What's your take on open marriages ?

@EnigmaticGeek Erotic love is based on the notion of exclusivity. To overcome the idea that partners can freely choose to love others requires an ability to compartmentalise emotions, which perhaps eludes most people.

@EnigmaticGeek it's not love

@SW-User Well, I must have missed the memo about erotic love requiring exclusivity. While almost all of my own relationships have been monogamous, I didn't require them to be, nor did some of the women with whom I was involved--it was just how most of my relationships evolved.

My last marriage, however, was apparently half-open, a fact which I didn't learn until 6 months after my now ex-wife and I had separated. I still don't understand why she chose to cheat when she knew that I would have been okay with an open marriage had she told me that she wanted one.

@SW-User It was for me.

@EnigmaticGeek I doubt you've loved anyone

@SW-User I'm certain you don't know me.

@EnigmaticGeek I am with you . Cheating should not be an option . What I am talking about is an honest open marriage where your partner is well aware about your interest to explore outside marriage but yet stay committed . Half-open should never be an option and both partners should have the freedom to explore .

@SW-User I agree with you here. when my ex and I first met and were dating, she lived a 4-hour drive away from me, so we only saw each other on weekends. I was aware that she had a BF in her hometown, and she knew that I saw other girls during the week, on rare occasions. After she moved in with me and we got married, I told her that I would still be okay with an open relationship or marriage, and to let me know if she wanted such. She said she would, but at that time, I was all the man she needed, as she put it.

So, I was somewhat surprised to learn from a mutual friend after we split that she'd been banging at least 6 other guys almost the entire time we were married, three of whom I knew personally, and I even knew two of the three's wives.

@SW-User Most people just live through their unhappy marriages, lying to each other. The husbands cheat on their wives with cheap women. The wives have no freedom and have affairs with servants and drivers . So a honest and happy open marriage should always be a better choice .

@EnigmaticGeek We live in a social system that treats monogamy as the only natural, legitimate, and inevitable relationship style. This means that most of us have some degree of pro-monogamy bias that encourages us to think of monogamous, heterosexual relationship as an unequivocal social and relational good.

In the age of social media and apps that encourage adults to explore their sexuality with less inhibitions, maybe it is time to think the unthinkable, that some people who are in polyamorous relationships are not deviant psychopaths!

@SW-User I agree 100% here.

I have concluded that it is an incredibly rare thing for two people to be so well-matched that each of them can meet all of the other's needs, sexually, emotionally, and otherwise. Monogamy therefore ends up being a type of self-destructive behavior, which may explain why most marriages end in divorce.

@EnigmaticGeek Exactly !

Polyamory or ‘open relationship’ sounds exciting, but one needs to carefully consider the idea that their partner can freely choose to love others.

Monogamy is so last season. It’s passe. The latest subversive sexual practice and new kid on the block appears to be polyamory. Polyamory is consensual non-monogamy. A more popular term for it is “open relationship”, which all of us have heard being discussed in hushed tones at cocktail parties about a couple that a friend of a friend knows. It is important to distinguish polyamory from adultery or infidelity. Consent of all partners and openness are the key features of polyamory.

@SW-User I agree there, too. I would have had no problem with my ex fucking those other guys if she had been honest about it. As I found out only after we were already separated, I wasn't shocked, because I left her when I realized that she lied to me about wanting children with me when we first got together, and then she never stopped taking her BC pills the whole time we were married. Now that I know she was banging other guys, I guess it was good that she stayed on them, as any child she conceived would have likely not been mine. I guess it was easy for her to cheat since it apparently was easy for her to lie about wanting children.

@EnigmaticGeek I feel sorry that your relationship ended . May be in a similar situation you could just try to draw your partner more closer to you . Sometimes its inevitable for a man to respect women's choices but still he can go out of the box to earn her love an appreciation . The distractions will slowly vanish then . I wish you the very best .

@SW-User Thank you. I thought we were both happy. I was happy, until I finally realized that I would never have children if I remained with her. I finally figured that out when she went behind my back and sabotaged the placement of a foster child with us, whom we could have adopted after 6 months.

@EnigmaticGeek Okay . Did you sit down and discuss with her on that ? Sometimes it helps . May be it would have been better to understand things from her view point as well . Remember , children are a gift of our love and bonding . So focus should be on making the woman you love happy and the results is bound to follow .

@SW-User I thought the whole time that she was happy, too. I finally figured out that everything she ever told me for as long as I'd known her was only what she thought I wanted to hear, no matter if it was the truth or not.

Without honesty in a relationship, there is no foundation upon which to build anything. My biggest regret now is that I wasted 16 years of my life with her, and now I'm single again, 57 years old, and I still want a family more than anything, but there are very few women who would even consider creating a family with a guy my age, no matter how healthy and young at heart and mind I am.

@EnigmaticGeek Come on . Don't feel depressed . May be whatever happened happened for good .
Never consider that your 16 years of life has been wasted . One thing I want to suggest you is not to be judgemental . What you figured out may not be what it is exactly . Atleast for once hear her side of story .
From what you said , and what I could understand is that you want children . So why not still be in a relationship with her and request her not to take those pills ? Let her explore fun but be committed to you ?
But one this that you should always make sure from your side is to honor and respect her ...that includes respecting her choices .
Its easier to break a relationship but difficult to create one .

@SW-User When I realized how much she had lied to me, I lost all respect for her. Dishonesty is one trait I will not tolerate in people, because I do not lie to people, myself.

There is zero chance she and I will ever get back together. We aren't even on speaking terms anymore.

It was not easy to break our relationship, because I knew I'd be forfeiting all the time we were together, for which I can never get a refund.

When we first met, she was 32 and I was 41. She's now 48. if she wanted children, she would have had them by now. She got a cat, instead.

@SW-User it is better than cheating - absolutely

@EnigmaticGeek I know you are describing what I'd call like

@SW-User Like...?

@EnigmaticGeek yes, like. I think a lot of what we call 'love' is actually like

My work mate took up with a guy who was 55 when she was early 30s and they now have two kids

@SW-User Well, I really did love my ex--more than any other girl I'd ever met, until I finally realized how much she had lied to me. She hurt me more than any other woman I've ever known.

I'm happy for your workmate and her guy. <3

@EnigmaticGeek yes it sounds it - sorry for saying it wrong - I just meant that having someone as 'secondary' doesn't seem consistent with truly loving them - more liking them


Yes, I seem to see it a lot - I think it must be possible for you. After all it only takes once (to meet the right gal)