How can I get my trust back?
There have been a series of events going on in my life that make me become more jaded than I want to. I used to be very good at seeing the struggle of people and give them compassion few could give. I used to be so good at listening to people who look unbearable on the outside and find the good things in them. But recently there have been a few people whom other people have a problem with for a good reason. They turn out to have actual problematic belief and behavior, they are just too absorbed in their fantasy to realize they have a problem. And I have been the one to sympathize with their stories and go along with them. I feel so betrayed, I feel like my trust has been destroyed, like I put so much trust in the person being a good person at heart only for them to turn out to be as bad as people think they are. These days I can still listen to people, but now I can’t shake the thought of “this is another faker again”.
I feel like I have lost my compassion for some reason. I googled “empathy fatigue” but the symptoms don’t quite match my condition. So I’m not sure what I’m suffering from. What should I do? I’m no expert, I simply don't claim to be one but I think you need to take a break and look after yourself. You’ve asked two quite different questions here, the one in your subject line and the one at the end of your details. I’m sure you’ll have some advice coming your way. I just want to emphasize the importance of caring for yourself first. Rest, do some things you enjoy, see friends, and stop rescuing for a while. There never was a promise of reward. Have you ever lost your SO's trust?
Have you ever done something that caused your SO to no longer trust you? What did you do/not do to regain their trust?
True. Many reasons why a person may decide to work on rebuilding trust. I know a couple where the husband cheated. Their pastor knew it, his coworkers knew and she still forgave him, even with the public humiliation. They (from the outside) seem to have used the experience to make their marriage stronger. He wanted to keep the marriage to protect his assets and keep access to his children, she loves him and wishes to keep the family together. They also have a life where that white picket fence picture perfect family matters a great deal.
My aunt had a very good metaphor for trust in relationships. Imagine you and your partner are standing opposite each other, but between you is a large glass wall. When your relationship is new, you can see your partner clearly on the other side. But every time your partner does something that makes you lose trust in them, a crack appears in the glass. Eventually, there may be so many cracks that it's difficult to see your partner on the other side and eventually the entire glass wall itself might shatter completely because there's just too many cracks. (At this point, you don't trust your partner at all.) Basically - you can only put up with so many cracks for so long. After a while if there are too many cracks in the relationship the whole foundation of the relationship breaks down and no trust at all exists. Now, here's something I've noticed. If you're used to your glass wall breaking (there was no trust in your past relationship) - you start expecting it to break in new relationships and you may unintentionally start adding cracks to the glass wall. Basically you're self sabotaging. I've had to be very mindful of this recently. I came out of a long-term relationship where the trust had basically broken down. I found an AMAZING guy who is absolutely amazingly sweet and caring towards me, but because of my past relationship, I'm unintentionally adding cracks to our glass wall by not trusting him. I'm suspicious of him with absolutely ZERO reason to be. It's just not healthy. Mistrust leads to jealousy and that's all other sorts of problems. Trust is vital in all relationships - not just romantic ones.
It will only come back if the person who broke the trust sincerely apologizes, and then independently makes choices to assure the other partner that they are trying to be honest and truthful. If the lying party apologizes begrudgingly and doesn't understand what they did wrong or how badly they made their partner feel, then no amount of trying will make the partner feel secure in the relationship.
In the beginning of a relationship, I strive to trust my partner, seeing they've done nothing to warrant distrust. But, of course, because I don't instantly know a partner, there's occasionally this tiny voice telling me not to trust this, or that, or that something is off. I ignore that voice. I put it down, stow it away, and over time, I hear it less and less.
