Fighting to Stay Married [I Am Married But Lonely]

We've been married for almost a year and a half and together for almost 5 and a half. Things have never been without falter. We're human and neither of us is perfect. But the last couple months, really since covid began it's been rough.

We're at a point now where neither of us want to leave the other, but I'm the only one being affectionate and fighting to keep this marriage together.

He says his mind is just full of various thoughts regarding his previous marriage (how his ex wife treated him), my mother and her negativity (constantly stating my husband would cheat on me with his ex because they do holidays and birthdays together[I'm included]), wanting to move back to his home in the Caribbean but being unable to because of his two kids from his previous marriage... and with all these thoughts in his mind, it has left him feeling empty and heavy and unhappy but unsure how to fix it.

The uncertainty of how to fix his problems has left him distant and more unaffectionate than usual. We have only short conversation except when we talk about where our relationship is going. I just feel the sense of solitude and loneliness. And we sleep in the same bed, come home to each other, have dinner together. I miss my husband...

I'm tempted to leave him. But I love him and the life we have, I want to keep fighting. But I don't know if I can when he is unsure how to fix his issues...

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kayoshin · 36-40, M

The usual mistake women make (also in my personal experience) is that they want to tackle this kind of issue head on. As a guy hearing "we need to talk" "what is going on with us" "let's talk about our relationship" is like a bomb siren that makes you go to defensive mode by default. It's the signal of an uncomfortable talk where you're likely to be called out on things you do and things you don't even do and where everything you say can and will be held against you worse than in a court of law. So going that route with a man is choosing the hard way every time. It might be easier for the woman but, for the guy, it's hell and we will avoid it at all costs (sometimes dooming our relationships), it's how most of us are wired.

I recommend just skipping the relationship talk and jumping to actually fixing the things that are wrong. Assume that he is willing to cooperate because he probably is, don't ask because you'll probably get the defensive version and he'll lock up like a turtle faster than you can say "incoming!". Don't get too frustrated with him he is probably also massively interiorizing all the worries and stress that this COVID-19 thing is causing him because not dumping your troubles and worries on your woman is the thing we're taught to do "be a man, handle it, solve it" and in such situations where you can't really do anything to help or solve things it can be an enormous psychological burden that we are NOT inclined to share (and which usually doesn't even help us out if we share because it makes us feel weaker if we do).
So exceptional situations create exceptional hardships and you will have to take exceptional measures to survive it. Even so there is no guarantee that your marriage will survive, even if you both try. Sometimes the right hit at the perfect time can kill any relationship. The perfect storm can hit any marriage and screw it up.
Hope you find a way to approach your man and find a way to adapt to how things are now and find affection again even if it means having to find each other as the new people that you are now.

Good luck and i hope what i wrote makes sense :)