Love & Attraction

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I'd really appreciate some outside perspectives on this because I'm finding myself ruminating.

My ex and I broke up around seven months ago after a difficult ending. During the breakup I said some genuinely hurtful things that I deeply regret, and over the past several months I've done a lot of reflecting and wanted to take accountability for my part in how things ended.

This past Friday I reached out to ask if he'd be willing to meet so I could apologize in person. He responded kindly and respectfully, saying he appreciated my apology but that he now has a girlfriend and wants to respect that relationship, so he didn't think meeting would be appropriate. He wished me well and also said he thought this should be the only message we shared. I replied thanking him for responding, apologized anyway, wished him and his girlfriend happiness, and told him I would respect his wishes and not contact him again.

Since then, I've found myself struggling with the finality of it all. Intellectually, I know we weren't compatible and I know the relationship had to end. I wasn't reaching out to get back together. But emotionally, I'm finding myself replaying his message over and over, wondering if I meant anything to him at all and grieving the fact that this chapter is truly over.

For those who have been on either side of a situation like this:

1. Does his response come across as respectful and gracious?

2. Is what I'm experiencing a normal part of grief after finally getting closure?

3. How do you stop ruminating over a message when you know there's nothing left to change?

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Pianoman · 31-35, M Best Comment

Whatever the circumstances here, you have both behaved with dignity out of respect for what you once had together, which obviously meant alot to you both. Feelings do not magically disappear: they remain with us, and it may be that at some future date you both see things more clearly. Life is full of so many unexpected twists and turns, and never say never as they say; but for now, the important thing is to accept that for whatever reason(s), your relationship is over, and it is important that you begin to let go and move on in your own life.
Loved-ones who have left us
Live on in our hearts
Reaching an acceptance
Is where the future starts

You must start to forget the intensity of former emotions in order to begin moving on from this relationship; in other words, to reach an acceptance of the situation so that you can begin to move on in your life and face the bright future which awaits you. See your friends, keep busy with all the things that you enjoy doing, and try not to obssess over what has gone before. Remember, no-one is ever to blame.

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Alifeinterrupted · 31-35, F

@Pianoman Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful response. I truly appreciate the encouragement and the compassion behind your words.

If I'm being completely honest, I do not want to get back together with him. Over the past several months I have spent a lot of time reflecting on our relationship, and I have come to accept that we were fundamentally incompatible in ways that would have made a long term relationship difficult. I genuinely wish him every happiness with his new relationship and sincerely hope he has found the peace and love he deserves.

For me, this journey is no longer about getting him back. It is about healing myself, understanding the unhealthy coping mechanisms and patterns that I brought into the relationship, taking accountability for the hurt I caused, and becoming a healthier and more emotionally mature person. I cannot change what happened, but I can make sure I never repeat those same mistakes with someone else.

I think what has been most difficult is not losing the relationship itself, but accepting the finality of it. There is a sadness that comes with knowing a chapter has truly closed, even when you know it is for the best. My hope now is not that our paths cross again romantically, but that I continue to grow, make peace with the past, and one day build a relationship that is healthier, more secure, and truly compatible.

Thank you again for your kindness. Your words have genuinely brought me comfort during a difficult time, and I am grateful you took the time to respond

Pianoman · 31-35, M

@Alifeinterrupted What about the mistakes he made? I'm pretty sure it wasn't just down to you that this relationship ended. Anyway, by the sounds of it, you may find that you are both able to move on and forge a genuine friendship from your shared experience, without recrimination and animosity. Maybe you owe that much to eachother. Good luck! ☺

Alifeinterrupted · 31-35, F

@Pianoman I do agree that I have probably been particularly hard on myself by focusing almost exclusively on my own part in how the relationship ended. Looking back now, I can see that we both contributed to the relationship in different ways, and we were also fundamentally different people with different communication styles and expectations. I think I have spent so much time examining my own actions because those are the only ones I have the ability to change.
As for the possibility of our paths crossing again or becoming friends, I do not think that is something I want to hold onto. As comforting as that idea might seem, I think it would keep a part of me emotionally invested in an outcome that may never happen. For me, healthy healing means accepting that this chapter has come to an end, respecting the boundaries that have been set, and allowing us both to move forward with our lives independently. If life ever has other plans, then that is beyond my control, but I do not want my healing to be built on hope that we will reconnect one day.
My focus now is simply on learning from the experience, becoming a healthier person, and carrying those lessons into whatever the future holds. I think that is the most respectful thing I can do for both of us.

Mamapolo2016 · F

1) Yes, it does.

2) yes and no. The truth is that when we have been hurtful or cruel, we’re not looking for closure. We’re looking for absolution.

3) The separation is final. There’s nothing he wants that you can do. He doesn’t plan to offer anything he can do that you want. Give it up. Let it go. He was yours for a time, but not anymore. Surrendering the illusion of ownership is difficult for most of us. We begin to question if we ever had ownership and the answer is, no, we didn’t. The only possible gain from this is, even in anger or hurt, don’t take the ‘scorched earth’ option. Don’t try to convince him that he owes you something so you can feel better.