I don't think anyone should trust anyone (including themselves) 100%. We are all human, we are capable of changing for the better or worse and we make mistakes. I believe trust can go up to a higher level after going through a rocky time but both sides need to go into the core and figure out why that rocky time happened exactly, how that can be fixed, and then take some time to see if it is fixed. Relationship counseling might help. This can't be done about everything nor always would be a good idea to even try. It depends on what kind of trust is gone, how long you have been together, what the relationship has been like in general, etc
You don't. It's gone for good. Depending on the severity of what happened for the trust to be ruined, it can range from a constant blaring alarm in your head any time they're away from you to a slight thought that pops up every now and then when things seem off. If by "regaining" it you mean making it better and at least putting forth effort to reduce the trust issues, I'd say just don't fuck up. Be a trustworthy person.
I [25 M] lost most of the trust of the girl [26 M] I love. I was in a bad place in life both mentally and financially, and I did a lot of things that wound up hurting her emotionally. I accept responsibility for those things, and I've grown quite a bit and realized what my core problem was (anxiety) and I'm doing a lot better now. Like night and day difference actually. We're still talking which is great, but she doesn't know how to rebuild that trust. She says she just needs time, I'm of the opinion that the only way to build trust is to give a little bit of trust at a time and see how the person does with it.
Forget that rubbish about the fastest way. It is a very selfish want. Rebuilding trust takes time and effort and she doesn't owe you either. You need to prove to her that you are worth the effort with your time and energy. Make her feel safe. If this has to do with infedikity, open yourself to her. Open your accounts offer to let her see anything she needs about you. No secrets. Be where you say you'll be. Do what you say you'll do.Don't try to pressure her and don't try to force her into trusting you again. Depending on what it was it may take years to revuild
The hard part of all this is, changing for someone else is a losing game. I am sure you are talking about some basic stuff like honesty, trustworthiness, dependable, etc... All you can do is be the best you can. This doesn't mean she will forgive you or even WANT you to give her a better you. My experience is the mountain you wish to climb, is very high, and you might not like where you end up. "time heals all" just watch your expectations of her responses and give her lots of room. Good luck
It's a tall mountain and I'm still climbing out of the canyon I dug to reach the base of the mountain, but she's worth it. I've had plenty of girlfriends, none of them made me feel like this, not even my first love. Thank you for the well wishes, I hope I can make it to the top.
We have been in a long distant relationship for 3 1/2 years. I live in Germany, he lives in America. Things were going fine until I found out that he kissed another girl. I trusted him more than anybody else, but after I discovered that he kissed a girl, I just can't look at him the same way any more. He told me that it was nothing and that I shouldn't make such a big deal out of it, since he still loves me and nobody else, but for me a kiss is not something I can tolerate that easily. I keep imagining him and her and it makes me crazy and really jealous. Maybe I am making a bigger deal out of it, but I can't change how I feel about it. It is a big strain on our relationship. And the fact that she is a good friend of him doesn't make it easier for me. Any suggestions out there? My SO and I have been dating for a few years. Diagnosed with BPD recently. Fits ALL the traits. Anything that could happen. The lying. The fabricating stories. The rages. It was a nightmare.
Now going through DBT. Have seen many improvements. However, the deep sense of mistrust is always there. I'm always wondering. I really want to believe and to make it work but I've been hurt so much that I can't help but remember the past and worry that it will happen again.
Has anyone's partner successfully completed DBT and gone on to have a successful relationship? How did you deal with the trust issues? And how did your partner deal with proving themselves worthy of you? I really love this girl, and I really have overcome the issues that kept me from being the best I can be, I just want to hear some solid ideas on how best to regain trust. Maybe there's a couples exercise or something like that which you'd see in couples therapy, maybe there's a formula, anything really. The fact is I'm truly genuine in my change and how I feel about her, I just have a hard time figuring out how to prove that in a timely and sincere way.
I think it really depends on the circumstances of the trust being broken. For most people it's incredibly difficult to regain a relationship after anything emotionally devastating happens and you never really know whether or not you can or want to make it through together. One of my therapists pointed out that dealing with broken trust is a lot like dealing with death. There's a mourning process and some couples can't make it through the grief.
