What are you looking for/get out of a relationship?
I read something a while ago that I thought made sense, that guys and girls generally have a different kind of relationship with their friends. I don't know how true it is but it feels like girls talk a lot more about "deep" stuff with their friends, of personal problems, relationship problems, life in general? The theory was that guys generally don't have that with their friends and when they meet a girl they mistake that deeper more personal talk as interest or they become interested themselves because they never had that and it's what they're looking for, and that's why guy-girl friendships can be tricky.
I'm a guy and although I have great, close friends that I've been with for 10+ years I think it's somewhat true that we don't talk about stuff like that, at least not much. And it's also true that that close and intimate relationship is a big part as to why I would want one, and I'm just guessing here but I think many guys think that's the whole point/purpose of one. So my question is what is it that you get out of/look for in a relationship if you can fill that need for closeness from somewhere else, and do you think there's some truth to the theory? I've seen a lot of comments about people needing to take the time to figure out what they're looking for or include that in an OLD profile. I'm confused because I don't feel like I have some specific trait or traits I'm looking for and I don't really understand the point of narrowing myself to something specific like "must love dogs", "enjoys the outdoors", or "enjoys reading".
I want be be with someone who cares about me and treats me well. I want to be seen, known, and loved. After that it doesn't matter to me whether she is a rocket scientist or a theater nerd. I don't really care about common interests because I believe that, if you really care about each other, you'll find new things together along the way. I'm happy being the sole breadwinner, a stay at home dad, or both of us working. I see the value in stating whether you want kids or not, maybe that's what people are talking about? If not, what is it that people mean when they say you should take the time to figure out what you're looking for in a partner? What am I just not understanding here?
For reference: I'm somewhere in the process of getting a divorce and I don't feel like I can ethically date at this point so there's no profile to look over or something; I haven't received any negative feedback. I'm just trying to be proactive so that when I finally feel like I can ethically date I've done the work I need to do. Do you believe in the whole "love will find a way to find you when you're not looking" or expecting it to come thing or do you think you have to actively pursue it? I've just been watching a video on YouTube about how a lot of young men are leaving society, and this is something I've very recently done as well.
I had to really weight up the pros and cons of doing this, but last week I decided to unfollow every girl on my Instagram account. It's not because I'm misogynistic, because I'm not that at all. It's more to do with how the average man is shown how easily disposable he is. How dating apps have completely ruined the dating market. There's a lot more reasons as to why I've just decided to go my own way.
The constant feeling of wanting affection all stems from social media. I came to the realisation that I'm doing nothing but wasting my time by talking to girls that only want to talk on Instagram, but wouldn't even pick up the phone for a call, let alone meet up. It's a waste of time watching their stories and liking their pictures, because that's time and effort that I could be putting towards my hobbies.
A few years ago I noticed that the majority conversations surrounding relationships fall into one of two categories. They are typically either super negative conversations focusing on divorce, infidelity, celebrity scandals, etc. Or they are hyper-emotional, and unrealistic stories like those seen in Twilight, Disney movies, The Bachelor.
I got really sick of being force fed these warped and unrealistic expectations of love. I didn't think Chris Brown, Athony Weiner, or Tiger Woods deserved to be the spokespeople for relationships... but they seemed to be the only ones getting any relationship-related air time. So, rather than complain about it, I figured I'd hunt down the most amazing couples I could find and give them the microphone.
My hope was that through talking to these couples, some patterns would emerge... or that I would at least get some pro tips on how to have a successful long-term relationship for myself down the road.
I was not prepared for the world that I was about to discover, or amazing stories I was about to be exposed to.
I've interviewed gay couples, straight couples, rich couples, poor couples, religious couples, atheist couples, couples who have been together for a short time, and couples who have been together for over 70 years. I've even interviewed couples in arranged marriages and polygamous couples,
Want to know what I learned? Ask me anything.
If you're interested in listening to some of the interviews, you can check them out here.
I hate dinner and a movie. It's a copout. Eating average food in a noisy restaurant surrounded by strangers, followed by sitting for 3 hours in a dark room in silence doesn't make anyones relationship more interesting. It doesn't build connection. It doesn't create memories.
I'm a 23 year old guy, and I don't think this subject is talked about anywhere near as much as it should be. But why is that? This is a problem that will only get worse over time, and the stats for that don't lie either. To those who say: 'Love will find you when you stop looking for it.'
