All out of life boats
I stepped away from the relationship a few weeks ago. I don't even feel like typing out the full reason why anymore to catch you up on why. It just feels like a waste of time now.
Ultimately, I told him I needed time to continue working on myself. But in all honesty, I feel that I'm ready for a real relationship. I did it this way, because in the past when I told him I was leaving because of how he made me feel or because of his lack of responding to my needs (ex. The occasional dinner, more quality time, having him share what he liked about me outside of my physical body or appearance), he didn't seem to receive or accept it well. Finally, when told him I was leaving because it was about me, not him, he backed off. I guess he needed that in some way. Maybe that idea fits better with his reality.
Anyways, I told him we could be friends, but the more I look back on the thingd he said to me, and the way he didn't prioritize me in the relationship, the less I feel that is true. I don't think I want to be his friend.
When I told him I was leaving to work on myself, he said that he would still love me and still wait for me when I'm ready. I truly never felt the love that he is talking about. I wish I had.
Anyways, the less we talk, the less connected I feel to him, and I havent reached out to start conversation in a long time. Since I haven't been making moves to talk, we really haven't lately. I was the glue for our relationship.
But today he sent me a text before his usual bedtime, stating that he realized he hadn't sent me a song in a while. Here it is:
[media=https://youtu.be/zfglpSSzvqg]
I think in his eyes this song is romantic. At the beginning of our relationship, I would latch onto the songs that he sent me and feel them as if I were the lyricist or as if he were singing them to me. They felt like they were building our love story. But this time the song only reminds me of why we will never work.
In this song, the singer talks about how they are adrift in the ocean, wondering whether their lover wants them or not, and that they are waiting in what feels like an ocean of sharks. The two partners circle each other, maybe to fall in love or not. The singer says it is up to the other to decide.
"It's out of my control, you set the play in motion. Couldn't be a bigger ocean. Tell me, darling, is this what you want?"
I believe he thinks this is romantic, and noble even... maybe. His idea of 'waiting' for me. But that is what infuriates me and pushes me further away. It seemed that the ball was always in my court in the relationship. I would toss it to his side and he wouldn't pick it up. He would just wait there. I felt like I was playing the game by myself. Every play on me. Every win or loss decided by me.
I need a partner who is as in the game as I am. If he wanted me to stay he should have fought for it by showing up in the ways that I needed him to. Waiting around and making zero changes to himself fixes nothing and changes nothing about where we left off.
Ultimately, I told him I needed time to continue working on myself. But in all honesty, I feel that I'm ready for a real relationship. I did it this way, because in the past when I told him I was leaving because of how he made me feel or because of his lack of responding to my needs (ex. The occasional dinner, more quality time, having him share what he liked about me outside of my physical body or appearance), he didn't seem to receive or accept it well. Finally, when told him I was leaving because it was about me, not him, he backed off. I guess he needed that in some way. Maybe that idea fits better with his reality.
Anyways, I told him we could be friends, but the more I look back on the thingd he said to me, and the way he didn't prioritize me in the relationship, the less I feel that is true. I don't think I want to be his friend.
When I told him I was leaving to work on myself, he said that he would still love me and still wait for me when I'm ready. I truly never felt the love that he is talking about. I wish I had.
Anyways, the less we talk, the less connected I feel to him, and I havent reached out to start conversation in a long time. Since I haven't been making moves to talk, we really haven't lately. I was the glue for our relationship.
But today he sent me a text before his usual bedtime, stating that he realized he hadn't sent me a song in a while. Here it is:
[media=https://youtu.be/zfglpSSzvqg]
I think in his eyes this song is romantic. At the beginning of our relationship, I would latch onto the songs that he sent me and feel them as if I were the lyricist or as if he were singing them to me. They felt like they were building our love story. But this time the song only reminds me of why we will never work.
In this song, the singer talks about how they are adrift in the ocean, wondering whether their lover wants them or not, and that they are waiting in what feels like an ocean of sharks. The two partners circle each other, maybe to fall in love or not. The singer says it is up to the other to decide.
"It's out of my control, you set the play in motion. Couldn't be a bigger ocean. Tell me, darling, is this what you want?"
I believe he thinks this is romantic, and noble even... maybe. His idea of 'waiting' for me. But that is what infuriates me and pushes me further away. It seemed that the ball was always in my court in the relationship. I would toss it to his side and he wouldn't pick it up. He would just wait there. I felt like I was playing the game by myself. Every play on me. Every win or loss decided by me.
I need a partner who is as in the game as I am. If he wanted me to stay he should have fought for it by showing up in the ways that I needed him to. Waiting around and making zero changes to himself fixes nothing and changes nothing about where we left off.
31-35, F