It’s a big ocean and there are many fish. Find your fish.

Alifeinterrupted · 31-35, F

@Mamapolo2016 Thank you. I appreciate your perspective, especially what you said about not choosing the "scorched earth" option. Looking back, I definitely regret some of the things I said and did, and I think that's why taking accountability felt so important to me. I know the relationship is over, and I think what I'm grieving most now is the finality of it all.

Mamapolo2016 · F

@Alifeinterrupted If you let it, this too will pass. I tell you this as a widow. It’s like surviving an earthquake but losing what was most important to you.

Think about a terrible car wreck and you drove up to it right after it happened. It’s a common reaction to scream and cry, but it’s not a reaction that helps anybody. Calm and deliberate is useful THEN. Afterward you analyze it, what you did or didn’t do, and what you COULD have done. That’s what life essentially is, learning to deal with disaster and joy and giving each equal attention.

If, three months from now, you are still burdened with past mistakes, it’s time to stop licking wounds and live again. Get out of the house. If someone asks you for coffee, say yes. Curtail your time to brood. It was a chapter. Life is a book,

Alifeinterrupted · 31-35, F

@Mamapolo2016 Thank you so much for sharing this, especially from the perspective of someone who's experienced such profound loss. The line "It was a chapter. Life is a book." really stayed with me. Right now I think I'm still in the stage of letting my heart catch up with what my mind already knows, but I truly hope that in time I'll be able to look back on this as one chapter that helped shape me rather than define me. I really appreciate your wisdom.

SlapHappy · 36-40, M

I think it's ALWAYS hard when the other person moves on first; as in now in a new relationship. You probably need to focus on what ended the relationship in the first place & why you made that decision. Most of us are hurt & therefore angry when a breakup happens. You had some regrets & apologized gracefully & his response was appropriate. Now it's over & time for you to move on. Allow yourself time to process but look forward to what opportunities lie ahead. Looking backward too long only keeps you stuck.

Alifeinterrupted · 31-35, F

@SlapHappy Thank you for this. I think you're right. Seeing that he's moved on has definitely been one of the hardest parts, and I didn't realize how much the finality of it all would affect me. I know why the relationship ended, and I know it wasn't right for either of us. I think my heart is just taking longer than my mind to catch up. I really appreciate your kindness and perspective.

1490wayb · 61-69, M

hope you find someone else!!

Alifeinterrupted · 31-35, F

@1490wayb thanks man

ShenaniganFoodie · 41-45, M

He has been a gentleman & you MUST respect his wishes.

Hurt cuts deep & it can take a long time to heal

Alifeinterrupted · 31-35, F

@ShenaniganFoodie Thank you. I agree that he handled it with kindness and respect, and I do intend to honour his wishes. I think what's been hardest for me isn't accepting his boundary, but accepting the finality of it all. I'm realizing that grief isn't something you can rush, and I know I just have to give it time.

ShenaniganFoodie · 41-45, M

@Alifeinterrupted It's hard to move on from something you loved. BUT as I found out, it's for the best

Chern0bylplaygr0unds

Yes

Yes

It's time to move forward
It's time to free yourself of something unattainable and a waste of time ruminating on ...there will be others but not if you don't take steps to move forward

Alifeinterrupted · 31-35, F

@Chern0bylplaygr0unds Thank you. I know you're right. I think I'm just in the difficult part where my head has accepted it, but my heart is still catching up. I don't want to stay stuck here or spend my life looking backward. I'm just trying to give myself permission to grieve while also taking small steps toward moving forward. I appreciate your encouragement.

Chern0bylplaygr0unds

@Alifeinterrupted That is all understandable but don't stay stuck so long that you miss out on other experiences

Neoerectus · M

Move on. Mentally close the door.

Ask yourself if one of your reasons was an attempt to reconcile. Be honest. If so, note it to yourself and inderstand it will not happen.

Alifeinterrupted · 31-35, F

@Neoerectus Thank you. I really appreciate this perspective. If I'm being completely honest, reconciliation wasn't my goal, but I do think a small part of me hoped we'd at least be able to have one final conversation and part on peaceful terms. His response gave me the closure I needed, even if it wasn't the closure I wanted. Now I know the work is letting my heart catch up with that reality.

SoftIceCream

You showed interest in him again. That is like poking a red hot dagger into a piece of meat. He will be thinking about you now and that might play into his current relationship. You should have stayed away and not messaged him.
Now that you have, the best thing you can do is to stop thinking about him, you apologized, that is enough, let it go.

Jessmari · 46-50, T

You don't always get the most satisfying of closures when relationships end. You can't force it either. You just need to give yourself time to run this through your head and heart.

Convivial · 26-30, F

I think you have to be honest with yourself here... Was the attempted apology just an excuse to reopen comms between you?.... I don't need to know that answer but I think you need to.... Time to face the text that's it's over... Painful but time to move on... He was just practice for the real one ;)

dale74 · M

1 yes
2 yes and no part of it is realizing you hurt him and he proved he was willing to start over women in general do not want back in the relationship but women in general want him to suffer more than they are......

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