No DBT, but currently in a stable period using boundary setting. I don't trust my SO, I am highly suspicious of his actions, he will sometimes lie right to my face about little things that seem senseless. I'm done caring if he lies, I know it's part of who he is and I can't change it, so I take responsibility for discerning the truth myself. I guess there is always the chance that one of his lies could take my by surprise, but for the most part it's predictable. Deal breakers are cheating and substance abuse so I have my ways of proactively monitoring for activities in those aareas. That may sound tiresome, but I am pretty adept at it now and can spot something amiss rather easily.
My wife went through inpatient DBT treatment followed by IOP. We live in the suburbs. The program is downtown in a major metro area. She had to figure out how to navigate the sketchy public transport system (which, considering her social anxiety and fear of being alone, was probably considerably positive therapy in and of itself).
Before treatment, I didn't know whether I was coming home to Jekyll or Hyde. I might walk in to a smiling wife with dinner ready, or I might walk into a human buzzsaw.
Since DBT, we haven't had a raging fight like that in two years. All things said and done, there is still that tickle in the back of my mind that fears a return of the old days. I don't think that will happen, but having lived it, the possibility scares the hell out of me.
You're not just trying to build and continue, you have to try to limit the damage and replace the broken pieces where you can. Definitely try counseling if you're able to. Also, just know that no one is suddenly going to just trust anyone once doubt sets in. It can be years later and they'll still have a flare up where they're second-guessing or trying to test them. You're both going to have to work extra hard to pass every test (calling when you said you'd call, being where you said you'd be) and also be willing to let each other make mistakes and have moments of humanness (maybe you fell asleep, maybe plans changed last minute and you didn't think to check in). You'll just have to reassure each other often. Just try to balance that with still growing as people and maintaining healthy relationship practices.
My gf reached out to me, supported me and provided a really positive side to the relationship. She made changes to demonstrate that she knew I was hurting. With time we rebuilt a stronger relationship. I had moments when I would overthink things, but I was able to talk to her about them. She was always there for me, providing security. Although it took time, the relationship gained strength as a result of that work. Last month I found out that my girlfriend of four years slept with another guy just a day after our four year anniversary. I'm not one to trust easily to begin with, and when I found this out I was completely crushed. Throughout our relationship we always talked about how we would never cheat, as we had both been cheated on and couldn't bring ourselves to put each other through that. So her constant reminding that she would never cheat makes this even worse. I still love her and understand that people make mistakes, but I find myself not trusting her and wondering if she's doing something on the side. I don't think she is, but she's proven in the past that she's capable of both cheating and lying to me.
Long story short, after college graduation she started to feel her life was stagnating, including our love life. But instead of simply talking about it to me, she let it fester and bottle up until she became extremely distant all summer, leading up to eventually cheating on me. She said she got caught up in the moment, but it seems like a calculated decision in my book. No explanation is going to suffice and ever going to be enough, though.
You will NEVER look at her the same. But you may be able to push past this. It depends on the situation, specifics, etc. Even months after my ex cheated on me when I was overseas, I would bring it up during arguments. I couldn't help it. Who was she to argue with me or call me out on something when she had so thoroughly destroyed me a few months earlier? You have to push past that. Think of this other guy as an inanimate object. Don't think of him as some guy walking around out there and screwed your girlfriend.
The real trial here will be her. 90 percent of relationships that have had infidelity fail. Why? Because the person who cheated has to be so loving, caring, and thoughtful to you that it often becomes a full time job. When it gets tough, they tend to back off and that's when things go down hill. You aren't getting the love and focus of her attention that you need to get over this, and she is getting fed up with trying to always comfort you. If you decide to try and make it work, most of this relies on her and if she wants to make the effort. If she doesn't, then tell her to piss off, hit the gym, and go find a new hottie. She isn't worth your time if she doesn't want to help you rebuild that trust and loyalty that she has so thoroughly shattered.
