Belifes and some thought

When I remember my life before losing my faith, it was soooooooo much more simple. I didn't have any existential crisis. I could relate to my family and everyone around me. I didn't have identity crisis. My perception of right and wrong matched what I have been taught, so I didn't struggle much. Losing faith is much easier when you have been raised in a secular society, it doesn't shake you as hard as it does, when you were brought up in a conservative society, with strong family connection, and when religion is still pretty much dominant and respected everywhere.

My life changed and it will never go back the same, until I die. Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it. I mean, yea there are many bad things in religion, but then, I was one of the good ones, who believed in it all, but would never act on it, or even knew of it much. I mean, whenever people said my religion was a violent one, I didn't even believe it, let alone act on it. So whether I believed or not, I did not make much of a difference in the world.. but believing or not, did make a huge difference in my life.. it brought me so much anxiety and huge identity struggles and fears.. it destroyed my relationships and it made my life soooo freaking complicated...

Sometimes I wish I'd go back just one day when life was simple and everything was figured out for me.

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Miram · 31-35, F

I can relate to some of it. Though I graduated from a religious institution, I cannot say I had the faith.

I didn't believe in Islam, I just didn't talk about my lack of faith till around 15 years old.

And that was the part which severed many of my relationships, talking.

I didn't have typical upbringing, extremists, war, crazy parents..so I was already very detached from connecting to people in deeper level or counting on them in any way. When such relations were sabotaged I didn't care.

The part that I struggle with most is how I much I care to help other people, how much I give knowing that it does jeopardize what is best for me long term, and knowing they'd never make sacrifices for a kafir like me. It is not easy.

When you're powerful though, secured position, secured wealth..they tend to treat you different because they need you. Muslims or not. People in general are that pity and agenda driven.

I had existential depression since my sister's death.

I often feel male ex-muslims probably have it worse than I do.

BittersweetPotato · 31-35, F

@Miram I am sorry your upbringing was difficult, but it probably made you stronger! I can sooooo relate to helping others... omg i've been caught up in this for so long and I still am... I sacrifice a lot for others, I restricted my own freedom and compromised for long, for them...

I wouldn't say i am powerful, but being financially independent completely protected me!! I am the one often needed and it is never the other way round.. that protected me, I imagine if I needed them financially I would have been called out on many things and I would have had it worse in terms of freedom...

I am going through existential crisis ever since my mum died now... Its been such an emotional period for me through her sickness and after her death..

I find it a bit weird that you think male ex muslims ahve it worse.. I always thought they have soooo much easier than females! Why do you think that?

Miram · 31-35, F

@BittersweetPotato They wouldn't really help an ex-muslim.

I feel that way because though they look down on our intellect for being women, belittle our stances as , you know, feelings..they tend to treat men who leave islam with more aggression because they think they are more of threat.

From my experience, most ex muslim women tend to be still submissive because of the culture. They soften the blow by their nature.

Even though it's patriarchy religion, men are still more disposable than women.

Probably why there are more men who are exmuslims than women in jail. They are taken as more of a threat

Miram · 31-35, F

@BittersweetPotato i wish they add the option to heart avatars. Yours is so so so so adorable

BittersweetPotato · 31-35, F

@Miram Ok I never viewed the male/female thing from this angle. before. Because I never disclosed my true beliefs etc. I always thought males have much easier if they were going to hide it.. because they have so much more freedom and so can do more with their lives with being called out on it or questioned.. whereas for females, probably you will have to lie a lot more.. But I get your point. I think bottom line is that it sucks very much for both.

BittersweetPotato · 31-35, F

Even with the big nose!! 🥺🥔 Then it is settled, you will adopt potato 🥔🥺❤️🥴🤗