Relationship Basics For Hurting or Broken People
Be careful not to set yourself up for failure. When somebody breaks my heart, I don't take responsibility for it, unless I know in my heart, I am responsible.
Believe it or not some people don't realize that they're not really grieving over the relationship, but from getting duped into believing a lie. Sometimes we're not grieving over the person, but what we thought we had. Big difference. No one wants to believe they were lied to. Sometimes we have to face the truth. It's better to find out now, than to go one more day or hour, not knowing the truth. This way, we don't waste another minute of our lives. Sooner or later, we'll meet someone who knows how to treat us, and that's what we truly deserve.
The reason we get or feel "broken", might be for any number of reasons. These are my own thoughts on this subject:
1. Because of selfish, inconsiderate people.
2. We're not too swift, when it comes to choosing. 🤭
3. We're foolish enough to take the person back, who deliberately hurt us.
4. We never learned the lesson.
5. We were too giving. (There's a limit.) When you give too much, people don't respect nor appreciate you.
6. We didn't exercise our boundaries, so they took advantage.
7. We said one thing, but meant another. Always speak the truth.
8. The other person was a narcissist.
9. You're not sure of what you even want.
10. We started a new relationship without giving ourselves time to heal from the past one!
11. If you feel you're too broken for a relationship or had too many issues, then be sure and fix them before you move on. Don't carry emotional baggage to your next potential boyfriend or partner.
12. One or both, were not honest from the get-go!
13. You weren't even ready for another relationship but you did it because perhaps you were bored, lonely, or depressed. Your emotions were all over the place. That's no way to start any new relationship.
14. You made excuses for his or her lies, and disrespectful behavior, instead of loving and respecting yourself. When you love yourself, you don't put up with that nonsense. Especially abuse. Surely, you're not that desperate! Get your self-worth in check! Never SETTLE!
15. You weren't quite that impressed with the person, anyway, but for whatever reason (and that could be many)... thought you would chance it anyway, thinking they would change. Not going to happen. Forget it!
16. You weren't even attracted to them, but thought, "Oh well, no one else seems to be noticing me at the time and at least it will be company." This displays low self-esteem, low or no SELF confidence or worth, and really no respect for yourself. Such a haphazard way to treat yourself or approach dating.
17. You base your feelings on what the other person wants or needs. As a result, you change your mind to fit their need, whatever the occasion, running around like a senseless Stepford Wife. Don't do that to yourself. No one will respect you...ever.
18. You're blaming everything on yourself. "I'm not good enough, I always do the wrong thing.... it's all my fault for always messing up, they don't love me, I'll never be what they're looking for, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm too heavy, I'm too stupid", the list goes on and on. One really needs to address these things as soon as possible, and that means without rushing the process, or even entertaining the thought of starting a new relationship.
19. Again, along those lines, "But this person won't love me, unless I do this or that!" Great!!! That's not the person you need in your life then anyway, right?!! No one will respect you that way. Be happy you found out how they are, before you got further into the relationship. That's a disaster from the beginning! Don't settle for a jerk. Since when, were you born to be nothing but a people pleaser?
20. "I'll always be stuck in life. I really don't want to work, so I better find someone who will support me." PLEASE. Unless that's what they're looking for, to please a lady... no man will want a gold digger. It's not right to use people. This list goes for men OR women.
21. Did you ever stop to think it wasn't your fault? Some may try to make you feel that way, but that doesn't make it the truth. It makes it abusive and unacceptable. Or it should! Never stay with someone who looks down on you or constantly finds fault with you. Narcissists are experts at switching the tables to make you think everything is your fault. Don't play their game. Don't put yourself down like that. You know better. And every time you give in to this type manipulation, you are enabling this person to victimize you. Get out while you can, and never look back. You're being "programmed"!! Narcissists never change.
22. Sometimes the one we have our eye on, has more insecurities than we do! Sometimes we just make bad choices. Take note of their character, how they treat their parents, how they treat friends, their relationships, and even animals. If they show signs of abusiveness, indifference, selfishness, lack of self-control, phoniness, anger issues, fault finding, lying, argumentative, or dominance, those should throw up all types of red flags! Listen to your gut! Don't stand for these traits. Move right along and never look back. This person is not for you!
23. When people feel they are too broken or have too many issues for anyone to want them, you're giving yourself negative feedback. You need to go easy on yourself and give yourself the love you deserve. When you can truly say you love and respect yourself, without feeling the need to depend on any other outside influence in order to be happy and without constantly second-guessing yourself, then you'll feel something wonderful... what it feels like to be "whole". You'll finally have all the healthy-thinking basics you've needed, for a happy, balanced life: all the self-love, self-respect, self-confidence, and self-esteem tools, you need. You should be proud of yourself!
