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How can I get the woman of my dreams to kiss me on the forehead and tell me I'm a great guy and walk away and never sleep with me?

I've visited every multiverse I have found and in every timeline we hook up, this can't be my future
I've visited every multiverse

No, and doesn't make sense, but you have postulated a tautology:

in every timeline we hook up, this can't be my future

where "this" is

get[ting] the woman of my dreams to kiss me on the forehead and tell me I'm a great guy and walk away and never sleep with me

If you hook up, by definition she slept with you.

 
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