Do good men exists?

Most of my experiences with men were bad. Most men seem egoistic type who come in my life who tend to abuse, betray , put me down or be emotionally unavailable. Do any other women have, good experiences with men who treat them good? Sometimes all my experiences make me question the existance of good men, sometimes i feel are all men pretending and men only want to suppress, feel superior, control or use women.

Maybe i am bad at judging men or choosing men who are bad and good. Idk what i am doing wrong

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twiigss · M

There was this girl that I liked at Walmart when I still worked there years ago. Apparently this girl was with a guy, they were just girlfriend boyfriend, not married or anything like that, not engaged etc.

Well this girl's friend found out that I liked her, apparently they talked, and the girls friend had worked with me for a few months. Supposedly, the girl I liked was in an abusive relationship, and her friend was trying to help her get out of it. So I believe the girl I liked and her boyfriend were in the middle of breaking up or something like that.

So anyway, the girl's friend was seeing a guy and she was basically like well how about we go on a double date, so the girl I liked and her friend and her friends boyfriend and I, she goes how about we meet at this diner at 2am? Said sure okay no problem.

So we're out at this diner, you know I'm being my usual laid-back, caring, easy going guy sitting next to this girl you know being all super nice with her and everything like that and then all of a sudden her friend is like well I got to go powder my nose or whatever she said I don't remember it was a very long time ago. Well they come back and the girl I like is acting completely different.

So the next time I went into Walmart for my shift I saw the girl's friend, and I said what happened did I do something wrong? And her friend goes, you didn't hit or yell at her, you're just too nice of a guy to be with is what she said. And I'm like what??? How is that even a thing? Too nice of a guy??

So yeah, nice guys do finish last and have no chance of being in that perfect relationship. The last thing I would ever do is hit a woman or yell at her. It's just not me and not who I am.

sahi81 · 22-25, F

@twiigss maybe u r struggling with "nice guy syndrome" check google what is that and try to overcome it. U can't blame others, if u want a girl, u need to be open to take criticism, criticism are blessings that help to improve oneself

twiigss · M

@sahi81 wow

sahi81 · 22-25, F

@twiigss sry iif i was blunt. But i think u need to figure out why girls don't want nice guys and overcome those qualities. I too have been struggled with fitting into the role of "good girl" but no one used to like me even when i was good. Now i am trying to be more authentic

twiigss · M

@sahi81 The problem isn't because I'm "too nice" or because you are a "good girl". The problem is with the other people. I'm at this point in my life where I don't really much care what anyone thinks about me, because the only thing that matters is what I think of me, and what I do and how I succeed in life.

Just be you. If you are a good hearted and kind and caring person, continue to be that good hearted and kind and caring person. Don't let others tell you that you should dress a certain way, or that you should act a certain way, because then you let others run your life, and only you can be in charge of you, no one else.

It's not that girls don't want nice guys, it's because they want a "bad boy" at the same time they want their "prince charming" to come along to be in the most glorious relationship. Most times that "bad boy" that they thought would be so great is abusive, and most will stay in that relationship knowing they could have had better. In my case with the girl I liked at walmart, it's the perfect example.

One minute she wants out of the relationship and wants to be with a guy who will be nice and kind, when she's given that opportunity, she doesn't feel like she deserves someone nice and kind, because she's been in this abusive relationship for so long that, that's what she's used to. It's conditioning, and there's not a nice guy who would have been able to date her because she was used to the abuse and actually accepted it. It's a shame. And there's so many out there who say how they want their prince charming to come along. Prince charming is here, and they all look the other way. Or some just have profiles that are very toxic. I don't just blindly jump into something anymore. If something feels off, or doesn't feel right, I won't go near it. And there is so much of that on these dating sites.

As for me figuring out why girls don't want nice guys, it's more of, why do girls say they want a nice guy and when nice guy shows up he's not even worth it? And again it comes down to the girl. The guy can stand there with his arms open, his mind open, but if she only has one way thinking, then nothing will work out and she'll have to settle.

sahi81 · 22-25, F

@twiigss "good girl" doesn't mean "truly/ genuinely" good.... it was like i was trying to fit-in and wanted people to accept me. I lost my true-self in that process, people ended up not liking me or even using me. I think it came from fear of not being liked. Idk what is "nice" according to u, if it's genuinely nice, nothing wrong with it.

