When a man gets to a certain age do they try to run away from their age?

I had a thought about this recently, well simply I've found that my grandparents seem more alive when they're surrounded by people, especially younger people.

It's like they draw their energy and motivation to keep going from the grandchildren etc.

And I wondered if that's what happens in relationships when people reach middle age.

If your partner starts to show signs of age via ailments does a switch go off inside your head that makes you think "that shits contagious" or something?

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dancingtongue · 80-89, M

That's a complex issue with multiple answers.

1. Yes, both genders reach a point where their own ailments, or their partner's ailments, or both, make you pause and take stock. But how they deal with it will vary. There are those -- of both genders as bijousbroussard points out -- who will have mid-age crises and try to run away from it. Others will go into denial and try to keep on truckin' in the same way. Others will find ways to adapt. Still others will age beyond their years very quickly by just giving up.

2. Keeping the old man/woman out of your mindset is critical, and being around younger people is a major key to doing that. Grandkids frequently are the most convenient avenue for that, as with your grandparents. That helps with the energy and motivation, but they also need younger adults about to keep their minds stimulated with current events rather than dwelling entirely on the old days. The multi-generational homes and neighborhoods of yore were very good for that until the suburbination of society began separating us into little pockets of similar age neighborhoods.

3. Which brings us to the "adult retirement communities" for those 55 and older. On the plus side, they do promote social and physical interaction appropriate to similar age and health status. The big downside, IMHO, is that it isolates them from younger people and it becomes harder to keep the old man/woman out of your mind because conversations constantly drift to the good old days and there are no young adults forcing them to confront today's reality.

Mellowgirl · 31-35, F

@dancingtongue thank you for this response I really appreciate that. But I still don't feel you quote touched on the mid age crisis. As a man of a particular age did you get the mid age itch?

dancingtongue · 80-89, M

@Mellowgirl My late wife probably would tell you yes because I got involved with online x-rated chat rooms that she was not thrilled about. But I didn't buy a sports car, start chasing young women in real life, or start some bizarre exercise regimen to ward off aging. I remained a faithful family man and made realistic lifestyle adaptations.

Mellowgirl · 31-35, F

@dancingtongue that's interesting.
Were you otherwise satisfied with your relationship with your wife?
Can you remember why you entered those chat rooms? If it's too personal you don't have to say...

My ex of 10 years started bullying me and trying to push me into having a 3some. It was a build up really. He had basically held me hostage for a long time refusing to really commit to me because I refused to do exactly as he wished.
He was nasty and with hindsight no good for my confidence.

I'm glad I'm free of him, although I'm not quite 100% I'm slowing building myself back up again.

dancingtongue · 80-89, M

@Mellowgirl We were soul mates, married for 43 years and friends for more than 50 years. We agreed on practically everything; supported and complemented one another on everything. But i was far less inhibited sexually than she was; also had significantly less sexual experience when we were married. We had a good sex life; no real complaints, and she tried a lot of things with me that initially were beyond her experience and comfort zone. Involving others in our sex life, through 3-somes, swinging, whatever was a no-go for her. Unlike your ex, I only believe in consensual sex so I didn't badger her. No means no. So to answer your question, the cyber chatrooms were an opportunity for me to explore some of my fantasies. But I did it with her knowledge -- no sneaking behind her back -- and I made it clear with all online contacts that this was for fantasy only, not searching for real life sex.

Mellowgirl · 31-35, F

@dancingtongue I think that's a really sweet relationship to have and it sounds like a dream.

I don't see any issue at all. Not really a mid life crisis.
Almost like a hobby if anything.

I was pretty clear with him that if there were things he wanted to do sexually he needed to do them without me. Just be safe.
The issue I had I'd that he's controlling and I always felt like it was a trick. Like if I agreed he'd happily participate only to call me dirty and use it as a reason to not commit later on down the line.
I think if things were different between us I may have tried things.
I've always been interested in polyandry etc.
But the slight suggestion of it he blew up...
So the sudden change was confusing especially when he kept switching between exclusivity and a casual relationship.
He was really confused and I think going through something.
Maybe his last hoorah before maybe committing to someone else.

Who knows but I was fed up with his bull...
It was headache.

Too many rules and secrecy.

I think what you had with your wife was respect.

There are very few men that I meet these days that show women respect.

Being a woman of colour, there are so many assumptions and expectations sexually. And when I don't live up to that I'm disrespected further.
I feel like life is soo fast these days that everyone is in a rush to experience everything and anything before they burn out.

dancingtongue · 80-89, M

@Mellowgirl

Like if I agreed he'd happily participate only to call me dirty and use it as a reason to not commit later on down the line.

This was the #2 reason my late wife gave for not being willing to involve others. #1 reason was that it would be used as justification for being to chase other women. (Actually, they probably were #3 and #2. #1 reason was she never was able to get the nuns' teachings out of her head.)

Unfortunately, your ex is fairly typical of immature men who want their jollies but can't accept what is good for the gander should be good for the goose as well. When my current partner and I discussed our fantasies, she admitted that she always had fantasized about MMF 3sums but had never trusted her partners for the same two reasons above. She said she trusted me enough, so we had a few. While she enjoyed them, and I never threw it up to her or used it as an excuse to bed other women, she couldn't shake some guilt feelings about actually doing it. So we stopped. You're right: it's all about mutual respect.

Mellowgirl · 31-35, F

@dancingtongue

dancingtongue · 80-89, M

@Mellowgirl Requires constant work. One of the little tricks my wife and I used was we considered ourselves roommates; that we were never legally married. (We eloped, and the Justice of the Peace's staff, who were supposedly the witnesses, had left for lunch before the ceremony actually occurred.) You work harder at keeping roommates. None of that "ownership" BS that tends to come with the marriage certificate.