I'd really appreciate some outside perspectives on this because I'm finding myself ruminating.

My ex and I broke up around seven months ago after a difficult ending. During the breakup I said some genuinely hurtful things that I deeply regret, and over the past several months I've done a lot of reflecting and wanted to take accountability for my part in how things ended.

This past Friday I reached out to ask if he'd be willing to meet so I could apologize in person. He responded kindly and respectfully, saying he appreciated my apology but that he now has a girlfriend and wants to respect that relationship, so he didn't think meeting would be appropriate. He wished me well and also said he thought this should be the only message we shared. I replied thanking him for responding, apologized anyway, wished him and his girlfriend happiness, and told him I would respect his wishes and not contact him again.

Since then, I've found myself struggling with the finality of it all. Intellectually, I know we weren't compatible and I know the relationship had to end. I wasn't reaching out to get back together. But emotionally, I'm finding myself replaying his message over and over, wondering if I meant anything to him at all and grieving the fact that this chapter is truly over.

For those who have been on either side of a situation like this:

1. Does his response come across as respectful and gracious?

2. Is what I'm experiencing a normal part of grief after finally getting closure?

3. How do you stop ruminating over a message when you know there's nothing left to change?

Mamapolo2016 · F

1) Yes, it does.

2) yes and no. The truth is that when we have been hurtful or cruel, we’re not looking for closure. We’re looking for absolution.

3) The separation is final. There’s nothing he wants that you can do. He doesn’t plan to offer anything he can do that you want. Give it up. Let it go. He was yours for a time, but not anymore. Surrendering the illusion of ownership is difficult for most of us. We begin to question if we ever had ownership and the answer is, no, we didn’t. The only possible gain from this is, even in anger or hurt, don’t take the ‘scorched earth’ option. Don’t try to convince him that he owes you something so you can feel better.

It’s a big ocean and there are many fish. Find your fish.

Alifeinterrupted · 31-35, F

@Mamapolo2016 Thank you. I appreciate your perspective, especially what you said about not choosing the "scorched earth" option. Looking back, I definitely regret some of the things I said and did, and I think that's why taking accountability felt so important to me. I know the relationship is over, and I think what I'm grieving most now is the finality of it all.

Mamapolo2016 · F

@Alifeinterrupted If you let it, this too will pass. I tell you this as a widow. It’s like surviving an earthquake but losing what was most important to you.

Think about a terrible car wreck and you drove up to it right after it happened. It’s a common reaction to scream and cry, but it’s not a reaction that helps anybody. Calm and deliberate is useful THEN. Afterward you analyze it, what you did or didn’t do, and what you COULD have done. That’s what life essentially is, learning to deal with disaster and joy and giving each equal attention.

If, three months from now, you are still burdened with past mistakes, it’s time to stop licking wounds and live again. Get out of the house. If someone asks you for coffee, say yes. Curtail your time to brood. It was a chapter. Life is a book,