24. Please. When a person is unresponsive, quieter than usual, and does not reciprocate, this person is emotionally unavailable. The sooner you realize and admit that to yourself... the sooner you'll benefit from the truth and be able to move on with your life. Further, the better you will feel and will have saved yourself a ton of emotional torment. Please don't put yourself in that spot, ever! Even if you think they're the most beautiful person in the world. It will never work out so stop trying to force something that will never be. These type people do not change, so don't fool yourself.
25. Please. When someone flat-out tells you they aren't interested in you, they're not interested in dating, they're not interested in a relationship like boyfriend/girlfriend, believe them. They're telling you the truth, so don't pursue it. You'll only be hurting yourself and setting yourself up for failure and a broken heart.
Another thing you don't want to do in this type situation is take it personally. Trust me, their decision has nothing to do with you, so don't pretend it does. Take "no!" for an answer. The fact is, everyone has their preferences and maybe, just maybe, you are not their cup of tea. So what? Don't assume that means there's something wrong with you. That's no reflection on you; it's just that they have different preferences.
I'm sure I could add much more to the list, but you get the gist.
Last, but not least: Anyone can fill in this blank...
"No one will ever want me, because I'm __________________."
First of all, you're lying to yourself. That's because one could be depressed, overwhelmed, sorrowful, grieving, just a number of things. It could also be, because we can feel sorry for ourselves, and after a while, if you tell yourself that long enough, you'll begin to believe it. Counseling would be good. Also, telling yourself the truth, instead of assuming or guessing your future. That's not fair to yourself.
I would also suggest that people not repeat the same mistakes. I know they don't do it intentionally, but what I mean by that is, some people get in a pattern and just keep choosing the same type people that are toxic for them, then wonder why it never works out.
You are you. Not whom or what anyone says you are. Be proud of that and own it. No one else is perfect in this world, and thankfully, that's not a requirement. People who put others down, are insecure, themselves. Please take care of yourselves and listen to your gut - stay away from toxic people and pay attention to the red flags. 🌹🫂
*Just an extra side note, for those dealing with narcissists, like I did. There's HOPE!
I had terrible PTSD from different narcissists in the past, but with the Lord's help, I was able to find healing. It takes baby steps and a lot of patience and work. It doesn't happen overnight, to get completely whole from something like that. I still have moments and feel the hurt, but I don't sit around and think about it nor allow it to take control of me. I'm still dealing with my grown, narcissistic daughter, and I tell you, she sure went out of her way to hurt me. If I didn't believe in myself and have great self-esteem and self-worth, along with knowing that nothing I did caused this, it would have been totally devastating. I really had to get myself together and not allow her to victimize me again. She wanted to crush me and told me "I hope you die". I even got threats. This is when you have to recognize this is not the real person talking, but a mental illness. The ego has completely taken over. I know to stay away or she could do worse, even take my life. I make sure I pray for her everyday because only God can help her now.
It's really important you accept yourself! Remember, when a person has been victimized so long, that makes them think that people need to accept them, in order for them to feel happy or whole, but that's all from the "grooming" the Narcissist did. We do not have to be people pleasers, nor meet anyone's approval.
Remember, every time you allow your abuser to take up space in your head rent free, YOU pay the price! You just victimize yourself, again. They're certainly not hurting, but you are! They could care less if you're hurting, and in fact, they are oblivious to it. You must train your mind to think about something else, so that they cannot victimize you again. It serves no purpose to keep thinking about it, because they don't even know you're thinking about it, so you're not hurting them. You're only hurting yourself. Do not allow Satan to control your thoughts. It is you who is in control. You can say yes or no, when these thoughts come. You can decide to think about them or get your mind on something else. That puts you back into control! You don't have to live this way.
You know the truth, no matter what your abuser told you. You're not crazy. You've just been abused and used. But now you are an adult and you decide what you want and what you don't want in your life and mind. That's taking your control back and exposing the lies.
The truth is what sets you free from all this. Always tell yourself the truth about all that, and the truth shall set you free! You weren't a bad girl...you weren't clumsy or forgetful...it wasn't your fault! It never was!! That all came from a narcissist's sick mind. A person who is mentally ill and out of touch with reality. They know/knew exactly what they're doing, but they don't feel love the way we do. Their whole perception and description of Love is Total Control and manipulation. And if they can't get it from you, they will find another person to victimize. That's what they live for. That "fix" they find, from controlling others. It never goes away. That's the first thing they think of when their feet hit the floor in the morning. If they can't victimize you, they'll find as many other victims as they can, to control. Always tell yourself the truth! That's your way out!
