I don’t understand

I was engaged to someone and we never saw each other. I was begging and just not getting through. I relapsed back into alcoholism and slept with a coworker. We broke up. Well I continued to see that coworker because I was devastated and it helped I guess. But we ended as quickly as it started. Because I laughed with someone and it was this whole ordeal. I ending up sleeping with yet another coworker and that ended too which I don’t care about. I’ve been sober from alcohol for two months now. I quit that job. And my ex fiance has flirted with the idea of being back together. A few months ago, I would have been so happy but I don’t feel that way now. And I can’t stop thinking about who I had an affair with even though I’d never try it again. I’d block if I was contacted. I know that’s better for me. Just dunno why I care esp more than my 10 year relationship. Wish none of it happened.