I Want a Girlfriend

Some Days More Than Others......
Being single is great. You have no one to answer to but you, you're completely independent, and you can do what you want, when you want, and not really have to worry about someone else's feelings or what someone else thinks. Now that I write that, that sounds incredibly selfish. But the independence is the key thing, selfishness notwithstanding.
It's just, some days, I get lonely. I feel empty. I see other couples walking around, holding hands, kissing, constant smiles on their faces. It sickens me. Not in a bad way, it's just because I'm bitter. Because it's coming up on 3 years since I've had a girlfriend in the true sense of the word. I've come close, gone on dates, but things just never seemed to work out. Three long, lonely years.
It's not like I'm not happy with my life though. I have great, great friends, both guys and girls. I'm studying things I'm really interested in, and I'm out on my own for the first time in my life. I've really never been happier with my life than these years in college. And yet, I miss that connection.
That connection that only comes through having a relationship. I feel that no matter what I do, what I accomplish... it means nothing if I can't share it with someone I'm that close with, that connected to.
I want to have someone to talk to, about anything and everything. Someone to go out with on weekends, to do things I wouldn't normally do with my friends. Someone to challenge me and support me. I want to have someone to look good for. To be my very best for. Someone to just hold when I've had a crappy day, someone to go to share everything when I've had a great day. I miss the holding hands, the kissing, the things that so sicken me when I'm on the outside looking in at what I can't have. I want to stop pretending that it doesn't bother me that I have no one on Valentine's Day, even if it is a fake holiday pushed by card companies. I want that connection. With anyone, with every girl I see walking by, with every girl that talks to me, it's at the forefront of my mind more and more these days.
From Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (great movie, by the way): "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see that shows me the least bit of attention?" I don't mean this completely literally, I don't fall in love with everyone, I just see every girl as an opportunity I'm not taking, especially when they show that kind of attention to me, which really doesn't happen that often.
In just about 2 months, I'll have been alone for 3 years, and have never been in love. Tennyson definitely got it right:
"I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."

This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »

justbewhoyouare

Dear friend, you wrote, "...That connection that only comes through having a relationship. I feel that no matter what I do, what I accomplish... it means nothing if I can't share it with someone I'm that close with, that connected to..." I know this is going to challenge you because it's not what the culture teaches at all, but the truth of the matter is, no one can possibly complete you. That having been said, what you (and everyone else---even the ones who are in a relationship) are truly seeking is a deep connection with what you might call your Higher Self, although it's really who you are in the truest sense. There is a divine part of you that loves and adores you and is the source of all those feelings you think you will have if you only had a girl friend you could kiss and hold hands with and bring flowers to on Valentines Day, and all the rest. Yes, in the presence of a woman you can feel things, but she is only showing you what you already have inside yourself. The mistake humanity has been historically making is to think that you cannot feel that way without this other person. This is simply not the case. If you choose, you can go inside yourself and find a deep love you never knew you had--one that has compassion for the part of you that thinks you need someone else. And the truth is, if you were to develop this incredible relationship with yourself, there would be women hunting you down because they too want a piece of such love. The problem is, they too have to find it inside themselves first, because once you have it, you'll realize the so-called need that others have is an illusion. When two people have found such inner love for themselves, then they can share what they already have without any need. This is a completely different experience than what you see around you. Basically, even those in a relationship suffer because they rely on the other for that emotional support. This is why humans in general suffer, with or without a relationship. So I invite you to get quiet and breathe and begin tapping into that divine presence that is within you. Once you've cultlivated a relationship with the real You, no one can possibly take it away from you. I hope this helps...blessings my friend.

cliffo

Well put and an interesting flip to the duality of this dilemma in that once you find your "true self" you attract others who want this answer and then you are in the position of "rejecting" their illusion.