Life is funny.
I've been dreaming of my best friend out of high school quite a lot recently. I have dreams about him and the friend group I introduced him to at least once every other month. I have no idea, except maybe, I still carry a lot of deep hurt from that time in my life. So, when that happens, I do what I need to get it out so I can move past it. That is what I'm doing here. I doubt he'll read it, but at least it's been put out there for his purview.
He has no idea the impact he had on my life or the fact that aside from my kids, he is one of the few people in my life I can say i truly hold unconditional love for. There are only 4 others in my life that I can honestly say that about. He saved my life in so many ways. He made me learn that I was smart, that I was valuable, and that I had something worth being alive for. Before that, no one had ever given me that sort of validation. I don't ever take for granted the fact that I am not only who I am today because of him, but that I am actually here and present. I know he has no idea that is where he sits in my heart, and that is my fault for not saying so when I had the chance.
I broke things off with him, not because I didn't love him, because that wasn't true. I felt I didn't deserve him and that I would not just hold him back, but make him profoundly unhappy. I couldn't put that on him. It hurt me to let him go, but I felt that I was doing right by him to let him have a happy and fulfilling relationship with someone else. Sadly, at the time, I wasn't emotionally mature enough to put all this to words. Again, I am at fault.
So when he started dating his future wife and I was ostracized by her from the group, it broke my heart in numerous ways. First, it told me he had told her about what had happened and she hated me for it. Second, that he didn't defend me against that hate. And third, that I was separated from the one person at the time who I deeply cared about and loved, simply because I had been unable to assure myself that I did deserve him and that I would never have that friendship that I once had ever again.
I have been heartbroken for decades about it really. I used to be mad at his wife for being such a shitty person to me, but I also know, he made no defense for me either. I will never be friends with his wife again, for she refused to even consider talking to me about what had happened, but he did know somewhat, and that hurt. I guess that is mine to bear.
I was not invited to the wedding. I was not told when his father, someone else who I loved so deeply and was a father figure to me, had passed. I had been effectively cut out from his life altogether.
All I can do at this point is watch from a distance and be extremely happy for him that he has found his people, has a wonderful family, and is profoundly happy. I don't approach him but every now and again because I don't think I can handle the levels of rejection I got before. It does hurt too much.
So this is my way of moving past this. I'm getting too old to hold this heartbreak any longer.
I hope he is forever happy and content with the life he has made, and I will forever watch him, happy for that life he has cultivated.
He has no idea the impact he had on my life or the fact that aside from my kids, he is one of the few people in my life I can say i truly hold unconditional love for. There are only 4 others in my life that I can honestly say that about. He saved my life in so many ways. He made me learn that I was smart, that I was valuable, and that I had something worth being alive for. Before that, no one had ever given me that sort of validation. I don't ever take for granted the fact that I am not only who I am today because of him, but that I am actually here and present. I know he has no idea that is where he sits in my heart, and that is my fault for not saying so when I had the chance.
I broke things off with him, not because I didn't love him, because that wasn't true. I felt I didn't deserve him and that I would not just hold him back, but make him profoundly unhappy. I couldn't put that on him. It hurt me to let him go, but I felt that I was doing right by him to let him have a happy and fulfilling relationship with someone else. Sadly, at the time, I wasn't emotionally mature enough to put all this to words. Again, I am at fault.
So when he started dating his future wife and I was ostracized by her from the group, it broke my heart in numerous ways. First, it told me he had told her about what had happened and she hated me for it. Second, that he didn't defend me against that hate. And third, that I was separated from the one person at the time who I deeply cared about and loved, simply because I had been unable to assure myself that I did deserve him and that I would never have that friendship that I once had ever again.
I have been heartbroken for decades about it really. I used to be mad at his wife for being such a shitty person to me, but I also know, he made no defense for me either. I will never be friends with his wife again, for she refused to even consider talking to me about what had happened, but he did know somewhat, and that hurt. I guess that is mine to bear.
I was not invited to the wedding. I was not told when his father, someone else who I loved so deeply and was a father figure to me, had passed. I had been effectively cut out from his life altogether.
All I can do at this point is watch from a distance and be extremely happy for him that he has found his people, has a wonderful family, and is profoundly happy. I don't approach him but every now and again because I don't think I can handle the levels of rejection I got before. It does hurt too much.
So this is my way of moving past this. I'm getting too old to hold this heartbreak any longer.
I hope he is forever happy and content with the life he has made, and I will forever watch him, happy for that life he has cultivated.
