Toxic relationship

I keep romanticizing our relationship but ultimately, there were so many problems and arguments. I was exhausted. I got to a point where I didn’t even want to talk. I was drinking all the time. I never felt enough. I’m desperate to have some of it back. But I also recognize how toxic it was. I don’t know when I’ll truly be able to let it go. Clearly a year isn’t long enough. But eventually, I have to. I think that’s why it’s hitting me harder lately is knowing it really is over. I tried to tell myself we’re just taking a break cause we’d always do this but always get back together. But no, it’s really over. And I can write that, say it out loud, and still struggle to process it. I’m just not there yet.