. Relationships are a pain... all the misunderstandings, the unrealistic expectations, the compromising... It's hard making it work and no wonder breakups and divorces are so prevalent... You only want to get into a relationship if you really, really like someone, if there's trust... One way to tell is whether AFTER the sex, you still crave cuddling together and chatting for hours... Also, thinking about someone constantly, when they're not there, is a giveaway you're "developing feelings" for that person, beyond sex and beyond friendship
JasminD22-25, FVIP
@gfantasy That males some sense, I think. Thank you.

You said it so eloquently, the Von Trapp family seems to be the perfect example of what I strived to become. Unfortunately, there is no Julie Andrews to sing with us. Yet, there was quite a tight family dynamic.

Needing someone and finding them takes time, Rome wasn't built in a day. I am finding that true for myself
JasminD22-25, FVIP
@SW-User Thank you for those words...馃馃徑
ap19951-55, M
Reading this makes me want feel love again. Something I haven鈥檛 felt in many years. I can assure you, you know when you feel it. It will happen without sex, without money. Just a warm feeling of happiness. If you think you found someone you could love, hold off on sex, keep it simple and see what happens :) I hope you feel this soon. I hope I do someday again too!
JasminD22-25, FVIP
@ap199 Ahhh, thank you. I hope so too. I hope you do too. 馃馃徑
Raaii18-21, F
Everything will get better 馃檱鈥嶁檧锔忦煓団嶁檧锔
JasminD22-25, FVIP
@Raaii I do hope so.
Guardian56-60, M
No, you DON'T NEED anyone, but its nice to have a friend, Friend!
Guardian56-60, M
@JasminD those come with time and experience. For me, from best friends. Cuz shouldn't a lover be your your best friend?
JasminD22-25, FVIP
@Guardian I guess. But, like I said, I'm not sure where or what I'm suppose to think/feel. If I'm oblivious to everything. Or not.
Guardian56-60, M
@JasminD DON'T try to force your feelings. There is NO right or wrong feelings. Let yourself settle and be comfortable with your feelings. Embrace yourself. Be gentle with yourself. In time, you will make your OWN choices that you feel are right for YOU! Someone YOU like!
Spectre12851-55, M
A good relationship should be unconditional, it shouldn't be a transaction. You'll know it when you experience it.
JasminD22-25, FVIP
@Spectre128 This is true. Thank you. 馃馃徑
Don't worry about it too much and let yourself figure it out on your own terms.

Communication is also huge. Even in so called "vanilla" relationship dynamics that don't involve sex work most people suck at communicating.

Communication takes alot of the guess work out of things.

Also don't worry about "doing it wrong" because your way doesn't fit some pop culture idea of how relationships should work.

Most of what is out there is definitely not healthy to begin with and not something to emulate either.
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ProstituteAmy26-30, F
You need someone
HotPizza7151-55, M
Would it be possible to take a slight step back,for instance,only do part time at work (16 a day is Alot,even half that is plenty).so you could spend more time out this inherent family trade,and breathe life outside of the inner circle.
It's possible to meet people away from there,by not surrounding yourself by it all 24/7..
There must be a Way..馃馃槝
JasminD22-25, FVIP
@HotPizza71 I do meet people outside of the work environment, but us hookers do tend to stick together. I'll admit to being a bit wary of the secular world.

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