Affection Is....

This is one of my big issues, to be honest. It keeps me awake at night.

The whole world of giving and receiving affection.

Mum was affectionate. Giving me hugs and things. I loved that. Still do, actually. Yet I always felt that mum had her favourite and that I wasn't it. This, I believe, is known as 'middle child syndrome'. Ok, yes. I get that. Painfully, I get that.

Dad? Loves us all. He never once, and still doesn't, come across as having a favourite. Going out of his way to show us, equally, that affection. Again, more hugs. I love that.

From my siblings? Yes, we were pretty tight. Like the Von Trapp family, someone used to call us (was that from 'Chitty Chitty Bang Bang' or 'The Sound Of Music', I can't quite remember...) and, although we have had our fallings out over the years, we get on - in the main - ok.

With, however, being flung into prostitution from such an early age, and subsequently sex, I have a real difficulty in knowing what constitutes solid affection and what constitutes lust and sex. What is a friendship. What is a relationship. What differs from a financial transaction.

I've never been on a date, never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend for that matter, just around 16 sexual situations with men and women a day, 5 days a week. I just do the act of sex rather than have affection of that kind. It desensitises me. Almost makes me narrow minded and oblivious to the great big world out there.

Does that make sense?

Mum has my dad. My big sister Miya has April. My friend Rob has Yasmin. Sarah has Adrian. What do I have? And, do I need anyone? I really don't know.

🫶🏽