Is it normal to hold yourself to a higher/different standard than you hold others?
For example, I’m always happy to advocate for the well being of people with mental illness, and would never judge somebody for any kind of treatment. But last month I spent the night in the hospital for my mental illness and felt terrible about it. In retrospect I’m glad I went instead of killing myself because it rerouted me to a better treatment path. But that night I felt weak for not being able to take care of myself, even though I’d never call somebody else in a hospital “weak.” Does anyone else ever hold themselves to higher standards than they do others?
Discussion
I seem to be able to see any external situation in terms of a millions shades or grey and discern patterns of behaviour and understand - and empathise with - other people's actions.
It makes me forgive pretty much anything and everything (to a healthier degree these days - a good point to make here for everyone to take note of is, please be more selfish - selfish is NOT a bad thing!) Yet when it comes to myself and - more importantly - my SENSE of self and who I am, I seem to be far more critical and unforgiving. I am struggling to get to a point of self love because of this. I'm wondering if this is at all relatable to my fellow INFJs? I hold myself to such high standards that I rarely accomplish my goals. What's one thing you hold yourself to a higher standard with, than you do other people? How high are your standards for yourself?
Question
Something I struggle with is the fact that my standards for myself are extremely high to the point of being near unrealistic. I have to work at least 8 or 9 hours a day (I usually have a day off once every 2 weeks or so). I have to work out every day. I have to not eat any crappy food ever. I have to call people out if I think they're complaining too much without taking any action to better themselves (that one is particularly bad if you want a healthy social life). I can't enjoy anything if I'm not learning in the process, and I'm very hard on myself if I compromise on any of these things, which of course I do. This leads to me viewing myself a contemptible, and it's sort of a downward spiral from there.
I live with 3 others who don't have any sort of standard for themselves, and it's a constant struggle to maintain my personal standards. I don't mean to rant here, I'm just wondering if anyone can relate. I had what little self worth I have left invested in something that I failed at (or what I perceived as failing). My emotions got the best of me and I seriously overreacted to something that wouldn't even bother most people. I'm so humiliated that I failed and humiliated at how I reacted to that failure. I hate myself so much right now it's ridiculous. Anyway I just hope someone can tell me they relate so I don't feel so alone. Who do you hold to a higher standard of beauty? Yourself or your SO? Or is it equal? My perfect day is 10 hours of working plus a bunch of exercise and sex. It genuinely makes me happy. I do make time for social and fun and put good effort into being likeable, since I'm not naturally likeable :)
I'm average, yet I hold myself to absurdly high standards (basically perfectionism). It gives me positive energy and I love the endless pushing myself. I am not autistic/depressed/OCD, but do have ADHD. Clarifying this because my preferences are often attacked.
Now here's the problem. Absurd standards feel normal to me, so I spend a lot of energy correcting myself after I hold other people to my own standards.
I'm married. My husband cares about fun and friends, not work and household. That's a common enough. But when my high standards bleed over, it leads to stupid frustrations. It's not that bad when I lose my patience. Last time that happened, I bought him a toaster because I went crazy every day from seeing him carefully toasting bread in a pan over a fire and the fact that it took him over half an hour every time. He likes the toaster.
But of course, when living together with another human being there are literally hundreds of these irritations that I have.
I bring my frustrations back to zero once a day. Writing love letters to him.Focus my energy on what brings happiness, gratitude exercises, ...
It works fine to get back to "hey, these standards are for YOU, not them!". But I want to not get frustrated in the first place.
There's one area where I'm laid back. Parenting. A lot of people handle my infant son and I disagree with what they do (television nannying, rough handling, feeding him salty food, holding him while walking stairs on socks). I notice my disagreement, remind myself it's ok, and then let them be within a matter of seconds. The only boundary I drew strongly was washing hands and getting flu vaccines. I actually get compliments on being a chill parent!
So if I can do that when it comes to child handling, why can't I do it normally? I am in therapy but the therapist's recommendation of meditating daily doesn't help at all (it's been a year). Hopefully you guys/gals can give me a lot of tips from personal experience! TL;DR I have unrealistic standards for myself, but it makes me happy. Problem? I don't know how to turn it off for other people. I "reset" once a day reminding myself that it's irrational. I am chill when it comes to how others treat my kid, and that's a lot better than getting frustrated and then needing to get rid of my frustrations. Can you help me? I'm a 24 year old female; A lot of people have told me that my standards are too high.
Is it wrong to have high standards on looks when wanting a relationship?