When I got divorced, I was single for the first time in 5 years, and it was kind of scary. I reached out to several people I knew, asking for advice, and repeatedly got the advice ‘don’t go out seeking romance, it will come to you when you least expect it’. This is terrible advice to give to a man. It’s just not applicable. This is the kind of advice that mothers give their daughters because they don’t want them to be slutty. It applies to women because the social scene revolves around women. The more attractive a woman is, the more guys she has trying to buy her drinks and take her to dinner, and if she said yes to all of them, she would end up being a huge whore. So giving this advice to a young woman is basically like saying: ‘Don’t just go out with anyone, play coy and really feel them out, so you don’t waste your time with a bunch of douchebags.’ Men on the other hand, have to play the opposite position. We will generally be ignored unless we initiate something. And I know this, mostly because all of those people who told me ‘don’t go out seeking romance’ didn’t realize they were preaching to the choir. In college, I worked two jobs and kept mostly to myself. I didn’t have the time or money for relationships, so I was alone for several sexless years. Then, the first time a moderately attractive woman showed even a tiny bit of interest in me, it lead to my first marriage, an abusive relationship which involved me giving up everything I loved, losing most of my money, and eventually being cheated on and abandoned. And the reason I put up with all of that was because I’d been alone for so long that it made me cling to any romantic opportunity, no matter how incompatible or unhealthy it was. This is what the universe put on my plate without my asking for or seeking romance. So, as near as I can tell, people dispense this bad romantic advice for three reasons: 1) They don’t want any more douchey guys running around the scene trying to get laid than there already are. 2) They want to keep men single for so long that it puts women on a pedestal in their mind, and thus willing to put up with a lot of abuse in the name of keeping the rare relationship alive. 3) They are simply protecting their own supply of potential lovers from would-be competitors. So, contrary to the ‘have faith that the universe will provide love for you’ advice, which is total BS, I offer this advice: Be introspective enough to know what you want and what you don’t want out of a woman. If you come to know a girl you are attracted to on more than just a physical level, try to initiate romance with her. If she rejects you, move on. Don’t be single any longer than you have to, because it will make you isolated and weird. Once you are in a relationship, don’t overvalue it to the point where you are willing to put up with abuse in the name of not being alone. If a lover proves herself to be incompatible with your dreams and goals in life, don’t be afraid to dump her and find someone who is a better fit. If you are not pro-active in your social life, you will end up with scraps and leftovers, the kind of lovers no one else wants, or worse yet, no one at all! The universe is not going to deliver your soul-mate to you any more than someone will just give you the badass job/car/house you’ve always wanted. You have to know what you want and go out and take it, often in defiance of competitors who want the same opportunities you do. This is the most pragmatic advice I can think to give a single man.
I'm a guy and although I have great, close friends that I've been with for 10+ years I think it's somewhat true that we don't talk about stuff like that, at least not much. And it's also true that that close and intimate relationship is a big part as to why I would want one, and I'm just guessing here but I think many guys think that's the whole point/purpose of one. So my question is what is it that you get out of/look for in a relationship if you can fill that need for closeness from somewhere else, and do you think there's some truth to the theory? I've seen a lot of comments about people needing to take the time to figure out what they're looking for or include that in an OLD profile. I'm confused because I don't feel like I have some specific trait or traits I'm looking for and I don't really understand the point of narrowing myself to something specific like "must love dogs", "enjoys the outdoors", or "enjoys reading".
I want be be with someone who cares about me and treats me well. I want to be seen, known, and loved. After that it doesn't matter to me whether she is a rocket scientist or a theater nerd. I don't really care about common interests because I believe that, if you really care about each other, you'll find new things together along the way. I'm happy being the sole breadwinner, a stay at home dad, or both of us working. I see the value in stating whether you want kids or not, maybe that's what people are talking about? If not, what is it that people mean when they say you should take the time to figure out what you're looking for in a partner? What am I just not understanding here?
For reference: I'm somewhere in the process of getting a divorce and I don't feel like I can ethically date at this point so there's no profile to look over or something; I haven't received any negative feedback. I'm just trying to be proactive so that when I finally feel like I can ethically date I've done the work I need to do. Do you believe in the whole "love will find a way to find you when you're not looking" or expecting it to come thing or do you think you have to actively pursue it? I've just been watching a video on YouTube about how a lot of young men are leaving society, and this is something I've very recently done as well.
I had to really weight up the pros and cons of doing this, but last week I decided to unfollow every girl on my Instagram account. It's not because I'm misogynistic, because I'm not that at all. It's more to do with how the average man is shown how easily disposable he is. How dating apps have completely ruined the dating market. There's a lot more reasons as to why I've just decided to go my own way.
