I doubt he'll ever get it and I don't care
He's found an explantion for his behavior. He's searching online for information about why he says hurtful things. He thinks "desperation" is the reason along with patterns of communication. Desperation as in like a mode of fight or flight and in a panic wanting to get your feelings heard.
I see this as like when a child screams "I hate you" to a parent. Or when you say something immaturely and in anger to a family member, friend, or partner because your feelings are hurt and want their attention.
I told my partner I see what he means and how it could apply, but....
I think the root of the problem is lack of empathy and a sense of entitlement.
I asked him if its desperation when he is saying hurtful things and Im crying, begging him to just stop, but he doesnt? I ask how is it frustating to him when he wont let me sleep because he wants to call me the worst names possible for reasoms ive never figured out and hes never explained.
He says it was just how he was raised. He wasnt allowed to cry or show feelings so he's completely out of touch with how to communicate without saying hurtful things and he never learned about feelings. I told him lots of people were raised where they werent allowed to cry, express feelings. and said /were told hurtful things. Plenty of them choose not to continue that way.
He repeated how he never learned anything different. I pointed out that he does know how to be different because he doest have this problem with anyone else, just me. (Also his ex wife, and probably every woman he ever dated)
He also can turn it of when he wants. Far from a fight or flight emotionall state because he can turn it off to be nice to the dog, when someone else is around, or when we are in public.
Desperation is seen in normal relations having conflict and have poor or sometimes poor communication skills. He'll never recognize that his behavior is abuse because he doesnt want to and I dont care anymore.
The only reason he's calmly talking and doing research on his behavior is because I told him Im done. (What I wrote here is only some of his verbal abuse. He does the othes types of abuse as well.) I've already moved into the office to sleep and have disconnected from him. Hes trying to make me think hes trying to change. He won't and if he does it wont last.
I see this as like when a child screams "I hate you" to a parent. Or when you say something immaturely and in anger to a family member, friend, or partner because your feelings are hurt and want their attention.
I told my partner I see what he means and how it could apply, but....
I think the root of the problem is lack of empathy and a sense of entitlement.
I asked him if its desperation when he is saying hurtful things and Im crying, begging him to just stop, but he doesnt? I ask how is it frustating to him when he wont let me sleep because he wants to call me the worst names possible for reasoms ive never figured out and hes never explained.
He says it was just how he was raised. He wasnt allowed to cry or show feelings so he's completely out of touch with how to communicate without saying hurtful things and he never learned about feelings. I told him lots of people were raised where they werent allowed to cry, express feelings. and said /were told hurtful things. Plenty of them choose not to continue that way.
He repeated how he never learned anything different. I pointed out that he does know how to be different because he doest have this problem with anyone else, just me. (Also his ex wife, and probably every woman he ever dated)
He also can turn it of when he wants. Far from a fight or flight emotionall state because he can turn it off to be nice to the dog, when someone else is around, or when we are in public.
Desperation is seen in normal relations having conflict and have poor or sometimes poor communication skills. He'll never recognize that his behavior is abuse because he doesnt want to and I dont care anymore.
The only reason he's calmly talking and doing research on his behavior is because I told him Im done. (What I wrote here is only some of his verbal abuse. He does the othes types of abuse as well.) I've already moved into the office to sleep and have disconnected from him. Hes trying to make me think hes trying to change. He won't and if he does it wont last.
