I have an issue… But it’s probably not as big of a deal as it feels right now. I will do my best to summarize.
Breaking it down: 🤔💭 🕦🕚🕐🕝🕟🕘🕛 …OK—- so… There’s this guy who I’ve known for 10 years. We became friends, then we became friends that hooked up, then Covid happened and I didn’t see him for a couple years bc life wasn’t normal and we were all stuck inside, but I thought about him a lot, then the universe got more normal and made us serendipitously cross paths again, and then we had a magical kiss, and then later during a discussion about it I actually get friend zoned, like real friend zone w no benefits bc he still wasn’t over his recent break up and wanted to date around, which is understandable, and then we really are friends, in fact we’re neighbors, he lives literally down the street from me-which in a sense is wild bc that was not planned- aaand we are friends, just friends…
Ok so on the surface explained like this- it doesn’t sound like that big of a deal… But a deeper layer to this is that over these 10 years I have formed a love for him. If my life were a TV show he would be one of the main characters. My friend Monica describes “the scenes” we have together as “our own little world”. He’s great. And I do want to be his friend. Bc I am his friend. Yes, it was upsetting that he didn’t want to see me as anything else. But what else can I do? I got clarity on where he stood; for a moment there I wasn’t sure, but we had a discussion and now I know, and It is what it is. Doesn’t mean I feel great about it but I respect it. We are friends… At first I thought the issue was: How do I get out of the friend zone? Then it became: Do I want to be out of the friend zone? Maybe this distance really will allow new great opportunities to flourish? After all we did agree we would always have each others back no matter what happens… and life just keeps moving along soo 🤷♀
But the more time has passed I think that there’s a bigger underlying issue; over the course of these 10 years I’ve spent so much time thinking about him that somehow I’ve never developed any “grounding tools” for reality. “A reality without him in it.” I realize that at this moment where I contemplate how much i want to invest in him to be a part of my “story plot” , I not only have used him casually in my mind as a form of “escapism” (He’s quite the cutie, lol) but consequently have not learned or found ways to feel secure in a reality without him. I hope this makes sense what time trying to say?— I suppose I never considered a reality without him in it.
He’s been a major role in “ my characters’s motivation” over the last 10 years that any moment I’ve had to face bigger life questions like: What am I doing with my life!? My brain just diverts to him. Who am I? Brain: You two have an event coming up, imagine how that will go instead. Do I want to quit my job? Brain: Remember how he smiled bc he was happy to see you- think about that instead. Why do I matter? What is my purpose? Brain: To look hot- think about what outfit you should wear when you see him next instead. Etc.. you get the point, lol.
Big life questions are uncomfortable and frankly I don’t want to face them all the time. Mostly bc some of them are open ended and don’t have answers. Using him to escape as much as I hate to admit it might not be the right thing to use anymore. I reached a new chapter in my life where I really don’t know what I’m doing. I understand that I’m not the only one who thinks this deep, thank goodness. I also know that thinking about these big questions about life all the time is not good either, so one does need an escape and unfortunately if I’m not thinking about something happy like his smile- my brain diverts to things I fear- which obviously is horrible- so of course I get stuck thinking about him bc my brain currently has no where else to go..
What I ask of you are Three questions:
1.) What is something healthy to think about to escape existential thoughts?
2.) What motivates you to live each day?
3.) What do you hope to experience?
Ok so on the surface explained like this- it doesn’t sound like that big of a deal… But a deeper layer to this is that over these 10 years I have formed a love for him. If my life were a TV show he would be one of the main characters. My friend Monica describes “the scenes” we have together as “our own little world”. He’s great. And I do want to be his friend. Bc I am his friend. Yes, it was upsetting that he didn’t want to see me as anything else. But what else can I do? I got clarity on where he stood; for a moment there I wasn’t sure, but we had a discussion and now I know, and It is what it is. Doesn’t mean I feel great about it but I respect it. We are friends… At first I thought the issue was: How do I get out of the friend zone? Then it became: Do I want to be out of the friend zone? Maybe this distance really will allow new great opportunities to flourish? After all we did agree we would always have each others back no matter what happens… and life just keeps moving along soo 🤷♀
But the more time has passed I think that there’s a bigger underlying issue; over the course of these 10 years I’ve spent so much time thinking about him that somehow I’ve never developed any “grounding tools” for reality. “A reality without him in it.” I realize that at this moment where I contemplate how much i want to invest in him to be a part of my “story plot” , I not only have used him casually in my mind as a form of “escapism” (He’s quite the cutie, lol) but consequently have not learned or found ways to feel secure in a reality without him. I hope this makes sense what time trying to say?— I suppose I never considered a reality without him in it.
He’s been a major role in “ my characters’s motivation” over the last 10 years that any moment I’ve had to face bigger life questions like: What am I doing with my life!? My brain just diverts to him. Who am I? Brain: You two have an event coming up, imagine how that will go instead. Do I want to quit my job? Brain: Remember how he smiled bc he was happy to see you- think about that instead. Why do I matter? What is my purpose? Brain: To look hot- think about what outfit you should wear when you see him next instead. Etc.. you get the point, lol.
Big life questions are uncomfortable and frankly I don’t want to face them all the time. Mostly bc some of them are open ended and don’t have answers. Using him to escape as much as I hate to admit it might not be the right thing to use anymore. I reached a new chapter in my life where I really don’t know what I’m doing. I understand that I’m not the only one who thinks this deep, thank goodness. I also know that thinking about these big questions about life all the time is not good either, so one does need an escape and unfortunately if I’m not thinking about something happy like his smile- my brain diverts to things I fear- which obviously is horrible- so of course I get stuck thinking about him bc my brain currently has no where else to go..
What I ask of you are Three questions:
1.) What is something healthy to think about to escape existential thoughts?
2.) What motivates you to live each day?
3.) What do you hope to experience?
31-35, F
