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Is it acceptable that I feel like this?

Sometimes I just don’t see the point of being in a relationship. It feels like I’m constantly giving and barely getting anything back, to the point where being alone just feels safer. I’ve ended up in this caregiving routine. Staying up late for work, but still forcing myself up early to cook him breakfast, bought groceries, making dinner, and fixing things around the house myself. I really do appreciate the vacation he planned for us, but on a day-to-day level, nothing actually changed from when I was single. Except now, instead of just carrying my own weight, I feel responsible for his too. I thought a partnership meant sharing the load, but right now it feels like my burdens are mine alone, plus I'm carrying his.

It really bugs me when he jokes about me being a 'strong independent woman.' I mean, I am, I pay my own bills, I cover my own mortgage, and I fix things around the house myself. On paper, living without him is honestly easier. But I didn't get into a relationship just to keep doing everything on my own. I wanted someone I could actually lean on. The way things are between us right now, I just don't feel like I can trust him to be that person.

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Kiesel · 56-60, M

Absolutely acceptable to feel how you you’re feeling….🥺

BlueVeins · 26-30

Yeah that's obviously not sustainable. You two need to sit down and talk about a more reasonable division of labor. There's no reason why you should be doing all the housework if you both work. He can eat cereal if he doesn't want to ever cook breakfast.

SouthernGuy1987 · 36-40, M

How long have y'all been together?

Menetics · 26-30, F

@SouthernGuy1987 4 -5 years

DunningKruger · 61-69, M

Have you had this discussion with him? If not then you should before you decide anything. If you have and he hasn't changed, then DTMFA.

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Menetics · 26-30, F

@BlueVeins I’ll talk to him about it. Thanks.

DunningKruger · 61-69, M

@Menetics I think what @BlueVeins has said makes sense. Make the distribution of chores more programmatic and formal so he knows specifically what is expected of him and he doesn't have to figure it out on his own. Work with him on it so that you're not parenting him, you're partnering with. him. "These are the tasks that regularly need to get done during the week. What do you want to add to the list, and which ones are you willing to commit to doing?"

BlueVeins · 26-30

@Menetics If he's not open to that, it might not be the worst idea to just live in separate apartments.

Abraxas · 26-30, M

Whatever works for you guys is what is up and i can't pressume. If you're fine doing housework or take pride in it, that's great. If you do not enjoy doing it and feel that it's unfair since you also work, that's also valid, and you guys have to work on a compromise. If he isn't willing to compromise, that's not good. What do you want to be doing, what do you want him to be doing, and what does he wanna be doing and have you doing, and can both of you find the best balance of all of that so your interests are met?

I know that may be super generic advice since all I really said was "find a compromise" and it's like "well duh". But that said, most comments on here are probably just jumping to conclusions based on a single post, and possibly giving you terrible advice. In reality, the details are things only you and him can know, so what truly matters is if he's as willing to put your happiness on the same pedastool you put his. That is what is important.

Sit down with him and discuss it. It is the only way to make things change. If he won't do the things you ask then tell him he has to go. It cannot continue like this.
From a guys perspective, if a lady wants to do everything herself that is better for him, then he can just sit with a beer and watch the game and be content.
Make a list of the things that are his responsibility, tell him, make him do it.

GoFish · 41-45, F

if you feel like its just a one sided relationship where you are only giving and he's only taking then you might want to cut your losses and move on from him

Somerset · 31-35, M

It sounds like you are pursuing a role which doesnt fit you.

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Menetics · 26-30, F

@Somerset It’s a mix of both. I feel responsible to do the caregiving but he’d also tell me that it’s my job as a ‘wife’ or as a woman to do all these things for him.

Somerset · 31-35, M

@Menetics Okay, just so you know, ABSOLUTELY NOT youre the woman and have to.
That is some very harmful, backwards, misogynistic idea.

BlueVeins · 26-30

@Menetics The same gender roles which would require you to do all the housework would require him to contribute all the money.

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