Believe it or not some people don't realize that they're not really grieving over the relationship, but from getting duped into believing a lie. Sometimes we're not grieving over the person, but what we thought we had. Big difference. No one wants to believe they were lied to. Sometimes we have to face the truth. It's better to find out now, than to go one more day or hour, not knowing the truth. This way, we don't waste another minute of our lives. Sooner or later, we'll meet someone who knows how to treat us, and that's what we truly deserve.
The reason we get or feel "broken", might be for any number of reasons. These are my own thoughts on this subject:
1. Because of selfish, inconsiderate people.
2. We're not too swift, when it comes to choosing. 🤭
3. We're foolish enough to take the person back, who deliberately hurt us.
4. We never learned the lesson.
5. We were too giving. (There's a limit.) When you give too much, people don't respect nor appreciate you.
6. We didn't exercise our boundaries, so they took advantage.
7. We said one thing, but meant another. Always speak the truth.
8. The other person was a narcissist.
9. You're not sure of what you even want.
10. We started a new relationship without giving ourselves time to heal from the past one!
11. If you feel you're too broken for a relationship or had too many issues, then be sure and fix them before you move on. Don't carry emotional baggage to your next potential boyfriend or partner.
12. One or both, were not honest from the get-go!
13. You weren't even ready for another relationship but you did it because perhaps you were bored, lonely, or depressed. Your emotions were all over the place. That's no way to start any new relationship.
14. You made excuses for his or her lies, and disrespectful behavior, instead of loving and respecting yourself. When you love yourself, you don't put up with that nonsense. Especially abuse. Surely, you're not that desperate! Get your self-worth in check! Never SETTLE!
15. You weren't quite that impressed with the person, anyway, but for whatever reason (and that could be many)... thought you would chance it anyway, thinking they would change. Not going to happen. Forget it!
16. You weren't even attracted to them, but thought, "Oh well, no one else seems to be noticing me at the time and at least it will be company." This displays low self-esteem, low or no SELF confidence or worth, and really no respect for yourself. Such a haphazard way to treat yourself or approach dating.
17. You base your feelings on what the other person wants or needs. As a result, you change your mind to fit their need, whatever the occasion, running around like a senseless Stepford Wife. Don't do that to yourself. No one will respect you...ever.
18. You're blaming everything on yourself. "I'm not good enough, I always do the wrong thing.... it's all my fault for always messing up, they don't love me, I'll never be what they're looking for, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm too heavy, I'm too stupid", the list goes on and on. One really needs to address these things as soon as possible, and that means without rushing the process, or even entertaining the thought of starting a new relationship.
19. Again, along those lines, "But this person won't love me, unless I do this or that!" Great!!! That's not the person you need in your life then anyway, right?!! No one will respect you that way. Be happy you found out how they are, before you got further into the relationship. That's a disaster from the beginning! Don't settle for a jerk. Since when, were you born to be nothing but a people pleaser?
20. "I'll always be stuck in life. I really don't want to work, so I better find someone who will support me." PLEASE. Unless that's what they're looking for, to please a lady... no man will want a gold digger. It's not right to use people. This list goes for men OR women.
21. Did you ever stop to think it wasn't your fault? Some may try to make you feel that way, but that doesn't make it the truth. It makes it abusive and unacceptable. Or it should! Never stay with someone who looks down on you or constantly finds fault with you. Narcissists are experts at switching the tables to make you think everything is your fault. Don't play their game. Don't put yourself down like that. You know better. And every time you give in to this type manipulation, you are enabling this person to victimize you. Get out while you can, and never look back. You're being "programmed"!! Narcissists never change.
22. Sometimes the one we have our eye on, has more insecurities than we do! Sometimes we just make bad choices. Take note of their character, how they treat their parents, how they treat friends, their relationships, and even animals. If they show signs of abusiveness, indifference, selfishness, lack of self-control, phoniness, anger issues, fault finding, lying, argumentative, or dominance, those should throw up all types of red flags! Listen to your gut! Don't stand for these traits. Move right along and never look back. This person is not for you!
23. When people feel they are too broken or have too many issues for anyone to want them, you're giving yourself negative feedback. You need to go easy on yourself and give yourself the love you deserve. When you can truly say you love and respect yourself, without feeling the need to depend on any other outside influence in order to be happy and without constantly second-guessing yourself, then you'll feel something wonderful... what it feels like to be "whole". You'll finally have all the healthy-thinking basics you've needed, for a happy, balanced life: all the self-love, self-respect, self-confidence, and self-esteem tools, you need. You should be proud of yourself!
