God Admits He No Longer Loves Humanity But Is Too Afraid To Leave

THE HEAVENS—Admitting He felt torn between His true feelings and His fear of the unknown, the Lord God Almighty announced Monday that He no longer loved humanity but was too afraid to leave. “Any affection I ever had for the human race is long gone, but I’m just terrified at the thought of walking away and being alone,” said Our Heavenly Father, adding while He has felt “stuck” for millennia in the company of the species He adored long ago, He still worries He would have no real identity without them and starting over at His age was terrifying. “Sometimes I imagine myself ending it, striking out on my own, and discovering who I really am as God. But then reality comes crashing down. I’ve been with humanity since the sixth day of creation. What am I supposed to do, start over with bonobos?” At press time, The Almighty acknowledged that He would face little resistance if He left, as humanity has also been growing increasingly distant for some time now.

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