I'd been caught in a trap of expecting my clinically depressed wife to try to get better about her lethargy. Sounds silly when I say it so simply.
I was justified to complain but what drove it home was my daughter explaining that her mother(like my even MORE depressed daughter) hated herself and when I berated her, she loathed herself. It was "piling on". An unfair fight.
Still she doesn't change.
So...I keep complaining? Beating up on her when it won't help and just hurts the wife?
I gave it up and have been working at even silencing the complaints. I clean the house, do the laundry and we're eating out for almost every meal and I have just two choices about what to do about this:
Criticize, or accept.
I've spent a decade criticizing fruitlessly and acceptance makes both of us happier.
It's grossly unfair to me to have to accept heavy burdens with precious little acknowledgement, but the other option doesn't change anything and my wife's sadness just adds to the burdens.
If your husband has complained about teh same "flaws" incessantly and you haven't changed and are certain you never will. Perhaps that's a choice he's got to face.
Accept. Or Criticize.
If criticism won't work, why keep doing it? It makes you sad, it makes him angry and in those states of mind, you won't be much thinking about the little ways you might be able to improve your collective lot.
PS for the ladies thinking I'm only doing my fair share? The wife has a part time job. We decided she should get the part time job in order to be with the kids and do all the crap I'm stuck doing. The kids are 17 and 19, pretty self-reliant, and there ain't four hours of housework to do every day. Not even close. Even if the sanctimonious supermoms out there were right, they miss the point. Complaining in the face of a partner who won't change causes stress and wastes time. Accept, permanently forgive and decide what to do from there.
