Why would my boyfriend not delete all messages with his ex?

We broke up for 4 months and tried to move o man she had a girlfriend for a month or so and he didn’t delete all the messages. I shouldn’t have went through his phone, but it was just there. I’m not going to tell him or bring this up. I have already done it before and told him and he wasn’t too happy, and can’t blame him because it looks like I don’t trust him. Also, he seemed to be more flirtatious with her than me so now I want to die, lol. But it’s my own fault.

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HootyTheNightOwl

Does it really matter if he deletes them or not???

She probably sat on his d, too... but you're not gonna make him delete that.

Like it or not, she's a part of his past - and while you can ask him to delete the messages, you can't force him to... so, how you deal with it will be the only thing that you can control. You can either break up with him and don't go back or you can accept that she is a part of his past - and he's with you now.

Eventually, you're going to reach an age where you're potentially going to have to deal with a boyfriend co-parenting with an ex or even having step children talk about their mother in your presence... if you're going to carry on like this then, you're not going to do yourself or your relationship any favours.

VentingQueen23 · 26-30, F

@HootyTheNightOwl I know. I had a weak moment. That’s not the point of the question, I was asking about reasons why he wouldn’t have. Geez you men should be nicer and actually read the question.

HootyTheNightOwl

@VentingQueen23 Ironic how everyone else says it's a you problem... yet, I'm the bad guy in this thread.

He doesn't need reasons for not doing as you ask... assuming he's not a minor, he's free to decide for himself whether to accommodate your wishes or not - but, it is worth considering if the fact that you're even snooping his phone and asking him to delete stuff you disagree with is healthy anyway???

Makes sense to me that he will let go of his own accord if he's happy enough. Sure, the waiting sucks - but it is what it is.

VentingQueen23 · 26-30, F

@HootyTheNightOwl I’m not asking him to delete anything. I was seeing what people think could be the reason.

VentingQueen23 · 26-30, F

@HootyTheNightOwl I don’t think your comment was rude, I didn’t realize I put that on your reply. Yours was a good response.

HootyTheNightOwl

@VentingQueen23 Yeah... that's why I didn't understand, either.

I admit that I can be a troll at times - but, this time, I wasn't trolling. I'm trying to challenge you to change because I see the path I was heading down and I don't want you to end up going further down the road to distrust.

The further you go, the harder it is to challenge and change your own thinking... at least, that's what I learned.

I'm not "cured" by a long shot - but I'm still working on myself and how I respond to some situations because I can and will control that much.

VentingQueen23 · 26-30, F

@HootyTheNightOwl yeah change is hard I have been trying to change myself. Having BPD makes relationships so hard.

HootyTheNightOwl

@VentingQueen23 Yes, it's not easy to be alert for unhealthy thoughts and challenging them all the time... but, once you make a start, they should start decreasing.

If you're starting out trusting him until you have evidence suggesting that you have reason to not trust him, you have no reason to snoop his phone, so resisting that temptation could be a good starting point for you.

I don't even have the passcode for STBX's phone or tablets (he has two tablets) - and nor do I want them, though he will say them to me from time to time, I forget them between one day and the next. He doesn't have the passcodes for my phones (I have two until my old phone charges it's last) or desktop. Why??? I trust him to come to me and tell me himself if something fundamentally changes and respect is a two way street. If he wants to snoop me, then he can expect that I will return the favour in kind.

VentingQueen23 · 26-30, F

@HootyTheNightOwl that is a good point. I do trust him but then those thoughts start and honestly I think I look to probably hurt myself. Because I know if you look, no matter what, you’ll get hurt. You always find something even out of nothing.

HootyTheNightOwl

@VentingQueen23 You don't even have to do anything if you're that determined to find something... ANYTHING.

It could be something perfectly normal like making eye contact with someone that he's talking to - maybe as he's ordering food if you want to con your mind into seeing that. It hurts you, then you hurt him by wanting to control him in unhealthy ways.

That's what happened to me - I was "staring at a man" I was talking to and STBX let it mess with his head that I was lusting after this man. I was staring at the man, I admit that... I was staring at his lips because I was born deaf and I use lip reading to enhance my comprehension during conversations. Now, I find it hard to even look at a man, even if doing so helps me to understand what he is telling me better.