So I recently started dating a girl whom I've been friends with for around 2 years, and when I asked why she wanted to date me she told me (basically) because I'm not an asshole. Let me explain this a bit; Her track record with guys has generally been the "bad boy" persona, i.e. rough, tough, not afraid to drink/smoke weed, doesn't really care about school, etc. I, however, don't drink, don't smoke, focus in school, avoid bad crowds, and have always been her rock; I would let her tell me about her problems, how her boyfriend is ignoring her, family issues, stuff like that, simply because I like to be "that guy" that girls can talk to. She tells me how I'm sweet, caring, funny, charming, not focused on sex, that I care about her, etc. Now is when I admit that I'm not the best looking guy in school, I'm about 25 lbs overweight (cause I'm American, haha) and I have acne. I ask her about this and she tells me she doesn't focus on the outside, but what's on the inside. She could definitely do better than me, she's gorgeous and has a great personality. So, after thinking this over, I realized that looks are a major factor in my relationships. I do focus on personality too, but if I met a girl with the perfect personality but a not so perfect body I probably wouldn't date her. I realize that's kind of hypocritical since I'm nowhere near perfect myself, but does that make me stuck up or snobby? Does anyone else feel this way?
When I look for a guy, looks are not my priority. I value intelligence, integrity, and emotional stability very high; I want a guy who can converse with me about philosophy, science, history, art, and music. Also someone who has strong morality ,ethics, and self-respect. Sexual attraction does require fitness since I regularly work out and enjoy hiking and such. I never asked for a model-looking guy or a Nobel-prize winner. I don't understand why so many people call me picky or sometimes arrogant :(
It’s okay to have unrealistic/high standards when it comes to dating
If you’re going to have your heart broken, you might as well have it done by someone who meets your standards. Whether your standards are based on looks, personality, hobbies or whatever else, the risk is all the same.
Why do you hold people to a higher standard?
The INFPs I have know, I really genuinely love. But I’ve noticed that if I make a mistake or have a personality flaw they will basically cut me off or push me away. I know two INFPs closely who are constantly saying other people are immature or bad people yet they are very rude and immature themselves. I still accept them with their flaws but they don’t accept me. What is the thought process here? I don’t wanna feel like I’m proving myself as good to the INFPs I know constantly. If we get into an argument they often blame it on me and then I’m the one that apologizes. I’ve noticed this so much in young INFPs (20 and below). Is this something young INFPs go through or is it unrelated to type?
You shouldn’t have to dumb down your standards just because that 6 treats you well. Go for the 10 because if it ends in heartbreak, it’ll feel just the same.
Edit: the point should be that missing just one of these qualities, that you hold to high expectations for, is good enough reason to be alone until the right person comes along. If you believe there are not any expectations that need to be held high above the rest, such as loyalty and trustworthiness, then you’re lying to yourself.
Do not feel obligated to continue pursuing a relationship when your basic, most unmovable expectations can’t be met. You deserve better. Keep looking.
It's upsetting for me to live in this world where superficiality and meaningless one night stands are so prevalent. Why do people peer pressure me to lower my standards? Is it just INFJs who have high standards ? I'm also perfectionistic. I have a lot of standards. I want someone who's kind, has a job, funny, caring, honest, and remotely attractive/takes care of himself. He doesn't need a car or his own place but those are obviously plusses if he does have them. Preferably no kids (considering I'm, yanno, under 21.) Not on drugs? Idk.
Also, I work and pay for myself and my bills, quit nicotine and alcohol completely, buy my own things and dont need to be spoiled. I take pride in looking and smelling nice and want to keep getting more educated. I don't need or want a boyfriend to pay all my bills and cart me around town like a child, if thats what it sounds like. Sorry if it comes across that way. But why should a woman sound like a gold digger for asking that her man has a job, anyway?
I honestly just want someone who wants to be in a real partnership where we both better each other. One where we can work together to improve our quality of life together. I find a lot of men who almost fit the bill, but theres almost always something that puts me off. Too rude, too immature, careless, lazy, im not attracted to him emotionally/physically, not ready to commit, unavailable, whatever it is.
The thing is, I don't want to settle and be miserable and hate my partner, or not want to talk to them, or not want to have sex or be around them etc because thats not fair to either of us. Its not fair to them to be with someone whos just dating them for the title or the novelty of having a boyfriend. Its not fair to them to be with me, who doesnt even like them, just so i can tell my family that I'm finally dating a boy.
I know that my standards are too high. But if i lower them, I'm potentially ruining my life and the life of an innocent man for no reason. I desperately dont want to settle. I wouldn't want my boyfriend to feel like he settled for me either. The idea is terrifying. I really just don't want to be the only person who feels like this.
