Warning Stupid rant: Lots of people say they'd rather go BACK to a certain time in their life or childhood because things were easier.

But when I rewind life in my mind thinking of what time I'd rather go back to, there's nowhere safe enough to hide. It's all so horrible. Now, at almost 30 years of age, I'm realizing how mentally fcked up I was since the very beginning because I never experienced anything normal.
Well, maybe I could hide underneath the pre-school tables. It's the only normal part of my life I can remember. I was actually developing social skills. Watching and learning. Being able to talk to people. Forgetting their names and faces the next day, but being able to talk to new people every day, and fitting in.
It's not my fault. None of it is. I could have been a different person. I could have been this and that, and everything in between. I did not destroy me. I just see a little girl growing up clueless trying to hang on to anything she could find to stay afloat, looking for love and acceptance in different places when she couldn't find them at home, to stay alive. She made mistakes but she did her best.
She could have been so much better.