24. Please. When a person is unresponsive, quieter than usual, and does not reciprocate, this person is emotionally unavailable. The sooner you realize and admit that to yourself... the sooner you'll benefit from the truth and be able to move on with your life. Further, the better you will feel and will have saved yourself a ton of emotional torment. Please don't put yourself in that spot, ever! Even if you think they're the most beautiful person in the world. It will never work out so stop trying to force something that will never be. These type people do not change, so don't fool yourself.
25. Please. When someone flat-out tells you they aren't interested in you, they're not interested in dating, they're not interested in a relationship like boyfriend/girlfriend, believe them. They're telling you the truth, so don't pursue it. You'll only be hurting yourself and setting yourself up for failure and a broken heart.
Another thing you don't want to do in this type situation is take it personally. Trust me, their decision has nothing to do with you, so don't pretend it does. Take "no!" for an answer. The fact is, everyone has their preferences and maybe, just maybe, you are not their cup of tea. So what? Don't assume that means there's something wrong with you. That's no reflection on you; it's just that they have different preferences.
I'm sure I could add much more to the list, but you get the gist.
Last, but not least: Anyone can fill in this blank...
"No one will ever want me, because I'm __________________."
First of all, you're lying to yourself. That's because one could be depressed, overwhelmed, sorrowful, grieving, just a number of things. It could also be, because we can feel sorry for ourselves, and after a while, if you tell yourself that long enough, you'll begin to believe it. Counseling would be good. Also, telling yourself the truth, instead of assuming or guessing your future. That's not fair to yourself.
I would also suggest that people not repeat the same mistakes. I know they don't do it intentionally, but what I mean by that is, some people get in a pattern and just keep choosing the same type people that are toxic for them, then wonder why it never works out.
You are you. Not whom or what anyone says you are. Be proud of that and own it. No one else is perfect in this world, and thankfully, that's not a requirement. People who put others down, are insecure, themselves. Please take care of yourselves and listen to your gut - stay away from toxic people and pay attention to the red flags. 🌹🫂
*Just an extra side note, for those dealing with narcissists, like I did. There's HOPE!
I had terrible PTSD from different narcissists in the past, but with the Lord's help, I was able to find healing. It takes baby steps and a lot of patience and work. It doesn't happen overnight, to get completely whole from something like that. I still have moments and feel the hurt, but I don't sit around and think about it nor allow it to take control of me. I'm still dealing with my grown, narcissistic daughter, and I tell you, she sure went out of her way to hurt me. If I didn't believe in myself and have great self-esteem and self-worth, along with knowing that nothing I did caused this, it would have been totally devastating. I really had to get myself together and not allow her to victimize me again. She wanted to crush me and told me "I hope you die". I even got threats. This is when you have to recognize this is not the real person talking, but a mental illness. The ego has completely taken over. I know to stay away or she could do worse, even take my life. I make sure I pray for her everyday because only God can help her now.
It's really important you accept yourself! Remember, when a person has been victimized so long, that makes them think that people need to accept them, in order for them to feel happy or whole, but that's all from the "grooming" the Narcissist did. We do not have to be people pleasers, nor meet anyone's approval.
Remember, every time you allow your abuser to take up space in your head rent free, YOU pay the price! You just victimize yourself, again. They're certainly not hurting, but you are! They could care less if you're hurting, and in fact, they are oblivious to it. You must train your mind to think about something else, so that they cannot victimize you again. It serves no purpose to keep thinking about it, because they don't even know you're thinking about it, so you're not hurting them. You're only hurting yourself. Do not allow Satan to control your thoughts. It is you who is in control. You can say yes or no, when these thoughts come. You can decide to think about them or get your mind on something else. That puts you back into control! You don't have to live this way.
You know the truth, no matter what your abuser told you. You're not crazy. You've just been abused and used. But now you are an adult and you decide what you want and what you don't want in your life and mind. That's taking your control back and exposing the lies.
The truth is what sets you free from all this. Always tell yourself the truth about all that, and the truth shall set you free! You weren't a bad girl...you weren't clumsy or forgetful...it wasn't your fault! It never was!! That all came from a narcissist's sick mind. A person who is mentally ill and out of touch with reality. They know/knew exactly what they're doing, but they don't feel love the way we do. Their whole perception and description of Love is Total Control and manipulation. And if they can't get it from you, they will find another person to victimize. That's what they live for. That "fix" they find, from controlling others. It never goes away. That's the first thing they think of when their feet hit the floor in the morning. If they can't victimize you, they'll find as many other victims as they can, to control. Always tell yourself the truth! That's your way out!
