Do I Deserve? And What?

And therein lies the trick, doesn’t it?
“A heart more expansive than before.”

I had a friend of mine say to me today in relation to my better feelings, “You deserve it.”

A tiny little sentence that poses good thoughts and wishes of well. Though to me it strikes like a flash of lightning.
Me being me and always in question of my true worth, it hits the mind like a rock through a glass window.

For who am I to assume what I deserve?
Who am I to think that I deserve anything more than some common courtesy?
And even then, am I sure I deserve even that much?

While I have no trouble at all believing that almost every other person on this planet deserves at least common courtesy, I find it hard to believe that I myself have any reasonable reason to expect that much.

I do consider myself to be a good person. Yet when I look back into the near and distant past, I’m hardly ever satisfied by what I survey. I find it hard given all my current realities to spend even seconds pondering the thoughts that say I may deserve anything good at all.

I would love to be loved and love to be loving someone.
But does that mean to say that I deserve love?
I hardly think that I might.
I would love to have friends that I can trust and know that I am safe to speak my truths to them without fear.
Though I can see clearly that I don’t and therefore probably don’t deserve that either?

There are millions of wonderful things inside the world and sometimes I’ll spend time thinking if I deserve any of it.

I’m pretty sure that if I did, those things would be part of my life right now. But they’re not and absent all my wishes otherwise, that seems to point in the direction that I do not in fact, deserve them…

I stand inside my pain and I process it.
I heal slowly, but I do heal.
Deserving however is a different thing altogether, and I’m fairly certain that I don’t deserve all that much.