I Live In a Sexless Marriage My wife and I finally had a talk about my feelings for her, which...

JustJenna · 31-35, F

Nothing is wrong with you wanting to be happy

bamaboylick · 61-69, M

@aradia, yes, mixed emotions but not feelings. I feel for you. I'm not in the same situation as you but similar in that to this day she will not admit any of her own faults. Over the years I've owned my own short comings and worked to correct them. I care for her and didn't want to hurt her but I was by not being honest. Even though over these last year's she had to see that my feelings for her were gone.

aradia11 · 61-69, F

You have a lot of mixed emotions going on here. That is expected. I too wish I could have a TALK with my husband.. Yet he is physically n mentally challenged.. So hard to talk with. He refuses to see his faults.

Picklebobble · 56-60, M

Talk is always good.
Better than silences which just alienate each other.

Carissimi · F

Yes, you must be careful.

I don't know if you are in the ILIASM forum or the previous one on EP, but many caution against having an AP, one reason being that a refuser can use it against you if you decide to divorce.

If you do go that route, then go into it fully informed about the legal consequences should your spouse divorce you, or vice versa.

doneandgone

Nope its not wrong at all..feel your feelings whatever they are.

SW-User

@bamaboylick - Thank you, and I agree -life is too short. I spent a very long time accepting unacceptable behavior and living without emotional intimacy. Healing is a long process, but I feel like I am moving in the right direction.

darktippedrose · 41-45, F

yes it is. if my husband offered an open marriage, I'd feel degraded. it would make me feel even more loveless.

but happy to start having love.

I understand. Sometimes you unwilling love someone just because you've had kidz together or have lived together for so long.

bamaboylick · 61-69, M

@Carissimi,I don't think she would have been so accommodating before now. The years have taken a toll on both of us in different ways. Frankly, I'm surprised and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop

bamaboylick · 61-69, M

She was a refuser up until 3 years ago. By then my love for her was gone. Time plus her lie about why she didn't want to have sex. I had already resigned myself to the marriage because of my granddaughter.

darktippedrose · 41-45, F

yes. I more than understand. I've been encouraged to leave my husband but I have so many health problems that I'm dealing with right now. So I understand staying even though it hurts.

Carissimi · F

Not many refusers in these marriages are so accommodating to the refused spouse. The fact that she accepts, and only asks for your discretion is remarkable and fortunate.

bamaboylick · 61-69, M

I was for about 8 months at the end of ep, but I just listened, not participated. Thanks for the advice Carissimi!

Happytohelp77 · 46-50, M

Nope, nothing is wrong with you wanting to be happy (unless whatever makes you happy is socially unacceptable...) :-)

SW-User

Nope - there is nothing wrong with wanting to be happy. I hope you are very happy moving forward.

darktippedrose · 41-45, F

sorry. I understand. my husband usually does that. by the time its just too late he realises what he's done.

Carissimi · F

I'm a bit confused. Is your wife actually a refuser, or are you refusing her? I haven't seen any back stories of yours to know the history.

PTCdresser57 · 61-69, M

Good for you...just take into account your wifes feelings at all times.

aradia11 · 61-69, F

Its good to air it out..I hope you come to a place where its comfortable for you both

doneandgone

well sounds like you kinda have a plan for yourself at least right?

bamaboylick · 61-69, M

@HTH I don't care what society's standards are, I live by who I am lol

bamaboylick · 61-69, M

I so feel for you

bamaboylick · 61-69, M

Thank you MC,some kind of happiness at least. I see from your latest post that you are too. I hope you find it also, life's to short.

bamaboylick · 61-69, M

DTR,since I posted this she's gone from accepting to angry at times that I won't be what she wants. To little, to late though.
It would have been easier to just go back to pretending but I'm glad it's out in the open

bamaboylick · 61-69, M

I'm done being lonely for sure. And staying until my kid is out of high school. Other than that I haven't a clue lol. But I'll still be caring and respectful.

bamaboylick · 61-69, M

Yep.
And no more talking of a open marriage. She'll probably be for it when she finds someone.
It is what it is

bamaboylick · 61-69, M

Thanks aradia. That's my hope. But it's so exhausting