Sorry if I sound shallow, prob do. I am fully aware.
Edit: Read past the title please. Too many 40yr old men in my dms talking about vaginas. Also, no way Im gonna be able to reply to all these comments, so I'm gonna say I'm shocked yall think my standards are too low. Half the people in this city cant function without weed and are "between jobs". I need to move away, apparently.
Edit for clarification: I'm not actively searching for a partner right now. Yes there are options, I'm just not interested and am way too busy anyway. A lot of people are trying to solve my problem instead of just reading about it; I really don't need it solved. I'm happy and content being single right now because I'd rather not settle for the people I know and would rather wait for someone good. Thanks for helping, but I'm all good. Just needed a place to get this out. (This edit is for people saying I don't meet the standards of people Im interested in btw) Women with high standards, how do you prioritize your standards? And, what makes you stick to them? Do any of you feel like you have really high standards for dating and will end up alone? How do you cope with it? How can you tell if your standards are too high (when dating)?
I am a 19-year-old girl, currently in college, and have never dated anyone. I've had quite a few guys ask me out, but I have turned all of them down because I wasn't quite "feeling it" and didn't want to test the waters for too long, leading them on and eventually hurting them if I knew from the start that the spark wasn't quite there.
I know that "love at first sight" is overrated, but I have this feeling that I will just sort of know when the right guy has come along.
A lot of guys have been really close to what I'm looking for in a boyfriend, but just not quite right. Usually, my issue is that they are too eager or young or immature, or that I am not feeling much of an attraction. Otherwise though, we click on many other levels, and they've been really sweet guys with great personalities and senses of humor.
I can't tell if I am just being overly critical, or if I should be more patient and wait for the right guy to come along. My concern with "settling" for someone now who doesn't feel quite like the right guy is that I will always have a voice in the back of my head telling me that I'm being cruel for leading him on, because he isn't my "ideal man."
My fear, always, is that I will inadvertently hurt a guy who really likes me but whose feelings I can't reciprocate, even after several dates or repeated efforts.
From your own experiences, is it better to stick to your standards and ideas of your ideal guy, or should you force yourself to pursue things with someone when you aren't really sure it will end up anywhere? Do you get annoyed when men have incredibly high standards?
I have always wondered if women get annoyed by this, or if they just accept it. Do you ever feel women's standards are too high in modern dating? Why or why not?
I'm wondering the state of affairs now between the sexes and why their always seems to be a bunch of men struggling to find partners and not Visa versa.
Discussion
I seem to be able to see any external situation in terms of a millions shades or grey and discern patterns of behaviour and understand - and empathise with - other people's actions.
It makes me forgive pretty much anything and everything (to a healthier degree these days - a good point to make here for everyone to take note of is, please be more selfish - selfish is NOT a bad thing!) Yet when it comes to myself and - more importantly - my SENSE of self and who I am, I seem to be far more critical and unforgiving. I am struggling to get to a point of self love because of this. I'm wondering if this is at all relatable to my fellow INFJs? I hold myself to such high standards that I rarely accomplish my goals. What's one thing you hold yourself to a higher standard with, than you do other people? How high are your standards for yourself?
Question
Something I struggle with is the fact that my standards for myself are extremely high to the point of being near unrealistic. I have to work at least 8 or 9 hours a day (I usually have a day off once every 2 weeks or so). I have to work out every day. I have to not eat any crappy food ever. I have to call people out if I think they're complaining too much without taking any action to better themselves (that one is particularly bad if you want a healthy social life). I can't enjoy anything if I'm not learning in the process, and I'm very hard on myself if I compromise on any of these things, which of course I do. This leads to me viewing myself a contemptible, and it's sort of a downward spiral from there.
I live with 3 others who don't have any sort of standard for themselves, and it's a constant struggle to maintain my personal standards. I don't mean to rant here, I'm just wondering if anyone can relate. I had what little self worth I have left invested in something that I failed at (or what I perceived as failing). My emotions got the best of me and I seriously overreacted to something that wouldn't even bother most people. I'm so humiliated that I failed and humiliated at how I reacted to that failure. I hate myself so much right now it's ridiculous. Anyway I just hope someone can tell me they relate so I don't feel so alone. Who do you hold to a higher standard of beauty? Yourself or your SO? Or is it equal? My perfect day is 10 hours of working plus a bunch of exercise and sex. It genuinely makes me happy. I do make time for social and fun and put good effort into being likeable, since I'm not naturally likeable :)
I'm average, yet I hold myself to absurdly high standards (basically perfectionism). It gives me positive energy and I love the endless pushing myself. I am not autistic/depressed/OCD, but do have ADHD. Clarifying this because my preferences are often attacked.
