How can I find a girlfriend?

I need expert advice. The last time I was in a relationship was in 2012. I've been alone ever since.

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Club one of us ladies in the head out of earshot and view of others, keep her someplace til she's all "Yay I love you" and Bob's your uncle. 😏

**Side note**
Listening to me could possibly lead to your incarceration, proceed with much caution and stuff.