SlapHappy · 36-40, M
I think it's ALWAYS hard when the other person moves on first; as in now in a new relationship. You probably need to focus on what ended the relationship in the first place & why you made that decision. Most of us are hurt & therefore angry when a breakup happens. You had some regrets & apologized gracefully & his response was appropriate. Now it's over & time for you to move on. Allow yourself time to process but look forward to what opportunities lie ahead. Looking backward too long only keeps you stuck.
Alifeinterrupted · 31-35, F
@SlapHappy Thank you for this. I think you're right. Seeing that he's moved on has definitely been one of the hardest parts, and I didn't realize how much the finality of it all would affect me. I know why the relationship ended, and I know it wasn't right for either of us. I think my heart is just taking longer than my mind to catch up. I really appreciate your kindness and perspective.
Mamapolo2016 · F
1) Yes, it does.
2) yes and no. The truth is that when we have been hurtful or cruel, we’re not looking for closure. We’re looking for absolution.
3) The separation is final. There’s nothing he wants that you can do. He doesn’t plan to offer anything he can do that you want. Give it up. Let it go. He was yours for a time, but not anymore. Surrendering the illusion of ownership is difficult for most of us. We begin to question if we ever had ownership and the answer is, no, we didn’t. The only possible gain from this is, even in anger or hurt, don’t take the ‘scorched earth’ option. Don’t try to convince him that he owes you something so you can feel better.
It’s a big ocean and there are many fish. Find your fish.
2) yes and no. The truth is that when we have been hurtful or cruel, we’re not looking for closure. We’re looking for absolution.
3) The separation is final. There’s nothing he wants that you can do. He doesn’t plan to offer anything he can do that you want. Give it up. Let it go. He was yours for a time, but not anymore. Surrendering the illusion of ownership is difficult for most of us. We begin to question if we ever had ownership and the answer is, no, we didn’t. The only possible gain from this is, even in anger or hurt, don’t take the ‘scorched earth’ option. Don’t try to convince him that he owes you something so you can feel better.
It’s a big ocean and there are many fish. Find your fish.
Alifeinterrupted · 31-35, F
@Mamapolo2016 Thank you. I appreciate your perspective, especially what you said about not choosing the "scorched earth" option. Looking back, I definitely regret some of the things I said and did, and I think that's why taking accountability felt so important to me. I know the relationship is over, and I think what I'm grieving most now is the finality of it all.
Mamapolo2016 · F
@Alifeinterrupted If you let it, this too will pass. I tell you this as a widow. It’s like surviving an earthquake but losing what was most important to you.
Think about a terrible car wreck and you drove up to it right after it happened. It’s a common reaction to scream and cry, but it’s not a reaction that helps anybody. Calm and deliberate is useful THEN. Afterward you analyze it, what you did or didn’t do, and what you COULD have done. That’s what life essentially is, learning to deal with disaster and joy and giving each equal attention.
If, three months from now, you are still burdened with past mistakes, it’s time to stop licking wounds and live again. Get out of the house. If someone asks you for coffee, say yes. Curtail your time to brood. It was a chapter. Life is a book,
Think about a terrible car wreck and you drove up to it right after it happened. It’s a common reaction to scream and cry, but it’s not a reaction that helps anybody. Calm and deliberate is useful THEN. Afterward you analyze it, what you did or didn’t do, and what you COULD have done. That’s what life essentially is, learning to deal with disaster and joy and giving each equal attention.
If, three months from now, you are still burdened with past mistakes, it’s time to stop licking wounds and live again. Get out of the house. If someone asks you for coffee, say yes. Curtail your time to brood. It was a chapter. Life is a book,
Alifeinterrupted · 31-35, F
@Mamapolo2016 Thank you so much for sharing this, especially from the perspective of someone who's experienced such profound loss. The line "It was a chapter. Life is a book." really stayed with me. Right now I think I'm still in the stage of letting my heart catch up with what my mind already knows, but I truly hope that in time I'll be able to look back on this as one chapter that helped shape me rather than define me. I really appreciate your wisdom.
Pianoman · 31-35, M
Whatever the circumstances here, you have both behaved with dignity out of respect for what you once had together, which obviously meant alot to you both. Feelings do not magically disappear: they remain with us, and it may be that at some future date you both see things more clearly. Life is full of so many unexpected twists and turns, and never say never as they say; but for now, the important thing is to accept that for whatever reason(s), your relationship is over, and it is important that you begin to let go and move on in your own life.
Loved-ones who have left us
Live on in our hearts
Reaching an acceptance
Is where the future starts
You must start to forget the intensity of former emotions in order to begin moving on from this relationship; in other words, to reach an acceptance of the situation so that you can begin to move on in your life and face the bright future which awaits you. See your friends, keep busy with all the things that you enjoy doing, and try not to obssess over what has gone before. Remember, no-one is ever to blame.
Loved-ones who have left us
Live on in our hearts
Reaching an acceptance
Is where the future starts
You must start to forget the intensity of former emotions in order to begin moving on from this relationship; in other words, to reach an acceptance of the situation so that you can begin to move on in your life and face the bright future which awaits you. See your friends, keep busy with all the things that you enjoy doing, and try not to obssess over what has gone before. Remember, no-one is ever to blame.
Alifeinterrupted · 31-35, F
@1490wayb thanks man
ShenaniganFoodie · M
Alifeinterrupted · 31-35, F
@ShenaniganFoodie Thank you. I agree that he handled it with kindness and respect, and I do intend to honour his wishes. I think what's been hardest for me isn't accepting his boundary, but accepting the finality of it all. I'm realizing that grief isn't something you can rush, and I know I just have to give it time.
ShenaniganFoodie · M
@Alifeinterrupted It's hard to move on from something you loved. BUT as I found out, it's for the best
Alifeinterrupted · 31-35, F
@cherny Thank you. I know you're right. I think I'm just in the difficult part where my head has accepted it, but my heart is still catching up. I don't want to stay stuck here or spend my life looking backward. I'm just trying to give myself permission to grieve while also taking small steps toward moving forward. I appreciate your encouragement.
@Alifeinterrupted That is all understandable but don't stay stuck so long that you miss out on other experiences
Neoerectus · M
Alifeinterrupted · 31-35, F
@Neoerectus Thank you. I really appreciate this perspective. If I'm being completely honest, reconciliation wasn't my goal, but I do think a small part of me hoped we'd at least be able to have one final conversation and part on peaceful terms. His response gave me the closure I needed, even if it wasn't the closure I wanted. Now I know the work is letting my heart catch up with that reality.
You showed interest in him again. That is like poking a red hot dagger into a piece of meat. He will be thinking about you now and that might play into his current relationship. You should have stayed away and not messaged him.
Now that you have, the best thing you can do is to stop thinking about him, you apologized, that is enough, let it go.
Now that you have, the best thing you can do is to stop thinking about him, you apologized, that is enough, let it go.
Jessmari · 46-50, T
You don't always get the most satisfying of closures when relationships end. You can't force it either. You just need to give yourself time to run this through your head and heart.
Convivial · 26-30, F
I think you have to be honest with yourself here... Was the attempted apology just an excuse to reopen comms between you?.... I don't need to know that answer but I think you need to.... Time to face the text that's it's over... Painful but time to move on... He was just practice for the real one ;)
dale74 · M
1 yes
2 yes and no part of it is realizing you hurt him and he proved he was willing to start over women in general do not want back in the relationship but women in general want him to suffer more than they are......
2 yes and no part of it is realizing you hurt him and he proved he was willing to start over women in general do not want back in the relationship but women in general want him to suffer more than they are......