Now here's the problem. Absurd standards feel normal to me, so I spend a lot of energy correcting myself after I hold other people to my own standards.
I'm married. My husband cares about fun and friends, not work and household. That's a common enough. But when my high standards bleed over, it leads to stupid frustrations. It's not that bad when I lose my patience. Last time that happened, I bought him a toaster because I went crazy every day from seeing him carefully toasting bread in a pan over a fire and the fact that it took him over half an hour every time. He likes the toaster.
But of course, when living together with another human being there are literally hundreds of these irritations that I have.
I bring my frustrations back to zero once a day. Writing love letters to him.Focus my energy on what brings happiness, gratitude exercises, ...
It works fine to get back to "hey, these standards are for YOU, not them!". But I want to not get frustrated in the first place.
There's one area where I'm laid back. Parenting. A lot of people handle my infant son and I disagree with what they do (television nannying, rough handling, feeding him salty food, holding him while walking stairs on socks). I notice my disagreement, remind myself it's ok, and then let them be within a matter of seconds. The only boundary I drew strongly was washing hands and getting flu vaccines. I actually get compliments on being a chill parent!
So if I can do that when it comes to child handling, why can't I do it normally? I am in therapy but the therapist's recommendation of meditating daily doesn't help at all (it's been a year). Hopefully you guys/gals can give me a lot of tips from personal experience! TL;DR I have unrealistic standards for myself, but it makes me happy. Problem? I don't know how to turn it off for other people. I "reset" once a day reminding myself that it's irrational. I am chill when it comes to how others treat my kid, and that's a lot better than getting frustrated and then needing to get rid of my frustrations. Can you help me? I'm a 24 year old female; A lot of people have told me that my standards are too high.
Is it wrong to have high standards on looks when wanting a relationship?
So I recently started dating a girl whom I've been friends with for around 2 years, and when I asked why she wanted to date me she told me (basically) because I'm not an asshole. Let me explain this a bit; Her track record with guys has generally been the "bad boy" persona, i.e. rough, tough, not afraid to drink/smoke weed, doesn't really care about school, etc. I, however, don't drink, don't smoke, focus in school, avoid bad crowds, and have always been her rock; I would let her tell me about her problems, how her boyfriend is ignoring her, family issues, stuff like that, simply because I like to be "that guy" that girls can talk to. She tells me how I'm sweet, caring, funny, charming, not focused on sex, that I care about her, etc. Now is when I admit that I'm not the best looking guy in school, I'm about 25 lbs overweight (cause I'm American, haha) and I have acne. I ask her about this and she tells me she doesn't focus on the outside, but what's on the inside. She could definitely do better than me, she's gorgeous and has a great personality. So, after thinking this over, I realized that looks are a major factor in my relationships. I do focus on personality too, but if I met a girl with the perfect personality but a not so perfect body I probably wouldn't date her. I realize that's kind of hypocritical since I'm nowhere near perfect myself, but does that make me stuck up or snobby? Does anyone else feel this way?
When I look for a guy, looks are not my priority. I value intelligence, integrity, and emotional stability very high; I want a guy who can converse with me about philosophy, science, history, art, and music. Also someone who has strong morality ,ethics, and self-respect. Sexual attraction does require fitness since I regularly work out and enjoy hiking and such. I never asked for a model-looking guy or a Nobel-prize winner. I don't understand why so many people call me picky or sometimes arrogant :(
It’s okay to have unrealistic/high standards when it comes to dating
If you’re going to have your heart broken, you might as well have it done by someone who meets your standards. Whether your standards are based on looks, personality, hobbies or whatever else, the risk is all the same.
Why do you hold people to a higher standard?
The INFPs I have know, I really genuinely love. But I’ve noticed that if I make a mistake or have a personality flaw they will basically cut me off or push me away. I know two INFPs closely who are constantly saying other people are immature or bad people yet they are very rude and immature themselves. I still accept them with their flaws but they don’t accept me. What is the thought process here? I don’t wanna feel like I’m proving myself as good to the INFPs I know constantly. If we get into an argument they often blame it on me and then I’m the one that apologizes. I’ve noticed this so much in young INFPs (20 and below). Is this something young INFPs go through or is it unrelated to type?
You shouldn’t have to dumb down your standards just because that 6 treats you well. Go for the 10 because if it ends in heartbreak, it’ll feel just the same.