I heard that women who r attracted or get into toxic relationships have gone through trauma or had toxic parents. Could be that's why she did that. She needs to get some therapy or online course of how to stop it. I think over-critical parents might mess up a child's belief of deserving love.

Personally, i am really scared of dating again bcuz i went through toxic relationships and friendships in a row. I am just not able to be positive about entering a good relationship next time despiting knowing lot about toxic relationships, i feel good men might not like me or might leave me even if they won't abuse me.

Idk about healthy relationships, i feel they don't exists sometimes.... i am trying to get to know about them and how to attract good men instead toxic ones.

twiigss · M

@sahi81 That is me, genuinely nice. Kind, caring, honest, laid back, easy going etc. Yes I meant it as "good girl" genuinely a good hearted person. I've never been in a toxic relationship before, so I can't really give an opinion or a thought about it.

But what I will say is that from the experiences I've had in my life, toxic people aren't included in it. And so you've been in toxic relationships and toxic friendships in a row, you don't want to look at it like, well that's the only thing out there. Or like, you don't want to look at relationships as a whole, as the next thing is another toxic relationship. It's all in who you find and decide to talk to. And you don't want to jump into something right away, or as an example, just because the guy who is 6' 4" tall with 24 pack abs looks good, doesn't mean he's the one to be with.

I know someone who was in a marriage that was, for the most part okay. Because of the wife's mom, it caused the two people to get a divorce. The mom was trying to break them up, why I have no idea, the lady is crazy. The wife and mom were both toxic people, but the mom was on the extremely toxic side. Anyway this person thought that because the girl he ended up marrying to, looked really good, that she was the one for him. They are now with someone else who isn't a perfect 10, but they are both happy and he's got a kid with the new girl. So things are good for him and her.

I've also found in my life's experiences, that you want someone who is a truthful and honest person. To me, those are very important traits a potential partner should have. Not looks. Looks come second. If you jump in relationships solely based on looks, you will probably be disappointed. The other thing is, you gotta get to know each other. And I'm not talking 3 weeks, or 2 months. What I'm saying is, you both take the time to really understand each other, and if it takes a year to really be comfortable with each other or to get to know one another, it takes a year. I think that everyday is a learning experience in life, we never stop learning.

It's good you are learning about healthy relationships and good men, because we do exist.

sahi81 · 22-25, F

@twiigss I tried that, i tried to know men who i am not that attarcted to too perosnality wise, even looks wise. But they also turned out bad. Even guys i put in friendzone, they also. Only one was little nice but he was emotionally unavialable and not just emotionally , in many ways he was not that available,He sometimes didn't treat me good.

I think i tried all ways.

And that's why i am here asking for advices and others perspectives in this website. I got many good advices and prespectives which i am grateful for and wish i can be more hopeful about my future partner when i try to start dating again.

twiigss · M

@sahi81 I think as you have said, learning to love yourself more is definitely the most important thing. Well, hopefully you can meet the right guys who will treat you good, because in my book, you treat a woman with respect, and you do nice things for her and etc. A man always opens the door for the woman, he always pulls her seat out at the restaurant so she can sit and she sits down first. I'm the type of guy who would do little love notes all over the place, different kinds of surprises, and things like that. I'm also a listener. I hate confrontation so if I'm in a relationship and there's a problem, something you think I did wrong, then let's talk it out and I'll try to do better/try not to do the same mistake again. Toxicity doesn't resonate with me, only caring, kindness and loving.

But for sure, meeting new people can definitely be a lot. Even for me. I wish you well.

sahi81 · 22-25, F

@twiigss i think treating women as valued is good. I think good communication and ability to deal with fights without lashing out is important for relationships. It's ok to have disagreements but how it's resolved later is what matters. i heard many relationships end just bcuz there were misunderstandings, no good communication or no communication at all. I heard conflict is healthy but also resolving it in healthy way.

Thx, i hope u too find a good woman who treats u equally good as u treat her.

i personally like men who make me feel secure, valued and independent, not make me feel insecure or dependent on them emotionally, financially, physically, etc. . I like being independent and i want man who only uplifts me and want to see me indepedent and strong but also be there for me when things don't go well. I felt so bad and ungrateful when i was with toxic men and felt like why i have to be dependent on such people. I realised if i want love from good people who treats me well, i need to be indepedent in all ways so i will only accept love from good ones, not whom i don't like and don't even treat me good and then call me ungrateful.