The constant feeling of wanting affection all stems from social media. I came to the realisation that I'm doing nothing but wasting my time by talking to girls that only want to talk on Instagram, but wouldn't even pick up the phone for a call, let alone meet up. It's a waste of time watching their stories and liking their pictures, because that's time and effort that I could be putting towards my hobbies.
A few years ago I noticed that the majority conversations surrounding relationships fall into one of two categories. They are typically either super negative conversations focusing on divorce, infidelity, celebrity scandals, etc. Or they are hyper-emotional, and unrealistic stories like those seen in Twilight, Disney movies, The Bachelor.
I got really sick of being force fed these warped and unrealistic expectations of love. I didn't think Chris Brown, Athony Weiner, or Tiger Woods deserved to be the spokespeople for relationships... but they seemed to be the only ones getting any relationship-related air time. So, rather than complain about it, I figured I'd hunt down the most amazing couples I could find and give them the microphone.
My hope was that through talking to these couples, some patterns would emerge... or that I would at least get some pro tips on how to have a successful long-term relationship for myself down the road.
I was not prepared for the world that I was about to discover, or amazing stories I was about to be exposed to.
I've interviewed gay couples, straight couples, rich couples, poor couples, religious couples, atheist couples, couples who have been together for a short time, and couples who have been together for over 70 years. I've even interviewed couples in arranged marriages and polygamous couples,
Want to know what I learned? Ask me anything.
If you're interested in listening to some of the interviews, you can check them out here.
I hate dinner and a movie. It's a copout. Eating average food in a noisy restaurant surrounded by strangers, followed by sitting for 3 hours in a dark room in silence doesn't make anyones relationship more interesting. It doesn't build connection. It doesn't create memories.
I'm a 23 year old guy, and I don't think this subject is talked about anywhere near as much as it should be. But why is that? This is a problem that will only get worse over time, and the stats for that don't lie either. To those who say: 'Love will find you when you stop looking for it.'
When I got divorced, I was single for the first time in 5 years, and it was kind of scary. I reached out to several people I knew, asking for advice, and repeatedly got the advice ‘don’t go out seeking romance, it will come to you when you least expect it’. This is terrible advice to give to a man. It’s just not applicable. This is the kind of advice that mothers give their daughters because they don’t want them to be slutty. It applies to women because the social scene revolves around women. The more attractive a woman is, the more guys she has trying to buy her drinks and take her to dinner, and if she said yes to all of them, she would end up being a huge whore. So giving this advice to a young woman is basically like saying: ‘Don’t just go out with anyone, play coy and really feel them out, so you don’t waste your time with a bunch of douchebags.’ Men on the other hand, have to play the opposite position. We will generally be ignored unless we initiate something. And I know this, mostly because all of those people who told me ‘don’t go out seeking romance’ didn’t realize they were preaching to the choir. In college, I worked two jobs and kept mostly to myself. I didn’t have the time or money for relationships, so I was alone for several sexless years. Then, the first time a moderately attractive woman showed even a tiny bit of interest in me, it lead to my first marriage, an abusive relationship which involved me giving up everything I loved, losing most of my money, and eventually being cheated on and abandoned. And the reason I put up with all of that was because I’d been alone for so long that it made me cling to any romantic opportunity, no matter how incompatible or unhealthy it was. This is what the universe put on my plate without my asking for or seeking romance. So, as near as I can tell, people dispense this bad romantic advice for three reasons: 1) They don’t want any more douchey guys running around the scene trying to get laid than there already are. 2) They want to keep men single for so long that it puts women on a pedestal in their mind, and thus willing to put up with a lot of abuse in the name of keeping the rare relationship alive. 3) They are simply protecting their own supply of potential lovers from would-be competitors. So, contrary to the ‘have faith that the universe will provide love for you’ advice, which is total BS, I offer this advice: Be introspective enough to know what you want and what you don’t want out of a woman. If you come to know a girl you are attracted to on more than just a physical level, try to initiate romance with her. If she rejects you, move on. Don’t be single any longer than you have to, because it will make you isolated and weird. Once you are in a relationship, don’t overvalue it to the point where you are willing to put up with abuse in the name of not being alone. If a lover proves herself to be incompatible with your dreams and goals in life, don’t be afraid to dump her and find someone who is a better fit. If you are not pro-active in your social life, you will end up with scraps and leftovers, the kind of lovers no one else wants, or worse yet, no one at all! The universe is not going to deliver your soul-mate to you any more than someone will just give you the badass job/car/house you’ve always wanted. You have to know what you want and go out and take it, often in defiance of competitors who want the same opportunities you do. This is the most pragmatic advice I can think to give a single man.