Edit: the point should be that missing just one of these qualities, that you hold to high expectations for, is good enough reason to be alone until the right person comes along. If you believe there are not any expectations that need to be held high above the rest, such as loyalty and trustworthiness, then you’re lying to yourself.
Do not feel obligated to continue pursuing a relationship when your basic, most unmovable expectations can’t be met. You deserve better. Keep looking.
It's upsetting for me to live in this world where superficiality and meaningless one night stands are so prevalent. Why do people peer pressure me to lower my standards? Is it just INFJs who have high standards ? I'm also perfectionistic. I have a lot of standards. I want someone who's kind, has a job, funny, caring, honest, and remotely attractive/takes care of himself. He doesn't need a car or his own place but those are obviously plusses if he does have them. Preferably no kids (considering I'm, yanno, under 21.) Not on drugs? Idk.
Also, I work and pay for myself and my bills, quit nicotine and alcohol completely, buy my own things and dont need to be spoiled. I take pride in looking and smelling nice and want to keep getting more educated. I don't need or want a boyfriend to pay all my bills and cart me around town like a child, if thats what it sounds like. Sorry if it comes across that way. But why should a woman sound like a gold digger for asking that her man has a job, anyway?
I honestly just want someone who wants to be in a real partnership where we both better each other. One where we can work together to improve our quality of life together. I find a lot of men who almost fit the bill, but theres almost always something that puts me off. Too rude, too immature, careless, lazy, im not attracted to him emotionally/physically, not ready to commit, unavailable, whatever it is.
The thing is, I don't want to settle and be miserable and hate my partner, or not want to talk to them, or not want to have sex or be around them etc because thats not fair to either of us. Its not fair to them to be with someone whos just dating them for the title or the novelty of having a boyfriend. Its not fair to them to be with me, who doesnt even like them, just so i can tell my family that I'm finally dating a boy.
I know that my standards are too high. But if i lower them, I'm potentially ruining my life and the life of an innocent man for no reason. I desperately dont want to settle. I wouldn't want my boyfriend to feel like he settled for me either. The idea is terrifying. I really just don't want to be the only person who feels like this.
Sorry if I sound shallow, prob do. I am fully aware.
Edit: Read past the title please. Too many 40yr old men in my dms talking about vaginas. Also, no way Im gonna be able to reply to all these comments, so I'm gonna say I'm shocked yall think my standards are too low. Half the people in this city cant function without weed and are "between jobs". I need to move away, apparently.
Edit for clarification: I'm not actively searching for a partner right now. Yes there are options, I'm just not interested and am way too busy anyway. A lot of people are trying to solve my problem instead of just reading about it; I really don't need it solved. I'm happy and content being single right now because I'd rather not settle for the people I know and would rather wait for someone good. Thanks for helping, but I'm all good. Just needed a place to get this out. (This edit is for people saying I don't meet the standards of people Im interested in btw) Women with high standards, how do you prioritize your standards? And, what makes you stick to them? Do any of you feel like you have really high standards for dating and will end up alone? How do you cope with it? How can you tell if your standards are too high (when dating)?
I am a 19-year-old girl, currently in college, and have never dated anyone. I've had quite a few guys ask me out, but I have turned all of them down because I wasn't quite "feeling it" and didn't want to test the waters for too long, leading them on and eventually hurting them if I knew from the start that the spark wasn't quite there.
I know that "love at first sight" is overrated, but I have this feeling that I will just sort of know when the right guy has come along.
A lot of guys have been really close to what I'm looking for in a boyfriend, but just not quite right. Usually, my issue is that they are too eager or young or immature, or that I am not feeling much of an attraction. Otherwise though, we click on many other levels, and they've been really sweet guys with great personalities and senses of humor.
I can't tell if I am just being overly critical, or if I should be more patient and wait for the right guy to come along. My concern with "settling" for someone now who doesn't feel quite like the right guy is that I will always have a voice in the back of my head telling me that I'm being cruel for leading him on, because he isn't my "ideal man."
My fear, always, is that I will inadvertently hurt a guy who really likes me but whose feelings I can't reciprocate, even after several dates or repeated efforts.
From your own experiences, is it better to stick to your standards and ideas of your ideal guy, or should you force yourself to pursue things with someone when you aren't really sure it will end up anywhere? Do you get annoyed when men have incredibly high standards?
I have always wondered if women get annoyed by this, or if they just accept it. Do you ever feel women's standards are too high in modern dating? Why or why not?
I'm wondering the state of affairs now between the sexes and why their always seems to be a bunch of men struggling to find partners and not Visa versa.
