Have you ever done that ? To have sex again like it is your first time ?

@ekwalizur yes exactly there are so many things, aren't there? But sex is a fundamental one

@Boeing right, but is the fact that you went all the way what's important? That's not a rhetorical question. Maybe it is for you.

@ekwalizur explain what you mean better, I want to understand it..

@Boeing I mean there are different dimensions to it all. Is it because of who it was? Your sister's (ex)bf? Is it because he was only interested in you for 1 thing? Then there's the question of what difference it would have made if you had done less? Oral? Heavy petting? Kissing? Is it how outsiders looked at you? Pregnancy? Etc?

@ekwalizur it is that I wasn't much aware and staying present in my body. I think I was disassociating lots. Didn't respect my rhythms, then freezing but ignoring it.

@Boeing now I'm the one who doesn't understand. It sounds like it touches on spirituality

@ekwalizur I tried to understand your writings, I read them few times each message.
Definitely, nowadays I know sex is a spiritual experience.
But what I say, is also somewhat common, despite how not nice. Read a bit about disassociation, you'll understand a bit more

@Boeing when I google it the first hits I get are psychiatry. Am I on the right track?