Seriously though... I've had the same thing happen to me. Two long-term girlfriends, one of which I lived with and was about to propose to (had the ring), cheated on me. Bitches broke my heart. The second one especially hurt because I truly thought she was the one. Both times I was completely devastated, and felt like I had no choice but to move on. I couldn't trust them anymore. I didn't realize it at the time, but moving on from those two cheating bitches was one of the best things that could've ever happened to me. I went on to meet my wife, whom is better to/for me than both of those girls ever could've been..
I feel like I have lost my compassion for some reason. I googled “empathy fatigue” but the symptoms don’t quite match my condition. So I’m not sure what I’m suffering from. What should I do? I’m no expert, I simply don't claim to be one but I think you need to take a break and look after yourself. You’ve asked two quite different questions here, the one in your subject line and the one at the end of your details. I’m sure you’ll have some advice coming your way. I just want to emphasize the importance of caring for yourself first. Rest, do some things you enjoy, see friends, and stop rescuing for a while. There never was a promise of reward. Have you ever lost your SO's trust?
Have you ever done something that caused your SO to no longer trust you? What did you do/not do to regain their trust?
True. Many reasons why a person may decide to work on rebuilding trust. I know a couple where the husband cheated. Their pastor knew it, his coworkers knew and she still forgave him, even with the public humiliation. They (from the outside) seem to have used the experience to make their marriage stronger. He wanted to keep the marriage to protect his assets and keep access to his children, she loves him and wishes to keep the family together. They also have a life where that white picket fence picture perfect family matters a great deal.
My aunt had a very good metaphor for trust in relationships. Imagine you and your partner are standing opposite each other, but between you is a large glass wall. When your relationship is new, you can see your partner clearly on the other side. But every time your partner does something that makes you lose trust in them, a crack appears in the glass. Eventually, there may be so many cracks that it's difficult to see your partner on the other side and eventually the entire glass wall itself might shatter completely because there's just too many cracks. (At this point, you don't trust your partner at all.) Basically - you can only put up with so many cracks for so long. After a while if there are too many cracks in the relationship the whole foundation of the relationship breaks down and no trust at all exists. Now, here's something I've noticed. If you're used to your glass wall breaking (there was no trust in your past relationship) - you start expecting it to break in new relationships and you may unintentionally start adding cracks to the glass wall. Basically you're self sabotaging. I've had to be very mindful of this recently. I came out of a long-term relationship where the trust had basically broken down. I found an AMAZING guy who is absolutely amazingly sweet and caring towards me, but because of my past relationship, I'm unintentionally adding cracks to our glass wall by not trusting him. I'm suspicious of him with absolutely ZERO reason to be. It's just not healthy. Mistrust leads to jealousy and that's all other sorts of problems. Trust is vital in all relationships - not just romantic ones.
It will only come back if the person who broke the trust sincerely apologizes, and then independently makes choices to assure the other partner that they are trying to be honest and truthful. If the lying party apologizes begrudgingly and doesn't understand what they did wrong or how badly they made their partner feel, then no amount of trying will make the partner feel secure in the relationship.
In the beginning of a relationship, I strive to trust my partner, seeing they've done nothing to warrant distrust. But, of course, because I don't instantly know a partner, there's occasionally this tiny voice telling me not to trust this, or that, or that something is off. I ignore that voice. I put it down, stow it away, and over time, I hear it less and less.
I don't think anyone should trust anyone (including themselves) 100%. We are all human, we are capable of changing for the better or worse and we make mistakes. I believe trust can go up to a higher level after going through a rocky time but both sides need to go into the core and figure out why that rocky time happened exactly, how that can be fixed, and then take some time to see if it is fixed. Relationship counseling might help. This can't be done about everything nor always would be a good idea to even try. It depends on what kind of trust is gone, how long you have been together, what the relationship has been like in general, etc
You don't. It's gone for good. Depending on the severity of what happened for the trust to be ruined, it can range from a constant blaring alarm in your head any time they're away from you to a slight thought that pops up every now and then when things seem off. If by "regaining" it you mean making it better and at least putting forth effort to reduce the trust issues, I'd say just don't fuck up. Be a trustworthy person.
