Chasing pavements
For example, something that helped me realized how little he actually cared. He had never, ever, not even once, remembered my birthday. He did congratulate me a couple of times during our friendship, but I think there were only 2 times, tho I can only remember one. And the only time he said "Happy birthday" to me, was because he saw a post I made about my birthday, and responded to that. The times I choose not to post about my birthday, he never congratulated me. And that's all I wanted, for him to show that type of care and interest, which I don't think is too much to ask from him as a friend who have been around for almost a decade, a friendship we both had to fight for and protect..
The last time he forgot, I really wanted him to remember on his own, so to make sure he would, I casually reminded him about it a week before, saying something along the line of "I just realized a week from now will be my birthday" JUST SO HE WOULD REMEMBER, and still.. he forgot. The next day he apologized, after I reminded him he forgot (cause he would have never realized it) and he said he was just really bad with dates, that's all, that didn't mean he didn't care. So I took it "yea, maybe he is just bad with dates..."
A couple of months later (while I was still struggling with getting over the pain from that) it was his gf birthday, she moved away to study (they were gonna break up because of this). He didn't only remember her birthday, but took a trip to spend her birthday with her, and bought her a camara as a gift. During his trip there, we chatted about the whole thing, he sent me pictures, pictures of the landscape he saw from his window in the train on his way there and back, pictures of the places they visited together, pictures of the camera he bought her, asking for my opinion about it, which really hurt because I love photography and he knew that, he also texted me about a random stranger he had a conversation with on his way back...
I was just there, witnessing the whole thing from a distance, while my heart slowly broke... realizing the problem was never him not being good with dates, it was just him not caring about me. I never needed half of what he did for her on her birthday, I just needed him to remember (on his own) and say "Happy birthday", that's it, that's all I wanted, some sort of proof of his care that came directly from him, something that says "Hey, I see and appreciate you"...after everything we had been through, I don't think that was too much to ask of him, I don't think I was reaching for the stars.
The last time he forgot, I really wanted him to remember on his own, so to make sure he would, I casually reminded him about it a week before, saying something along the line of "I just realized a week from now will be my birthday" JUST SO HE WOULD REMEMBER, and still.. he forgot. The next day he apologized, after I reminded him he forgot (cause he would have never realized it) and he said he was just really bad with dates, that's all, that didn't mean he didn't care. So I took it "yea, maybe he is just bad with dates..."
A couple of months later (while I was still struggling with getting over the pain from that) it was his gf birthday, she moved away to study (they were gonna break up because of this). He didn't only remember her birthday, but took a trip to spend her birthday with her, and bought her a camara as a gift. During his trip there, we chatted about the whole thing, he sent me pictures, pictures of the landscape he saw from his window in the train on his way there and back, pictures of the places they visited together, pictures of the camera he bought her, asking for my opinion about it, which really hurt because I love photography and he knew that, he also texted me about a random stranger he had a conversation with on his way back...
I was just there, witnessing the whole thing from a distance, while my heart slowly broke... realizing the problem was never him not being good with dates, it was just him not caring about me. I never needed half of what he did for her on her birthday, I just needed him to remember (on his own) and say "Happy birthday", that's it, that's all I wanted, some sort of proof of his care that came directly from him, something that says "Hey, I see and appreciate you"...after everything we had been through, I don't think that was too much to ask of him, I don't think I was reaching for the stars.
26-30, M
