Why Do I Keep Trying To Push People Out Of My Life ?
As of the past few months I've been overcome with the desire to cut every tie I have with everyone around me. I had just graduated about 2 months back from high school and since then it's only been getting worse.
An example of this is with my friends, I've been avoiding them in every way possible and when they text me, I reply with the bare minimum and I keep trying to reply with dead end replies. I've even gone to the point of blocking their numbers and I'm not even sure why. It's not like they are bad people or like they are bad friends, on the contrary, they seem to want to hang out with me plenty. Several weeks ago my friend told me he was sad because after graduating, he doesn't get to spend time with us ( my other friends ) anymore, and he was lonely and he told me that I was an important friend and that he hopes I'll never leave his life. Normally, one would expect to be over the moon to find a friend who loves you so much. But for some reason, I felt almost repulsed by it and if anything, I've been even more distant since. It's not that I'm uncomfortable with people getting close, it's like I just don't want him to say it and I want to burn the bridges. Just today another friend asked if we could hang out sometime and what I did was too immediately delete the message and I haven't even replied to it yet. I feel so bad for doing this but it's like I just want no more connection with anyone.
Thing is, it's not only happening with my friends, I've been like this to my parents too. Just a few days ago I announced to them about something I was going to do and they were super supportive about it. But it's like my brain isn't functioning right and my initial response was disappointment. I was angry at them for some reason and I was feeling down for the entire day for no good reason. My parents are both amazing people and they've done everything to support me and they've given me no reason to want to distant myself from them. But every time I see them it's like I just shut the door on them. I shut down and barely respond. These days at dinner I can get by and not even say a single word, I've been saying almost nothing to them at all for months and I snap at them for very petty things. Somehow, I almost want to run away from them, and I can't begin to understand why.
I've also noticed my social anxiety has taken a plummet in the recent years because these days I can barely get shaky hands from just simply paying for something at the store. I can feel myself shutting off from the world and I spend almost all my time in my room now. I know what I'm doing is so wrong and there's not even a good reason for it. But I can't seem to help it when my initial response to everyone and everything is for them to go away.
I don't know where else I can ask this because like I said, I've been distant from everything around me and I just would love some insight into why I'm such a horrible person.
An example of this is with my friends, I've been avoiding them in every way possible and when they text me, I reply with the bare minimum and I keep trying to reply with dead end replies. I've even gone to the point of blocking their numbers and I'm not even sure why. It's not like they are bad people or like they are bad friends, on the contrary, they seem to want to hang out with me plenty. Several weeks ago my friend told me he was sad because after graduating, he doesn't get to spend time with us ( my other friends ) anymore, and he was lonely and he told me that I was an important friend and that he hopes I'll never leave his life. Normally, one would expect to be over the moon to find a friend who loves you so much. But for some reason, I felt almost repulsed by it and if anything, I've been even more distant since. It's not that I'm uncomfortable with people getting close, it's like I just don't want him to say it and I want to burn the bridges. Just today another friend asked if we could hang out sometime and what I did was too immediately delete the message and I haven't even replied to it yet. I feel so bad for doing this but it's like I just want no more connection with anyone.
Thing is, it's not only happening with my friends, I've been like this to my parents too. Just a few days ago I announced to them about something I was going to do and they were super supportive about it. But it's like my brain isn't functioning right and my initial response was disappointment. I was angry at them for some reason and I was feeling down for the entire day for no good reason. My parents are both amazing people and they've done everything to support me and they've given me no reason to want to distant myself from them. But every time I see them it's like I just shut the door on them. I shut down and barely respond. These days at dinner I can get by and not even say a single word, I've been saying almost nothing to them at all for months and I snap at them for very petty things. Somehow, I almost want to run away from them, and I can't begin to understand why.
I've also noticed my social anxiety has taken a plummet in the recent years because these days I can barely get shaky hands from just simply paying for something at the store. I can feel myself shutting off from the world and I spend almost all my time in my room now. I know what I'm doing is so wrong and there's not even a good reason for it. But I can't seem to help it when my initial response to everyone and everything is for them to go away.
I don't know where else I can ask this because like I said, I've been distant from everything around me and I just would love some insight into why I'm such a horrible person.
22-25, M