I [25 M] lost most of the trust of the girl [26 M] I love. I was in a bad place in life both mentally and financially, and I did a lot of things that wound up hurting her emotionally. I accept responsibility for those things, and I've grown quite a bit and realized what my core problem was (anxiety) and I'm doing a lot better now. Like night and day difference actually. We're still talking which is great, but she doesn't know how to rebuild that trust. She says she just needs time, I'm of the opinion that the only way to build trust is to give a little bit of trust at a time and see how the person does with it.
Forget that rubbish about the fastest way. It is a very selfish want. Rebuilding trust takes time and effort and she doesn't owe you either. You need to prove to her that you are worth the effort with your time and energy. Make her feel safe. If this has to do with infedikity, open yourself to her. Open your accounts offer to let her see anything she needs about you. No secrets. Be where you say you'll be. Do what you say you'll do.Don't try to pressure her and don't try to force her into trusting you again. Depending on what it was it may take years to revuild
The hard part of all this is, changing for someone else is a losing game. I am sure you are talking about some basic stuff like honesty, trustworthiness, dependable, etc... All you can do is be the best you can. This doesn't mean she will forgive you or even WANT you to give her a better you. My experience is the mountain you wish to climb, is very high, and you might not like where you end up. "time heals all" just watch your expectations of her responses and give her lots of room. Good luck
It's a tall mountain and I'm still climbing out of the canyon I dug to reach the base of the mountain, but she's worth it. I've had plenty of girlfriends, none of them made me feel like this, not even my first love. Thank you for the well wishes, I hope I can make it to the top.
We have been in a long distant relationship for 3 1/2 years. I live in Germany, he lives in America. Things were going fine until I found out that he kissed another girl. I trusted him more than anybody else, but after I discovered that he kissed a girl, I just can't look at him the same way any more. He told me that it was nothing and that I shouldn't make such a big deal out of it, since he still loves me and nobody else, but for me a kiss is not something I can tolerate that easily. I keep imagining him and her and it makes me crazy and really jealous. Maybe I am making a bigger deal out of it, but I can't change how I feel about it. It is a big strain on our relationship. And the fact that she is a good friend of him doesn't make it easier for me. Any suggestions out there? My SO and I have been dating for a few years. Diagnosed with BPD recently. Fits ALL the traits. Anything that could happen. The lying. The fabricating stories. The rages. It was a nightmare.
Now going through DBT. Have seen many improvements. However, the deep sense of mistrust is always there. I'm always wondering. I really want to believe and to make it work but I've been hurt so much that I can't help but remember the past and worry that it will happen again.
Has anyone's partner successfully completed DBT and gone on to have a successful relationship? How did you deal with the trust issues? And how did your partner deal with proving themselves worthy of you? I really love this girl, and I really have overcome the issues that kept me from being the best I can be, I just want to hear some solid ideas on how best to regain trust. Maybe there's a couples exercise or something like that which you'd see in couples therapy, maybe there's a formula, anything really. The fact is I'm truly genuine in my change and how I feel about her, I just have a hard time figuring out how to prove that in a timely and sincere way.
I think it really depends on the circumstances of the trust being broken. For most people it's incredibly difficult to regain a relationship after anything emotionally devastating happens and you never really know whether or not you can or want to make it through together. One of my therapists pointed out that dealing with broken trust is a lot like dealing with death. There's a mourning process and some couples can't make it through the grief.
No DBT, but currently in a stable period using boundary setting. I don't trust my SO, I am highly suspicious of his actions, he will sometimes lie right to my face about little things that seem senseless. I'm done caring if he lies, I know it's part of who he is and I can't change it, so I take responsibility for discerning the truth myself. I guess there is always the chance that one of his lies could take my by surprise, but for the most part it's predictable. Deal breakers are cheating and substance abuse so I have my ways of proactively monitoring for activities in those aareas. That may sound tiresome, but I am pretty adept at it now and can spot something amiss rather easily.
My wife went through inpatient DBT treatment followed by IOP. We live in the suburbs. The program is downtown in a major metro area. She had to figure out how to navigate the sketchy public transport system (which, considering her social anxiety and fear of being alone, was probably considerably positive therapy in and of itself).
Before treatment, I didn't know whether I was coming home to Jekyll or Hyde. I might walk in to a smiling wife with dinner ready, or I might walk into a human buzzsaw.
Since DBT, we haven't had a raging fight like that in two years. All things said and done, there is still that tickle in the back of my mind that fears a return of the old days. I don't think that will happen, but having lived it, the possibility scares the hell out of me.
You're not just trying to build and continue, you have to try to limit the damage and replace the broken pieces where you can. Definitely try counseling if you're able to. Also, just know that no one is suddenly going to just trust anyone once doubt sets in. It can be years later and they'll still have a flare up where they're second-guessing or trying to test them. You're both going to have to work extra hard to pass every test (calling when you said you'd call, being where you said you'd be) and also be willing to let each other make mistakes and have moments of humanness (maybe you fell asleep, maybe plans changed last minute and you didn't think to check in). You'll just have to reassure each other often. Just try to balance that with still growing as people and maintaining healthy relationship practices.
My gf reached out to me, supported me and provided a really positive side to the relationship. She made changes to demonstrate that she knew I was hurting. With time we rebuilt a stronger relationship. I had moments when I would overthink things, but I was able to talk to her about them. She was always there for me, providing security. Although it took time, the relationship gained strength as a result of that work. Last month I found out that my girlfriend of four years slept with another guy just a day after our four year anniversary. I'm not one to trust easily to begin with, and when I found this out I was completely crushed. Throughout our relationship we always talked about how we would never cheat, as we had both been cheated on and couldn't bring ourselves to put each other through that. So her constant reminding that she would never cheat makes this even worse. I still love her and understand that people make mistakes, but I find myself not trusting her and wondering if she's doing something on the side. I don't think she is, but she's proven in the past that she's capable of both cheating and lying to me.
Long story short, after college graduation she started to feel her life was stagnating, including our love life. But instead of simply talking about it to me, she let it fester and bottle up until she became extremely distant all summer, leading up to eventually cheating on me. She said she got caught up in the moment, but it seems like a calculated decision in my book. No explanation is going to suffice and ever going to be enough, though.
You will NEVER look at her the same. But you may be able to push past this. It depends on the situation, specifics, etc. Even months after my ex cheated on me when I was overseas, I would bring it up during arguments. I couldn't help it. Who was she to argue with me or call me out on something when she had so thoroughly destroyed me a few months earlier? You have to push past that. Think of this other guy as an inanimate object. Don't think of him as some guy walking around out there and screwed your girlfriend.
The real trial here will be her. 90 percent of relationships that have had infidelity fail. Why? Because the person who cheated has to be so loving, caring, and thoughtful to you that it often becomes a full time job. When it gets tough, they tend to back off and that's when things go down hill. You aren't getting the love and focus of her attention that you need to get over this, and she is getting fed up with trying to always comfort you. If you decide to try and make it work, most of this relies on her and if she wants to make the effort. If she doesn't, then tell her to piss off, hit the gym, and go find a new hottie. She isn't worth your time if she doesn't want to help you rebuild that trust and loyalty that she has so thoroughly shattered.
Seriously though... I've had the same thing happen to me. Two long-term girlfriends, one of which I lived with and was about to propose to (had the ring), cheated on me. Bitches broke my heart. The second one especially hurt because I truly thought she was the one. Both times I was completely devastated, and felt like I had no choice but to move on. I couldn't trust them anymore. I didn't realize it at the time, but moving on from those two cheating bitches was one of the best things that could've ever happened to me. I went on to meet my wife, whom is better to/for me than both of those girls ever could've been..
